Best day of my life so far!!!

Some of you know my family dynamics, and for those of you who don't, here is a quick rundown...
My dad cheated on his wife with my mom and they had me. My dad and his wife stayed together and they have a son who's about 15 years older than I am. He is married and they have a child of their own. Her name is Ena. My bro (Jerry) and I have never been close. I've kept in contact with his wife Julia over the last year and about two months ago we talked about meeting up and going somewhere to get to know one another and so i can get to know my 2-year-old niece.

On Wednesday she called and said that she really wanted to meet up with me so we decided to look at our calendars and get back to each other about which days would be good. I called her back on thursday and she said that they were going to Sea World the following day and that they'd like me to come...SO I DID!!! This may not be a big deal for a lot of people but it is for me. All my life it's just been me and my mom and that's been enough for me. However there were times I felt that missing link with other members of my family. Jerry is my closest blood-related sibling. When I found out they had a baby I wanted nothing more than to meet her. After all, this is my dad's grandchild. Julia had sent me pictures of Ena before and she looked a lot like I did when I was a kid. She looks like her dad, and my brother and I both look a lot like our father.

We saw the dolphins, Shamu, sharks, the penguins, and Sea Otters. She seems fascinated by animals! Her speech is very clear for such a young child and she's very aware of her surroundings. i honestly fell in love that with kid when I laid eyes on her. To me she is the most beautiful kid I've seen and my heart just swelled with joy. I know it sounds cheesy! haha But when she'd ask me to hold her, or she would hug me, I just melted! I've always known I want kids someday but I didn't really feel passionately about it. After spending time with Ena playing, wrestling around, talking, and just seeing what it is to love a kid like that, I feel a lot more passionate about having children of my own when the time is right.

I can't wait to see her again. I might have some pictures up as soon as i get them developed. I left my SD card for my camera at home so I had to buy a disposable camera :(

Just because I'm fat doesn't mean...

...that I can't have an eating disorder. Most people don't realize that the majority of bulimics AREN'T emaciated. As a matter of fact most of us "mias" (as we are called in the underground world of eating disorders) are either average, or overweight. People don't usually suspect that we're puking our guts out so it's easier to hide it. Most of the time when we purge our body cannot rid itself of ALL the calories we've consumed in our binge (which can be thousands upon thousands within an hour...sometimes even in just a few minutes). Some of those calories are absorbed before we purge, and some simply cannot escape our stomachs. So why do we torment ourselves if we often end up being chunky anyway?

I can't answer that question for every girl. Each case if unique and all I can do is simply provide you with my own theories and perspectives derived from my own personal experiences. I know that for me, bulimia has everything to do with a control fallacy. I started binging and purging when I was 12 years old. This was when I was going through a lot of difficult things that as a child I had no control over. I turned to food as my comfort. I quickly became overweight and out of desperation I searched for ways to control my food intake. I remembered the girls with eating disorders I saw on talk shows and one night I thought "well i could just try puking". Little did I know that this would be the beginning of a vicious cycle that would last 11 years. Binging for me became a means of compensation for the guilt and loss of control I felt after a binge. Over time the purge almost seemed to become symbolic of all the negative feelings I harbored within myself. I adapted my own rituals that made it feel almost therapeutic.

For the past 11 years I have tried to seek help and attempted many times to recover on my own. The problem I ran into a lot of the time is that no one took me seriously. I would tell adults such as my counselors at school or even my therapist about what i was going through....well actually it was my mom who would tell them. They usually shrugged it off and just gave me the whole spiel on why it's so bad for my body and to just stop. The engorged fat cells on my body kept them from seeing what an issue it was becoming.

I used to recover sometimes for months at a time and I'd gain back a lot of weight. You see, I recovered from the purging part and not the binging part for a time. So this translated to me still eating like a pig but actually digesting it all so I ballooned up to almost 270 pounds. That was at the end of high school.

So where am I now with this whole recovery thing?

Five years later I am working on recovery...still. I learned a lot though. I find that when you try to quit a habit or an addiction you have times when you might relapse. Instead of getting upset and throwing in the towel, it's should be embraced as time for growth and analyzation. I'm an analyitical person so I like to take each relapre and figure out what went wrong. Once you know what's gone wrong you can figure out a way to stop it from happening again. In essence, it's a time for learning about oneself. As a matter of fact, I am a firm believer that a part of recovery are the relapses themselves. I am currently in therapy to help me figure out ways to deal with stress and life in general so that I don't turn to food and then to purging. I've been doing pretty well lately. I dont want to post any numbers as that may be triggering to others who are in recovery but I will say that I've been able to lose some weight without purging as a means of weight control. (I actually still am overweight so losing weight is good. if i was already thin that wouldnt be so great). I've been learning to eat healthier food and control my portions. I exercise more than I used to (although still not enough haha).

