critique, growth, and black and white photos.

Tonight I had my second photo critique of the semester. The object of this assignment was to experiment with frame and vantage point. I missed class all last week so I was totally stressing because the only time I had was during lab. Luckily I have an awesome teacher who lets us off the hook a bit when he knows we've been working hard. Anyway...I felt really confident with the work I presented. Last week was rough. I felt like I really sucked and the content of my photos wasn't so great. The motivation and inspiration were running low but I thought..."What the heck...I'm going to balboa and taking some pictures!" I took the lady I work with and she offered to pose as my model! Any of you who have met her know she's adorable! She LOVES to be in front of the camera. Unfortunately I can't scan and post any of the photos until I acquire a photo release from work so the company doesn't get used for violating any privacy policies. But I learned a lot during this shoot. I felt like I grew as a photographer by stepping outside of my comfort zone and photographing strangers. Some of them I went up to and talked to and asked them if I could take a picture...some I just did completely candidly. This helped me gain confidence in street photography.
I also grew because I learned to wait for things that inspire me instead of just blowing through a roll of film so I could have something to process in class. Look around you and find the mundane things in life that we often just walk by...find a vantage point that will give you a new perspective of the world.
I love black and white photography! Color has it's place but there are some things better left in black and white because sometimes color can distract us from connecting with an image. For example, a girl in class had a close up photo of a telephone pole with hundreds of nails and tacks. This is something that we would normally walk past and not give a second look. Had it been in color I don't think it would have had the same effect. Anyway...I'm geeking it up pretty bad right now. I'm working on starting another blog for my photo stuff. Once we get into digital in class I'll be able to scan my images and you guys can critique them all you want. You'd be doing me a favor. :) Oh...and I got my first assignment back. I got an A! I got a 100percent on it! YAY!

And for those of you who don't think photography is an art...go try the darkroom instead of photoshop! :) haha

dinner dates...

I have a date tomorrow night with a person who'd name shall remain anonymous. We're going out to dinner and it got me thinking...
I really don't enjoy dinner dates. If anything I'm down for dessert or some fro yo (fro yo deserves it's own category)
Dinner dates are awkward...at least on the first date. You sit across from each other forced to make conversation for about an hour and a half or so. If you're lucky, you and your date really click so the convo comes naturally. But either way...you're sitting across from each other stuffing your faces as you regurgitate random information about yourself, trying to make yourself seem interesting enough to pursue further while still maintaining an attractive facade. Whew....talk about pressure. Have you watched people eat? Have you watched yourself eat? Next time you eat, try putting a mirror in front of you. You'll quickly find that you'll lose your appetite. Not so pretty once you stop and look, huh? Not so pretty once you stop and smell the roses, eh?

I'm sorry if I sound cynical or if I'm promoting poor self esteem. This all dates back to last April. I had a sit-down dinner for my first date with this guy. He said something funny and as I laughed, a grain of rice was expelled from somewhere in my pie hole. Lo and behold it flew across the table and landed next to him. Thankfully, it didn't land in his food. Needless to say...
I.WAS.MORTIFIED!
I'm sure he could sense my embarassment so he didn't say anything even though I knew he saw it. I watched his eyes follow the flying rice across the table. Anywho...I'm going out to dinner with a nice fella tomorrow. I'll make sure to steer clear from the rice.

Until next time...take care of yourself...and each other.

exOH,
Jo

10 Things (cont.)

I still can't think of the last 5 things so I'll just start writing anyway and see what comes to me.

6) Waxing- I actually enjoy it. I know it hurts, but it feels good. It's crazy. The pain only lasts a second. It feels like you got slapped with a ruler...but only for a moment. It must release some adrenaline or something because it's kind of a rush. The feeling is only magnified when you wax yourself. Sometimes I'll wax my arms and the peach fuzz on the back of my hands for the heck of it. Needless to say I also wax soe facial hair. Yeah I said it! Every girl has it. Nothing wrong with that. However I a pleased to say that I no longer need to wax my chin. I've gotten laser hair removal done and it's worked really well. It was more painful that waxing...even with the topical anesthetic. The laser felt like a series of rubber bands constantly hitting you except it wasn't just felt on the surface of the skin. It was felt deep in the dermis. The laser works by sending concentrated amounts of heat and radiation to the hair follicle which kills the follicle. I have polycystic ovary syndrome which messes with my hormones...which is why I'm such a fuzzy girl. I used to be so ashamed of it but I've grown to accept my body the way it is...most of the time. There are so many ways to get rid of excess hair that it's really not a big deal anymore. A lot more people have this problem than we think, but they just take care of it so well that you'd never notice.

Stuff, stuff, and more stuff.

