Fathers

Just a heads up, this blog isn't something I'm writing to pity myself. I hope that someone, somewhere out there can relate to this blog and that through my experiences they can learn something or gain a sense of knowing that they're not alone.

"Ooh, you see that skin?

It's the same she's been standing in

Since the day she saw him walking away

Now she's left cleaning up the mess he made

So fathers, be good to your daughters

Daughters will live like you do

Girls become lovers who turn into mothers

So mothers, be good to your daughters too"

Daughters by John Mayer

I really don't know where to start because my thoughts and emotions are currently running a mile a minute. I've been really confused lately, not knowing exactly what I'm feeling or what I want to do with my emotions. My relationship with my dad has always been unique. I guess I should give you a little background story so you understand the current events that have taken place.

Lets rewind 25 years ago. My mom was waitress and my dad was a regular at the restaurant she worked in. They fell in love. All was blissful except my dad was still married. He told my mother he was in the process of getting a divorce. I was born two years later. My dad still hasn't gotten that divorce. Turns out he was basically cheating on his wife with my mom. Meanwhile he was filling mine and my mom's heads with false hopes and ideas that he would someday come live with us and that we'd be a legitimate family.

Recently my dad said he wanted to "turn a new leaf" and come see me more frequently. Things went well during the month of June. Then all of a sudden in July he disappeared again. Come to find out he took his wife on a little vacation. They flew to Germany to see his wife's daughter and her children. This wouldn't bother me except for the fact that he didn't say he'd be gone for the next few weeks. I was worried that something may have happened to him. He's been back for a little while now and has yet to see or even really call me. Why? Because he brought the family back from Germany with him.

Basicallly I feel like my dad never had the balls to stand up to his wife and tell her that he was going to raise the child he made. Instead he took the easiest way out and told her that he'd never see me or have anything to do with me again and secretly saw me behind her back. He never even bothered to tell his siblings that he had a daughter. Also, he never helped me stay in any contact with my brother or his family. I did that all myself. Two years ago I got up the courage to call my brother. We met and had dinner. That's the last time I saw him... July 17. 2006. Recently my brother's wife and I started talking with one another and I got to meet her and my niece. That was one of the happiest days of my life.

I'm finally coming to realize that I have no control over any of these things that have happened. I can only control myself and my emotions and how i react to things. I'm just having a hard time figuring out what i'm feeling, what to do with it, and what I want out of the situation. There have been many instances where I've told my dad my feelings, how things have affected me, and what I wanted out of our relationship. Obviously it hasn't really done much to benefit our relationship because he still does what he does. He still tells his lies and tries to take the easy way out of things. He still only comes around when it's convenient for him. I feel like if I talk to him again, I'm only wasting my breath. Because of this, I'm feeling like I'm ready to give up on the relationship. It comes to a point where it's not a real relationship because both parts aren't giving equally. I feel like I've been patient with him and put my needs aside to salvage what I could. The attitude I've had toward him has been more like, "Okay this is the time I get to spend with him. It's not fair but I'm going to make the most of it" but now I feel like I'm being pushed to the limit. 23 years ago he had a decision to make. His options were: 1-Leave the wife and raise a child with a new family. 2-Stand up to my wife and let her know I'm raising this child whether she likes it or not. 3-Continue to live a double life with my family and contribute financially to the welfare of this child to satiate my concience.

He chose 3. He chose to be with his family and keep me completely alienated from his real life. I honest to goodness have wondered what was so much better about them....why he picked them over me. Was I not good enough? Did he love them more? I still feel this way sometimes. It puts a hole in my heart constantly as I think about him going on family vacations with them, playing with their kids, laughing with them and overall just having relationships that I have absoloutley no part of. I feel like he's ashamed of me and at times I wonder what I could have done differently to make him want me in his life more.

Now that I'm older I'm realizing that it wasn't me. It's him. He made a mistake and wasn't man enough to own up to it. Whether it was right or wrong, he made his decision. Now that I'm an adult it's time for me to make mine. I've done all I could to be patient, kind and loving toward him. At times I feel like I am a burden to him, as if he doesn't really want to be a part of my life, but the guilt eats away at him so he does just enough to keep his concience at bay.

I'm not giving UP. I'm giving IN. The doors aren't closing. I'm just not going to be there to open them at his beck and call. It's time for me to move on and make my life happen. I've had puzzle pieces scattered around me my whole life. Some of them will never be where they should, but it's up to me to put together what's in my own hands.

Now I realize that it's not me who wasn't good enough. It's them who weren't strong enough to make it on their own. Heavenly Father knew that my mom and I were strong enough to make it on our own all these years and that's why we've had to have all these trials. I know that God sees everything and that He is a God of justice and mercy. We will all be judged by the Lord someday and will hold us accountable for the things we've done in our earthly life. I feel like my ancestors who have passed away already know who I am. I've felt this in the times I've done family history research and found their names. The peace I felt in those moments testified to me that they know me, love me, and appreciate my efforts to take their names to the temple. I know that someday, the truth will be known and that the Lord will compensate us for all that we've lacked. I know that even if my "dad" hasn't been there for me the way a girl needs a father, that I have a Father in heaven who is all I'll ever need and more.