Just because I'm fat doesn't mean...

...that I can't have an eating disorder. Most people don't realize that the majority of bulimics AREN'T emaciated. As a matter of fact most of us "mias" (as we are called in the underground world of eating disorders) are either average, or overweight. People don't usually suspect that we're puking our guts out so it's easier to hide it. Most of the time when we purge our body cannot rid itself of ALL the calories we've consumed in our binge (which can be thousands upon thousands within an hour...sometimes even in just a few minutes). Some of those calories are absorbed before we purge, and some simply cannot escape our stomachs. So why do we torment ourselves if we often end up being chunky anyway?

I can't answer that question for every girl. Each case if unique and all I can do is simply provide you with my own theories and perspectives derived from my own personal experiences. I know that for me, bulimia has everything to do with a control fallacy. I started binging and purging when I was 12 years old. This was when I was going through a lot of difficult things that as a child I had no control over. I turned to food as my comfort. I quickly became overweight and out of desperation I searched for ways to control my food intake. I remembered the girls with eating disorders I saw on talk shows and one night I thought "well i could just try puking". Little did I know that this would be the beginning of a vicious cycle that would last 11 years. Binging for me became a means of compensation for the guilt and loss of control I felt after a binge. Over time the purge almost seemed to become symbolic of all the negative feelings I harbored within myself. I adapted my own rituals that made it feel almost therapeutic.

For the past 11 years I have tried to seek help and attempted many times to recover on my own. The problem I ran into a lot of the time is that no one took me seriously. I would tell adults such as my counselors at school or even my therapist about what i was going through....well actually it was my mom who would tell them. They usually shrugged it off and just gave me the whole spiel on why it's so bad for my body and to just stop. The engorged fat cells on my body kept them from seeing what an issue it was becoming.

I used to recover sometimes for months at a time and I'd gain back a lot of weight. You see, I recovered from the purging part and not the binging part for a time. So this translated to me still eating like a pig but actually digesting it all so I ballooned up to almost 270 pounds. That was at the end of high school.

So where am I now with this whole recovery thing?

Five years later I am working on recovery...still. I learned a lot though. I find that when you try to quit a habit or an addiction you have times when you might relapse. Instead of getting upset and throwing in the towel, it's should be embraced as time for growth and analyzation. I'm an analyitical person so I like to take each relapre and figure out what went wrong. Once you know what's gone wrong you can figure out a way to stop it from happening again. In essence, it's a time for learning about oneself. As a matter of fact, I am a firm believer that a part of recovery are the relapses themselves. I am currently in therapy to help me figure out ways to deal with stress and life in general so that I don't turn to food and then to purging. I've been doing pretty well lately. I dont want to post any numbers as that may be triggering to others who are in recovery but I will say that I've been able to lose some weight without purging as a means of weight control. (I actually still am overweight so losing weight is good. if i was already thin that wouldnt be so great). I've been learning to eat healthier food and control my portions. I exercise more than I used to (although still not enough haha).

I basically came to the realization that I wasn't going to grow out of this disorder. I had to take control of it and not let it control me anymore. Someday I'll have a family of my own and there will be enough trials to work through and this is one thing that shouldn't be on my plate when I'm raising children.

Bulimia can control your life in ways people don't even realize unless they've been through it themselves. For this reason I caution anyone who's even thinking about doing it to dismiss those thoughts and go exercise instead. This next part may be too descriptive for some people so if you don't think you can handle the details then I suggest you stop reading right here....

Bulimia controls your thoughts. When you're not binging or purging, you're thinking about what youre goign to eat next, where you'll get it, how much it'll cost, how you'll lie to cover it up, where you'll get rid of it and how you'll get rid of it. Heaven forbid your plan of action for disposal may face some interference...when that happens you'll most likely get a panic attack and start crying and hyperventilating as you realize you just ate three jumbo jacks, a large order of fries, 4 tacos, cheese sticks and a milkshake and that youre actually about to digest them if you don't do something quick.

For those of you who think bulimia is something glamorous...let me give you a reality check. There is nothing glamorous about having your head in a toilet with water/puke splashing up at you with every heave that explodes into your porcelain throne. Or how about the nights you might not be able to get to a toilet so you puke in your fast food cup and empty the contents into plastic bags and then throw them in the dumpster behind the grocery store and hope that no one catches you. Bulimia is disgusting. It's an ugly monster that preys on the minds of innocent victims who are at times too naive to know that this may possibly take over their lives, if not take them altogether. There are so many health risks related to eating disorders but I'm not going to sit here and talk about them all. Most of us already know of the havoc they can wreak on our bodies and if you don't you can just google it.

This is my experience with bulimia. I'm happy to say that I'm doing a lot better and I'm finding happiness in my life without it. For so long I was afraid to let "mia" go but now I see that without her I have time to LIVE again! I used to keep it a secret but now that I'm doing so much better I just hope that my own experiences can help someone out. If youve gotten this far you're awesome and youre a real trooper.

Thanks for reading another one of my blogs...

-Joycie