There has been a lot on my mind lately. I guess I'll share some of it.
As some of you already know, I broke my foot at the end of June. (You can look up the blog on that if you really want to know the story. I'm not telling it anymore!) I've been a little less than active since then. I spent some time completely non weight bearing and then in July I got an awesome walking cast. I've gained some weight since this has happened so when I found out that the YMCA offers students a special discount at their facilities, I jumped at the opportunity. It's 25 bucks a month and the start up costs are waived. So all you pay is 25 bucks to start! I knew my education was good for something! I went tonight and I wasn't able to do too much. I lost a lot of muscle mass in my left leg while I was using crutches and even with the walking cast it hasn't fully come back. My leg got really tired but I'll just have to work up to it.

I've also been feeling a little depressed and very anxious lately. I know what the culprit of these emotions is so I'm doing what I can to make myself feel better. It's funny...depression even affects you physically. I was starting to feel tired, head achey, sore. I think it might have to do with not being so active like I used to be. My body needs the endorphines. There are also environmental stressors having to do with family and school but those are things that will work themselves out in time.

With my family...I feel like I don't really have one. My mom told me last week that sometimes she feels useless here and wants to move back to mexico. Then last night my cousin in mexico got sick so my mom just up and left for Hermosillo for who knows how long. I feel like her going there has to do with more than just my cousin having seizures. I think she just saw an opportunity and an excuse to go back "home". It's great. It made me sad to see her go on such a whim and I'm feeling really lonely but I know it's what would make her happy and I couldn't deny her what makes her happy. I just feel like I don't have family. My mom loves me but doesn't seem to want to be around me and my dad chose his other family over me. I've met my brother once in my adult life two years ago. I haven't talked to him since. I've tried. I met my sister in law and my niece once last June. It was an amazing experience and one that I am so grateful for. It's a day that will always stay with me. But lately I've tried calling/emailing her and I've gotten no response. If any of you watch One Tree Hill...I kinda feel like Brooke Davis. She's an only child with parents that have gone off and done their own thing. She feels forgotten and alone. I'm not trying to sound all emo or like a total downer. It just helps me to get things out. I know I have my ward family and amazing friends to help me get through anything. Even better than that, I know I have a Father in Heaven who knows what I'm going through and wants me to see every trial to it's end. I had a good talk with Adriane on Monday night and she reminded me of Section 122 in the Doctine & Covenants. It basically tells us that all our trials are for our own benefit. Jesus Christ had to bear unfathomable pain and affliction...and we're no where near being better than Him so we must expect to experience our own trials. I just had an epiphany....Jesus Christ was perfect...and he had to bear the most pain out of all of us. Funny how that works. I don't always post spiritual things like this but it's really the only thing getting me through everything I've felt lately. At least now I understand why I wasn't supposed to go to Utah. My family needed me. I'm not helping directly but if I had gone my mom wouldn't be able to go and I wouldn't have had the money to send to my cousin so she can afford to see the specialist she needs to see. Well I'll write something more uplifting later. If you read this...thank you. You're a trooper and deserve a medal for sticking it out.

Hugs...
Joycie

10 Things

Thanks to Jonathan's inspirational blog about random facts related to himself I've decided to follow in his footsteps and reveal my quirks. In no particular order...here they go...

1) Making the bed before I go to sleep. I'm usually too busy and in a rush to get out of the house in the morning so I don't make my bed. However, messy beds really bug me when I'm trying to sleep at night. It just feels dirty even if I just washed everything. I like the sheets, blankets, and pillows all nicely positioned and properly tucked where it all should be. I know the bed gets messy during the night but when I get in it, it better be made. So I make the bed every night before I go to sleep. A little backwards, but that's me. So what if I didn't make the bed? What would happen then? I'd probably feel very anxious and have a hard time falling asleep. Then in the morning, I wouldn't feel so well-rested.

2) Tomatoes- I absoloutley detest them! I don't mind tomato products, or having a slice on a burger or sandwich (as long as it isn't one of those big thick honker slices) but as far as having them alone or in a salad...that'll never happen. I've tried force feeding myself cherry tomatoes hoping I could teach myself to get past my hatred of this fruit but I find that the small tomatoes are the ones I abhor the most. They just seem to pop in your mouth and it's quite a repugnant texture if you ask me. Maybe if I bathe the tomatoes in ranch dressing then they could be somewhat tolerable....ranch seems to doctor anything up. But then that would add inches to my already vast waistline that I'm desperately trying to shrink. I'd go for the fat free stuff but it leaves a nasty after-taste and that's the last thing I need with something I already loathe. But yay for ketchup! :)

3) Chewy textures-Here I go talking about food again, but the texture thing mentioned above reminded me that I don't like chewy textures in my food. Candy is okay...gummy candy and laffy taffys all the way....but for this reason I can't eat sushi. I have a difficult time stomaching the tuna especially. The flavor isn't what bothers me. It's the chewyness! Ack! Growing up my mom made this mexican soup called menudo. If you don't know what it is, it has cow stomach in it. It's chewy and yucky. When she makes the soup I pick all the cow innards right out and just eat the hominy. I can't even begin to explain all the textures the little wiggly chunks of meat has on it...