I basically came to the realization that I wasn't going to grow out of this disorder. I had to take control of it and not let it control me anymore. Someday I'll have a family of my own and there will be enough trials to work through and this is one thing that shouldn't be on my plate when I'm raising children.

Bulimia can control your life in ways people don't even realize unless they've been through it themselves. For this reason I caution anyone who's even thinking about doing it to dismiss those thoughts and go exercise instead. This next part may be too descriptive for some people so if you don't think you can handle the details then I suggest you stop reading right here....

Bulimia controls your thoughts. When you're not binging or purging, you're thinking about what youre goign to eat next, where you'll get it, how much it'll cost, how you'll lie to cover it up, where you'll get rid of it and how you'll get rid of it. Heaven forbid your plan of action for disposal may face some interference...when that happens you'll most likely get a panic attack and start crying and hyperventilating as you realize you just ate three jumbo jacks, a large order of fries, 4 tacos, cheese sticks and a milkshake and that youre actually about to digest them if you don't do something quick.

For those of you who think bulimia is something glamorous...let me give you a reality check. There is nothing glamorous about having your head in a toilet with water/puke splashing up at you with every heave that explodes into your porcelain throne. Or how about the nights you might not be able to get to a toilet so you puke in your fast food cup and empty the contents into plastic bags and then throw them in the dumpster behind the grocery store and hope that no one catches you. Bulimia is disgusting. It's an ugly monster that preys on the minds of innocent victims who are at times too naive to know that this may possibly take over their lives, if not take them altogether. There are so many health risks related to eating disorders but I'm not going to sit here and talk about them all. Most of us already know of the havoc they can wreak on our bodies and if you don't you can just google it.

This is my experience with bulimia. I'm happy to say that I'm doing a lot better and I'm finding happiness in my life without it. For so long I was afraid to let "mia" go but now I see that without her I have time to LIVE again! I used to keep it a secret but now that I'm doing so much better I just hope that my own experiences can help someone out. If youve gotten this far you're awesome and youre a real trooper.

Thanks for reading another one of my blogs...

-Joycie

"times change and mind rearrange"

That's actually a lyric from a Mest song I liked a lot in high school. And it's the truth. Just a RUT (Random Useless Thought).

So I've made a few new goals for myself to add to the ones I mentioned in my first blog.

-Become scuba certified by the end of summer.

-Dive in the Great Barrier Reef (whenever it happens ha)

-Go shark diving (in a cage of course)

-Go to Costa Rica next summer and work with the endangered leatherback turtles.

-Get underwater housing for my camera and do underwater photography.

-Take a cake decorating class over the summer.

These are things I've thought about for a while but wasn't sure I wanted to do. But the way I see it, 70% of the world is water...why not explore what's under it? I'm sure its probably more fascinating than land exploration. And the Costa Rica/Turtle thing...Well I've always wanted to go to south america...and turtles are my favorite animal! Leatherback turtles are actually the largest of sea turtle species weighing in at a whopping 1800-2000 pounds! I have so many things I want to do. I just need to take it one at a time. Eventually I'll do them all.

As far as cake decorating goes...I love baking! Especially cakes! I think decorating them is fun. I'm a total novice but I'm sure with some classes offered at Michaels I can learn the basics and then expand on that. Plus it would be cool to do cakes for friends weddings. When you're mormon everyone gets married all the time. So it's a little extra spending money. :)

joy and a time for change...

