Saturday, February 7, 2009

Photo 2

This semester I enrolled in photo 2. I'm so glad I got the same teacher I had last semester. Andy is a really good instructor. I usually feel extremely self concious about my photography but I actually felt comfortable in critiques last semester. This semester is supposed to be a little more heated so I'm a little worried about that but I'm sure it'll be fine. I know as an artist you're supposed to have a thick skin so you can recieve critique on your work to help foster growth, but I think im still a little sensitive haha. Showing my photography is in some ways like baring my soul. It's like poetry that is written with pictures instead of words. I know it sounds cheesy and so cliche but as time goes on I'm realizing how true this is. I'm finding connections between my work and the things I feel when no one is around.
Last semester was the first time I enrolled in a college class and didn't drop it. I tried many semesters before but I lacked the confidence. It wasn't easy and I was tempted to drop several times last semester, but I kept going and I even got an A in the class. I fell in love with photography so much, it didn't take a whole lot to put a lot of effort into it. This semester I'm in photo 2 and in psychology. Psychology will help me with work a lot. I want to major in social work and do photography as a side thing to make extra income. Realistically, I just had to go with whatever would provide me the most stable income. I wish I had scanned some of my work last semester to show you all but I mounted a lot of my stuff already. :( So I took pictures of some of my work. The quality won't be the greatest considering it's pictures of pictures...but at least I'll finally get to post some of what I've worked on in the darkroom.

On the trolley one, the light was reflecting off the glossy paper so sorry about that. :( This semester I'll remember to scan things. :)

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Give and Take

Seldom will two people ever agree on what is "fair". From my experiences I've gathered that fairness is a self-serving concept that has no real court to justify it. For this reason it is vital that people learn to compromise. Compromise is a situation in which both parties agree to sacrifice something so that both can walk away feeling happy and satisfied. We can't always have everything our way, but it's not fair to ask the other person to give without being willing to sacrifice something ourselves. By asking the person to give with nothing in return, they could be sacrificing many things including their emotions and love.

One thing I've learned about myself recently is that I need to stop accepting less than what i deserve. I cannot give to others what I dont have and by this I mean my love, effort, emotions, or any other means of limited supply.

For example, you can choose to love someone, but if they can't love and respect you in return, they're not replenishing what you've given them. After a while you begin to feel drained, used, and resentful.

I dont know if any of this is making sense in the way that I am wording it all. I had about a million epiphanies in my car this morning and I wish I could remember them all in detail the way I said them. I mostly write this for myself so that I don't forget what I've learned. i'll try to blog more. I've been wanting to for some time but with my work schedule and my classes it seems as though my precious blogging time has been reduced to nothing.

Ah something else I realized....
a guy who truly loves you and wants to be with you will walk on glass (figuratively speaking) to be with the woman he loves. He will be willing to commit to you the way you're willing to commit to him, however big or small that commitment might be. He'll be willing to make sacrifices to ensure that you will be with him and no one else. If he can't secure those ties, there's no reason to hang onto a string that isn't attached to anything.
And if your ex says he wants to be friends, and treats you like you're still dating but doesn't want to make the commitment, don't be flattered. All he's trying to do is soften the blow of the feelings he's not ready to deal with on his own yet. yeah, he might love you. He might really miss you. But the only reason he misses you is because he is chosing to live his life without you. If this is the case, then like the book says...he's just not that into you.

There's someone that used to be in my life that i still love very much but one thing I've realized is that at this point in time, I can't fill his needs, and he can't fulfill mine. I can't go on waiting for him to come around, sacrificing my needs, my emotions, my feelings and my love in order to make him happy and fill his every want and need. I can't do this without some kind of commitment or sacrifice on his part because inevitably, i'm going to hurt myself more in the long run. If he's ready to come to me and make those commitments, I know my arms will be open. But until then I think we just have to grow seperately. It's not to say it doesn't hurt, or that I don't miss him. Or that I don't love him. But I need to take care of myself because I can be capable of taking care of others, especially when the person i'm taking care of isn't willing to do the same for me.
No hard feelings. If our paths cross later and we realize that we grew up and can be together again, great. But like daniel said to expectations, no disappointments.

We all want to be loved. We all want to be needed. But much of the time we're better off loving, validating, and reaffirming ourselves of the things we need than we are depending on someone else to do those things for us. With or without him, I am a whole person. I don't need him to make me whole, but I know that he added a lot to me as a person. I'll miss him like hell but for now I have to move on. that's my only job. I have so much going for me. I have a career i am building, an education I'm working diligently at, and a good head on my shoulders. I guess that means that someday I wont be so broken anymore.