4)Rodentophobia-I doubt this is a clinical term but from the looks of my possibly self-fabricated word, you can figure out what it is. I have this intense fear of all undomesticated, uncaged rodents. They disgust me and I'm having a difficult time writing this without getting chills or knots in my stomach. I get this lump in my throat just thinking about a rat or a mouse. Bunny rabbits are mostly okay because they're cute. However I'll never forget the time I was driving from Utah and I was almost to Vegas. In the distance I saw a cute little rabbit at the road's edge. I was in the right lane and to my left was a semi truck. Suddenly the little rabbit decided to dart out into the road (smart animal). Out of nowhere a red fluid that resembled taco sauce sprayed all over the car. It was kind like when you drive past a sprinkler system and some idiot aims the sprinklers toward the street. As you drive past this sudden fan of water hits your car. Gotta love when they do that right? Anyway, I was driving and slightly confused (I'm a bit of an airhead at times) and I asked my friend "Did that driver just throw taco sauce at us?" to which she replied "No. Those are bunny guts". I tried spraying the windshield and using the wipers but all that did was smear stuff even more. When the horror hit me I started screaming and nearly vomitted. I had to drive with bunny guts on the windshield and the whole front of the car until we stopped at the big fancy Chevron by Buffalo Bills. We used the squeegees to clean the car off. We went through several. It left some scars.

5) Dental hygiene- I also have an obession with dental hygiene. Growing up I never had insurance or saw a dentist so when I was 18 and went for the first time, I had to get a lot of fillings. I never want to go through that again if I can avoid it. I don't think my routine is quite as rigorous as Jonathan's but it's slightly obessive compulsive. I brush my teeth until they're nice and smooth and then I floss. I might brush my teeth lightly one more time after that along with the palate, cheeks and tongue. Then i use my "enamel strengthening" Listerine. Sometimes I'll use a whitening pre-rinse before I brush my teeth or between the floss and final brush. At night I brush my retainer with toothpaste and then I soak it in Listerine for a few minutes before popping it in. Okay I lied...it's intense. When I date someone, if I'm going to be kissing them (which really doesn't happen much haha) I insist that they keep a good dental hygiene routine. Dirty mouths or teeth and stinky breath are extreme turn offs. I had a boyfriend once who hadn't gotten a cleaning in a long time and didn't floss. After a while I refused to kiss him and we ended up breaking up. But seriously...I work hard to have good teeth and I don't want someone's lazy germs messing it up! I think bad breath is contagious to a certain degree so I don't want that crap in my mouth!

Five things is about all I can think of right now. I'll post the rest later as they come to me.

So many things, so little time.

i have so many things I've been wanting to blog about lately but now very much time to sit down and write about them! I'll probably write several blogs in the next few days because I've been in a bloggish mood.

This blog will probably be yet another blog about dating. It seems as though getting asked out on dates isn't really a problem for me. The problem seems to be that once a guy asks me out, that's it...we never go out. This is the 3rd time it happens and while I'm not heartbroken by it, it really is annoying. It's almost as though the guy said"Ohhh I want to ask her out. Okay she said she'll go out on a date with me but I don't think I really want to go anymore. Maybe I can just not bring it up and maybe she'll forget about it. "

WRONG! I don't forget. I'm just not desperate or clingy so I don't go bringing it up. I think the problem is, it's BOYS who ask me out. I need to find a real man who will keep his word. It's time to find a guy wit h some balls because apparently these other boy's balls haven't dropped yet. Sorry to sound crude but I'm just being raw, real, and uncut. Besides, if you think you're a real man, this shouldn't offend you anyway, right?

And a note to the guys...

If you want to score brownie points with a lady, call them at a decent hour. When you say you're going to call, don't call late at night and make it the last thing on your list for the day. Call at a decent hour so she can feel like maybe she was a priority. I say this because a ball-less boy said he would call me, and called at 1:30am. Then only talked for 10 minutes and said he would call back in 1/2 and hour....he called back at 4am. Annoying. Then the next night he called at 12:30am and only talked for a few minutes before saying he was going to bed. The way I see it, is it you're not interested enough to sacrifice some time to talk to me and get to know me, how am I to expect that you might be willing to sacrifice your time to spend quality time with me. This is especially important in long distance relationships. This is almost as bad as not calling at all. Actually, I think it's on the same level.

I understand you males have lives, too. You work and go to school and try to balance that with other aspects of your lives such as church/callings and family. Sometimes you might not be able to call because of the demands life places on you, but if that's the case, call the girl anyway. Even if just to say "hey I know I said I would call you today but it looks like i'll be very busy. i just didn't want to leave you hanging. Is it okay if I call another time?" This shows considerations and thoughtfulness...qualities which most girls value. If she's a cool girl she'll understand. So that could be of service to you males as well because it'll let you in on another aspect of the ladies' personality.

If you actually go on a date...

Assume that you are paying for the both of you. Don't ask her "Am I paying your ticket?" because she'll probably get the impression that you don't really want to pay for her because if you did, you'd do it without asking. In girl world, when you ask it basically translates to, 'Do I really have to pay for you? I'm being stingy but if you really want me to pay I will. But if I can get out of it, then it's all the better.' And if you ask, most girls won't say "yes. please pay for my ticket." because a girl shouldn't have to do that. More than likely we'll end up paying for ourselves and then vent to our girl friends about the guy who made us pay our way. Even if the girl asked you out...pay anyway. This will really impress her. Doing the opposite is a surefire way NOT to score a 2nd date.

Call the day before D-day!!! Confirm your plans the day before you take her out to make sure you're both still on. If you don't call sometimes we get a little confused and think maybe you forgot. I've had friends to whom this has happened. We don't want to waste our makeup getting all dolled up only to find that you forgot. Nor do we want to wonder if you forgot beacause we haven't heard from you. While you might not lose brownie points for not confirming the day before, chances are you'll score some points by doing so.

I could go on with a list of tips for guys but I'll save them for other blogs. If any of you guys reading have any tips for the girls please don't hesitate to leave comments. I know there are two sides to every story and I'm sure there are things us ladies do that really get under your skin. Maybe I'll compile a list of gripes from my guy friends and post a blog for my lady readers to tune into.

Slacker

I'm a total slacker. I haven't updated this thing for over a month.
My friend Kristyna came from the Czech Republic and stayed at my place for a week. She's a fun girl! We did the usual stuff around San Diego...Balboa Park, the beach, Old Town, La Jolla. We went to the MOPA to check out some photography. I liked the travel photos from India. :) It inspired me to keep shooting more pics! Then then on Saturday the 6th Brenna and I drove Krys up to Long Beach to her next host. We took PCH from Dana Point to Long Beach and stopped in Laguna, Newport and Huntington. We walked down the pier at huntington and watched some of the surfers. It was totally chill and I got some awesome shots of the pier!
I started my photography class at school. I'm doing black and white darkroom photo and it's a lot more challenging than digital. However, I believe if you can be good working with film and the darkroom you can be good at digital and photoshop! I'm seriously considering changing my major to photography. I know, I'm so indecisive. But i feel very passionate about it and I can see myself behind the camera the rest of my life without burning out. I have an awesome instructor. He's very patient, loves to answer questions, and really encourages you. Not to mention he's not very old and he's totally hot! I think most of the girls in class have a thing for him! Funny thing is, he's especially hot when he compliments my work! HAHA! I really feel like I suck working with film in the darkroom at times but I know it's something new and I can't get discouraged.I'm starting to improve in that I don't ask for the teacher to judge my test prints as much. I can look at it and guess which exposure time would be best...and he usually agrees with me...whereas before he had to tell me which one was good. YAY for improvement! :) I checked a tripod out from the school today so I'm eager to set it up and go try some night photography! :) I'm going to ask Christopher and John if I can come to their apartment in downtown since they have roof access. That'll make for some interesting vantage points.
Anyway, I could talk about photography forever so I'll shut up now. I think once we start scanning images and messing around with the digital aspect of photos I'm going to start up a photo blog. :) I want a place where I can post my best and worst work together so I can compare how each improves over time. Anyway I better get going. I have so much more I want to write about but I need to go buy some film and negative sleeves haha.

L.A./O.C. with Sarah

I haven't been blogging much because i've been busy. Last weekend sarah and I went to L.A. We visited Universal Studios, Hollywood Blvd/Walk of Fame, the hollywood sign, and Rodeo Drive. On the way down to San Diego we hopped on pacific coast highway from Huntington Beach all the way down till it hits the 5 again. We stopped in Newport for some food and watched a GORGEOUS sunset. My friend daniel was kind enough to host us for a night. He's pretty awesome and i miss him a lot already. While we were in Hollywood my friend Chris and his bf Dan met up with us and were kind enough to show us around the town a bit. I love those guys!

Sarah went home this morning. :( I'm going to miss her but I know we will keep in touch. I can't believe I've only known her for about three weeks. It seems like we've known one another so much longer because we totally clicked and spent so much time together. With her around, I've had the opportunity to learn some french. I find that french comes very naturally for me. It might be because I already am fluent in spanish. I understand french a lot better than I can speak it but I'm catching on quickly. Hopefully I'll be good enough at it to get around by the time I go to Paris next summer!

I got some practice in with my photography. My class starts tomorrow! yay! my favorite pic that i took is the one with the tree and the sunset behind it :)

I work hard, and play even harder.

This week has been so busy but it's been loads of fun! It started with the party at Tabbys on saturday. Monday Tabby Nicole Pam and I all went to go see the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2. I absoloutley loved it! Yes, I know it's cheesy! I actually cried at some parts. Their friendship reminds me a lot of the friendship I have with Tabby Bren and Lins. Those three girls are amazing. No matter what's happening or if we're mad at each other (which doesnt happen often) if one of us needs the other, we're so there. Tabby and I have a unique friendship. We can go months without talking but we're always close. Even when life throws us in seperate directions our friendship had always stayed intact. I've been spending a lot of time with her as of late and I love it. It's like old times but better.

Wednesday night I went over to Chris and John's apartment in the gaslamp downtown. That place is amazing. The guys have done an awesome job with the interior decor bu of course it helps that they're both studying architecture. Jeff went over, too which was great. He's been gone a lot so I kinda missed my buddy. Em brought over some of her new decal designs and they were great! I'm ordering some stuff for her to put in my room. I like her style quite a bit. We walked around downtown trying to find a place to eat and we stumbled upon Bucca de Beppos. It was my first time there and the food was absoloutley delicious. Then we went back to the apartment and went up to the rooftop. It gives an interesting view of downtown and all the buildings. I can't wait to post pictures. gah...stinkin router.

Do you want to know why I love Christopher? I decided I love him because he's one of the few guys I can say "I have bad gas." to and he doesn't get grossed out. Instead he'll go get me some anti-gas pills. Ohhh I almost forgot. They sent him 10 copies of the Men on a Mission calendar (he's Mr. October) and he looked GREAT! I actually started blushing. It was awkward hanging out with him and seeing the calendar at first because he looked really good haha. It hits the malls in September so you best be looking for it!

I also love Mr Daniel Noon. He pretty much saved Sarah and I. We were having one heck of a time booking a hotel in Hollywood at a decent price that wasn't a whore house and he offered to let us crash at his apartment in Northridge. I'm so excited to see him! :)

Today I went to lunch with the girls again at Olive Garden. I love the lunch special! :) And I love you. Thanks for reading my insomniatic musings.

Ain't no party like a Tabby party!!!

Last night was crazy fun!!! Tabby had a party to celebrate her mom's birthday AND her puppy-dog Ashley's birthday! Chris even brough a "pupcake" for Ashley and Sam to eat haha. Anyway...what was so amazing was that everyone was there! Everyone as in all the kiddos we basically grew up with through high school...Kerrie, Andrea,Tabby, Nicole, Chris E, Brandon, Stefan, Gary, Shaina, Chris H, Chris F, Brandy, James, Sarah, Angel, Pam, Linn and a ton of other people. There were a few missing. :( I know it's a lot of us and you're probably wondering how such a large group of people can all be best friends...basically we were. It's wasn't impossible. We all had unique and close relationships one another. We've had our drama but more than anything we've had one another's back no matter what. It's the stuff friendship is made of.

We were always so close but after graduation we slowly all went our seperate ways. What is so amazing is that when we all see each other, we pick up where we left off. It's like we never missed a day. There isn't that awkward reacquaintance period at all. My wireless router is being lame so I can't use my computer to upload all the pics right now. However, I'll probably upload a whole bunch once I'm at Sarah's dorm. We're going to Universal Studios this weekend and then spending the next day doing all the touristy crap around L.A. :) It shall be great fun!

I also took Sarah with me ( see previous blog to figure out who that is) and I think she had a great time! She probably thinks americans are nuts but that's okay. It's pretty much an understatement haha.

I made it to the library....here are some pictures from that night. I'm going to go steal some more from tabby and kerries myspace.

Sporatic bursts of thought.

There really isn't any particular topic for my blog today. I'm just going to rattle off whatever I feel like writing about.

As some of you know, I've recently joined the Couch Surfing community. (couchsurfing.com) I'm enjoying it quite a bit because it's a great way to make friends with people all around the world. Tonight was the first time I met a friend from there. Her name is Sarah and she's here from Paris. We met up in front of Ben & Jerry's at Horton and went to get some paninis for dinner. Christopher and John joined us for some chit chat then she and I decided to go drive around. She'll only be here a couple more weeks so I want to make sure she sees as much of San Diego as she can. We went to La Jolla to visit the LDS temple. It was gorgeous as ever! We then drove down to the cove and watched the seals for a little bit. Then we walked around Prospect Street to take in the sights and sounds of the upscale La Jolla nightlife. She is a such a cool girl and I'm so glad I met her. She and I have a lot in common, even in our family situations. When you get to know people around the world you start to see that we're really not all that different. We all have more in common than we think we do, and the similarities outweigh the differences. When I go to Paris, hopefully next summer, I'm definitley going to hang out with her. Fortunately facebook and msn messenger are global so we'll have that to keep in touch as well!

I already registered for classes! I think I mentioned that in a previous blog...but I've also decided to change my major. I've been wrestling between nursing and social work. Nursing offers great job security and a great salary, but it isn't something I feel passionate about. It's something I'd end up doing more for the money. On the other hand, social work would offer me a decent occupational outlook and a salary I could comfortably live on, but the earning potential wouldn't be as high as is I was to go into nursing. After careful consideration and counsel with my mom, I think I'm going to go with social work. I'd rather do something I feel passionate about for the rest of my life, rather than do something I loathe but make a little more money. I wouldn't starve if I was a social worker so I'd still be well off enough. I already work in the social work field and I've applied for promotions within my company. There was only one position available as a supervisor and I was one of the top two candidates. The main reason why the other person had an edge over me was because they had the educational background and a few more year's worth of experience under their belt. Both are things I can acquire myself. Needless to say, even though I didn't get the promotion, it was still a learning experience for me. I'd never done something so bold in my career life. Not only was it a learning experience but it also brought me a sense of confidence and empowerment. I'm going to keep applying for promotions when they're available until the day I get the job. Something's got to give eventually!

I went to Sea World again. I love it there! I am absoloutley fascinated by marine life. I think my next passion after social work would be marine biology. Once my foot is better and I have a little more money saved up I would like to go for my SCUBA certificate. I'd love to combine my passions for photography and marine life and do some underwater photogtaphy. I think one of my favorite animals is the sea turtle. There are so many species of them but I think my two favorites are the green turtle and the leatherback turtle. Sea world has a few turtles. It would be so much fun to just go swimming with them!

Anyway folks, this is all for now. It's past my bedtime and I need to start getting on a more timely sleep schedule so I'm not all out of whack when school starts.

Au revoir!

Fathers

Just a heads up, this blog isn't something I'm writing to pity myself. I hope that someone, somewhere out there can relate to this blog and that through my experiences they can learn something or gain a sense of knowing that they're not alone.

"Ooh, you see that skin?

It's the same she's been standing in

Since the day she saw him walking away

Now she's left cleaning up the mess he made

So fathers, be good to your daughters

Daughters will live like you do

Girls become lovers who turn into mothers

So mothers, be good to your daughters too"

Daughters by John Mayer

I really don't know where to start because my thoughts and emotions are currently running a mile a minute. I've been really confused lately, not knowing exactly what I'm feeling or what I want to do with my emotions. My relationship with my dad has always been unique. I guess I should give you a little background story so you understand the current events that have taken place.

Lets rewind 25 years ago. My mom was waitress and my dad was a regular at the restaurant she worked in. They fell in love. All was blissful except my dad was still married. He told my mother he was in the process of getting a divorce. I was born two years later. My dad still hasn't gotten that divorce. Turns out he was basically cheating on his wife with my mom. Meanwhile he was filling mine and my mom's heads with false hopes and ideas that he would someday come live with us and that we'd be a legitimate family.

Recently my dad said he wanted to "turn a new leaf" and come see me more frequently. Things went well during the month of June. Then all of a sudden in July he disappeared again. Come to find out he took his wife on a little vacation. They flew to Germany to see his wife's daughter and her children. This wouldn't bother me except for the fact that he didn't say he'd be gone for the next few weeks. I was worried that something may have happened to him. He's been back for a little while now and has yet to see or even really call me. Why? Because he brought the family back from Germany with him.

Basicallly I feel like my dad never had the balls to stand up to his wife and tell her that he was going to raise the child he made. Instead he took the easiest way out and told her that he'd never see me or have anything to do with me again and secretly saw me behind her back. He never even bothered to tell his siblings that he had a daughter. Also, he never helped me stay in any contact with my brother or his family. I did that all myself. Two years ago I got up the courage to call my brother. We met and had dinner. That's the last time I saw him... July 17. 2006. Recently my brother's wife and I started talking with one another and I got to meet her and my niece. That was one of the happiest days of my life.

I'm finally coming to realize that I have no control over any of these things that have happened. I can only control myself and my emotions and how i react to things. I'm just having a hard time figuring out what i'm feeling, what to do with it, and what I want out of the situation. There have been many instances where I've told my dad my feelings, how things have affected me, and what I wanted out of our relationship. Obviously it hasn't really done much to benefit our relationship because he still does what he does. He still tells his lies and tries to take the easy way out of things. He still only comes around when it's convenient for him. I feel like if I talk to him again, I'm only wasting my breath. Because of this, I'm feeling like I'm ready to give up on the relationship. It comes to a point where it's not a real relationship because both parts aren't giving equally. I feel like I've been patient with him and put my needs aside to salvage what I could. The attitude I've had toward him has been more like, "Okay this is the time I get to spend with him. It's not fair but I'm going to make the most of it" but now I feel like I'm being pushed to the limit. 23 years ago he had a decision to make. His options were: 1-Leave the wife and raise a child with a new family. 2-Stand up to my wife and let her know I'm raising this child whether she likes it or not. 3-Continue to live a double life with my family and contribute financially to the welfare of this child to satiate my concience.

He chose 3. He chose to be with his family and keep me completely alienated from his real life. I honest to goodness have wondered what was so much better about them....why he picked them over me. Was I not good enough? Did he love them more? I still feel this way sometimes. It puts a hole in my heart constantly as I think about him going on family vacations with them, playing with their kids, laughing with them and overall just having relationships that I have absoloutley no part of. I feel like he's ashamed of me and at times I wonder what I could have done differently to make him want me in his life more.

Now that I'm older I'm realizing that it wasn't me. It's him. He made a mistake and wasn't man enough to own up to it. Whether it was right or wrong, he made his decision. Now that I'm an adult it's time for me to make mine. I've done all I could to be patient, kind and loving toward him. At times I feel like I am a burden to him, as if he doesn't really want to be a part of my life, but the guilt eats away at him so he does just enough to keep his concience at bay.

I'm not giving UP. I'm giving IN. The doors aren't closing. I'm just not going to be there to open them at his beck and call. It's time for me to move on and make my life happen. I've had puzzle pieces scattered around me my whole life. Some of them will never be where they should, but it's up to me to put together what's in my own hands.

Now I realize that it's not me who wasn't good enough. It's them who weren't strong enough to make it on their own. Heavenly Father knew that my mom and I were strong enough to make it on our own all these years and that's why we've had to have all these trials. I know that God sees everything and that He is a God of justice and mercy. We will all be judged by the Lord someday and will hold us accountable for the things we've done in our earthly life. I feel like my ancestors who have passed away already know who I am. I've felt this in the times I've done family history research and found their names. The peace I felt in those moments testified to me that they know me, love me, and appreciate my efforts to take their names to the temple. I know that someday, the truth will be known and that the Lord will compensate us for all that we've lacked. I know that even if my "dad" hasn't been there for me the way a girl needs a father, that I have a Father in heaven who is all I'll ever need and more.

Good Morning Milo!!!

So my friend's band recently released a new EP and it's amazing! You can listen to some of the songs on their myspace. Just go to music search and type "Good Morning Milo" You won't regret it, I promise! :)

School is starting Aug 25. I am so stoked! I'm taking Biology bc it's a prerequisite I need to get into all the science classes I need to apply to nursing school. And I'm taking photography because it's a hobby I've been wanting to pursue for so long! I'm taking an easy semester with only two classes because I haven't been in school for so long. I don't want to be overwhemled my first semester back. Not only that but I'm also going to adult school in the evenings after work so that I can earn my High School Diploma. High school was really difficult for me as I had a lot of trials that most kids never have to go through. I fell behind and I didnt want to be a "super senior" so I dropped out and took care of my grandpa until he died. I got my GED which is equivalent but I really want the personal satisfaction of having my diploma. Adult school starts on the 25th as well. As for now my friends, it's time for Joycie to lay her weary head to sleep. Thanks for reading another one of my blogs! :)

-Joycie

dance madness!!!

Friday night was amazing! My friends are awesome and know how to have a wicked good time! Somehow I managed to dance with my boot on. I found a way to work that thing! YAY!

nonsense

so i'm settled into my new room at my mom's place. I really like it here. I have a lot of the same freedom to go and do as I wish like I did when I was living on my own. I decided that with the money I'm saving with rent, I'm going to travel next year. I decided that already but I wasn't sure if I wanted to see south america or europe. The decisions has been made and I'm pretty sure I'll be going to Europe. There are a plethora of countries I'd like to see and I think I'll spout out a few....France, Spain, England, Ireland, Croatia, Slovenia, Italy, Switzerland, Germany, Czech Republic, Belgium, The Netherlands, and Latvia. That would all probably take me about a month maybe a little more.
I know I said I was taking a hiatus from dating...but then I realized I had a little crush on someone. I don't really have the energy left to do anything about the crush, as I doubt he feels the same way but it's just annoying in a way...it seems like once i get into that mode where i'm like "okay i'm focusing on school and putting dating on the back burner" POP out of nowhere comes someone. Oh well, I don't want to get my hopes up. I dont need another disappointment right now. I shouldn't be so pessemistic. In reality I should probably put my feelings out there even though I'd be risking quite a bit. But like I've said before there's no chance in gaining anything if you dont take a chance and risk something. Right?
Whatevs, I'm a chicken.

Welcome to the closing.

Joycie.

time for a little hiatus...

from dating.

I've been dating so many guys lately and one in particular really took a lot out of me. I feel like a lot of guys are liars and don't know how to be real with a girl. I think it's hilarious when they say they don't want any games when it's usually the guys who are playing them the most...at least from my experience.
I've been thinking through things and I feel like I've expended a lot of energy in the last year with the guys I've dated. I dont really have anything left to give right now. It's time to fill my bucket. So as far as dating goes, I won't turn a guy down if he wants to take me to dinner or whatever, but I'm making it clear that I'm not in search of anything serious right now. Like a friend of mine said in her blog...you have all of eternity to be married so you may as well make the most of your single days, because those are numbered.

Bitter-sweetness

So today is technically my last day living in downtown with Brenna as my roommate. It's been a lot of fun and luckily Bren and I are good enough friends to leave the apartment with our friendship still fully intact, if not stronger than before. It's a bitter sweet experience as we move all our stuff out. The location was great, the apartment was cute, and we worked really hard to paint and decorate the place to make it our own. But at the same time we're also happy to be leaving behind the drama that we had to put up with there and certain neighbors, and we definitley won't miss not being able to find parking when we get home past 10pm.
I feel like living at home, as cool as my mom is, I'm giving up part of my independence again. It makes me a little sad because I really like being independent, but I know that I chose the right thing to do. My mom has been having some health issues again so it's good I'm living with her. I'm the only family she has in the United States so I feel like we need to stick together. Living at home again will be beneficial to me too. Saving rent money means I can finally travel and see the world like I've always wanted to. I'm still thinking about taking a backpacking trip to europe next summer. Anyone looking for a travel companion? lol It also means I'll be able to keep working part time so that I can go to school in the mornings. My mom's place is also a lot closer to Grossmont College so I won't have to commute so far. I know I want to do a lot of things right now, but I can't do them all at once. Everything has a time and place and I think this is where I need to be right now.

I went to institute last night. Elder and Sister North are teaching a class on the Pearl of Great Price and let me just say...it's amazing! I think it's quickly becoming one of my favorite standard works! It imparts a wealth of information regarding where we came from....things that aren't recorded in the book of Genesis. I've been struggling through a spiritual slump but this class definitley helped me out. It's geting me excited about the scriptures. Before last night it had been months since i read from them.

Tuesday I went with my mom to her bible study with her pastor. I kinda just wanted to spend time with my mom, but I think my testimony of the gospel grew. A lot of the adventist beliefs line up with LDS beliefs but there were some things that didn't make sense. I asked certain questions that were answered in a round-about way. What really didn't make sense to me was when her pastor told me that when we die we are nothing. He said our bodies return to the ground and so i asked what happens to our spirits. He said we don't have a spirit/soul unless our bodies are resurrected and God gives us life again. Basically he said when we die we are nothing. The funny thing is, when he said these things, I didn't feel the spirit. That's how I knew these things weren't true. But when I study what we know to be true in the LDS church, the spirit is there. These experiences this week between my mom's pastor and the institute class really helped me find my testimony again. Now I'm starting to remember why I joined the church in the first place. I missed this feeling and I'm glad to have it back.

Moon walker!!!

So I've got my moon boot! :) That's what I call the walking boot I got from the orthopedic surgeon at UCSD Urgent Care today! As some of you may know, I've gone many routes trying to find the medical attention necessary to ensure that my 5th metatarsal avulsion fracture heals properly. I went through CMS and that lady was a _ _ _ _ _ (you fill in the blanks) who apparently misinformed me completely! Then I went thru medical but because I'm not pregnant or disabled I didn't qualify. I asked the medi-cal eligibility worker if I needed to go get knocked up and screw my life up at this point to get the medical services i needed. She laughed and said "yeah its screwed up isn't it?".

Today my mom encouraged me to go to UCSD (it's a teaching hospital) and the services were great. At Sharop Grossmont I didnt even get seen by a doctor. I was only seen by the nurse. At UCSD the doctor and the OS both came and saw me and gave me the number to their orthopedic clinic for a follow up in 2 weeks. Not only that but the on-site CMS worker confirmed that the other lady clearly misinformed me and that I should probably report her.

Oh I also loved how the receptionist asked, "Is this injury a result of can accident?" to which I replied "Well I accidently fell. It's not like i did it on purpose." haha...seriously people. c'mon!

The good news was it WASNT a Jones fracture. It's an avulsion fracture so that means it'll only take about 6 weeks to heal. I'm supposed to keep using my crutches even though I have the walking boot. They said I could bear as much weight as I could comfortably bear. So far it's not a whole lot but it'll get better in time. I feel soooo much better! Oh and here's the pic of one of my crutches! Kim and i went through a bunch of her scrap material and found some cute material to make cushions for the crutches. They're so uncomfortable but the cushions definitley help!

Sunday bloginocity...

Today was an amazing day at church! Bishop Petersen bore his testimony and he quoted a General Authority...I don't remember which one. But he posed the question: "Are you active in the church? Or are you active in the gospel?" I think it really got a lot of people thinking. So many of us go through the motions but it's like we're on autopilot. We do things like robots without our hearts and minds truly being engaged in the gospel.

I think one thing I need to learn to go is to let people serve me. Being on these stinkin' crutches really sucks. It was fun maybe the first day. But now it's a pain in the butt because it makes a lot of menial tasks a little more challenging. Like for example, just carrying my plate of food from the serving area to the table. I get really stubborn and I want to do everything on my own because I don't want to become a burden to others, however, when people offer to help I should probably let them. If you don't allow a willing person to serve you, you're denying them the blessings of serving others. I guess I'll just have to swallow my pride and suck it up.

Pictures from Sea World I promised...