I went to church today for the first time in about a month and a half and can i just say WOW! I didnt realize how good the gospel felt until I started to miss it. The funniest thing happened last week. I got a call from the bishop and I thought I was being released from my calling as Relief Society Secretary because I hadn't been attending church and we were getting a new presidency since Isabel got married this weekend. Come to find out, they actually wanted me to stay and come back to church...and not release me. I gladly reaccepted the calling and I'm so stoked to be serving in the relief society alongside three really awesome girls! We had a meeting this morning to throw out ideas and let me just say I am STOKED for the things to come our way! We really would like to work with the Elder's Quorum and help make our Relief Society and Ward a more unified place to be where everyone feels like they belong. This calling is just what I've been needing. Even though I didn't realize it until today, Heavenly Father never stopped looking out for me even when I was making unwise decisions and I felt my testimony begin to crumble. I will be truthful, lately I've had a lot of doubts and at times I didn't want anything to do with the church but deep in my heart I know without the gospel I'm not as happy as I could be. The world has a lot to offer us to make us happy but it's only temporary. Only LASTING happiness comes from the joy that only the gospel can offer us. Joy and happiness are in a way completely different from one another. Happiness to me can be a fleeting moment of an elevated mood...when something good happens you feel happy but that feeling often wears off rather quickly. Joy is more of a feeling of satisfaction that lasts no matter what life throws at you. When you know who you are, where you came from, and where you are going *in a spiritual sense* and you truly believe in it, joy is something much easier to come by.

Now is the time for you, me, and everyone to make changes in their lives. It's your shot to call WHEN you'll make the changes but as for me, this is my time for change. I really long to have the testimony I had three years ago. It was a simple testimony but it was so strong and no one could tell me anything different. I almost feel like I'm starting over but that's okay...as long as I'm starting. Everything has a starting point...right?

Something else I've been thinking about the last couple of days is the human tendency to worry. I speak for myself when I say these things but I'm sure a lot of us can relate to this more than we would like to admit. I spent so much time in my life worrying about everything...worrying about things that are happening, may happen, may NOT happen, or did happen. My mom always tells me that if something has a solution, not to worry about it. And if it doesn't have a solution, then dont worry about that either because it's beyond your control and then you just have to accept whatever it is. My own epiphany this week was that I shouldn't worry about the future. A lot of the time I find myself stressing about things that might never even happen and usually dont. Just enjoy life for the moment you're living it in. Make the most of it because once the moment passes you can't go back and live it again. So cheesy. So cliche. So true.

These are my random musings for now. I hope if anyone reads this, they gained something from it.

Friendships

I got in touch with an old friend tonight and we have had an interesting conversation. I've come to the realization that there are some friends you'll have in life that you dont have to talk to or see all the time to know they're your friend. You know they're always there for you and when you do see them you just pick up where you left off. That's an amazing feeling. Those of you in my life who are those friends to me know who you are. Thanks for being so awesome!

Excited!!!

I'm stoked to be starting this blog! I was going to just continue using my Xanga (i'll post a link later) and it's been years since I've posted anything in that one. However, I was reading through it today and realized how much CRAP I wrote in that blog and you could clearly see the immaturity at that age. I figured I'd just start fresh and post something right here, right now.

it's 2:30am right now. I've had a lot on my mind today so I've found it difficult to stop my mind from spinning. The thing that has weighed on my mind the most has been school, and the many things I want to accomplish. Here is a list of the things I would like to accomplish.

-Become a R.N.
-Play Piano
-Play guitar
-Learn to decorate cakes. (I LOVE baking!)
-Take a photography class and spend more time with that hobby.
-Travel! I want to see the world! More specifically I'd like to see all of Europe!
-Brush up on my German skills
-Take Spanish classes so I can learn the language properly.
-Learn to speak Portuguese, Italian and French. I really love language!
-Write at least one song on my own...the music and lyrics both!

I'm sure I could keep going but these are the things that are on my mind tonight! I have a lot of ambitions at this point. Sometimes when there are a lot of things you want to do, accomplishing them all can be such a daunting task that we procrastinate and don't do anything at all. You have to prioritize and start with one thing and work your way down the list. It takes time but once you accomplish those things you'll be empowered to do so much more! I would say becoming a nurse definitley takes precedence above all the other things on the list. I think it would be wise to get my career moving.

I've been a little torn lately as I've been unsure of which career path to take. I've kind of fallen into social work with my current job and I absoloutley love it. I can see myself doing it as a career and I know it would be easy for me. However, the occupational outlook is much bleaker than it is for nurses. The salary isn't as good either. When I was in high school and even up until a couple of years ago I truly had a desire to be a nurse. I ended up shying away from that goal because I was afraid I would fail. So I chose social work as a major because I knew it would be easy for me. It was safe. But there isn't any growth in comfort. Lately I've come to learn that sometimes we need to take a chance and not be afraid of failiure. I talked to my mom about it today and she said something along the lines of
"You haven't failed until you've failed to try."
It's so true! I hadn't thought of it like that. I really want to do this. I don't want to give up on my goals and aspirations anymore. Life is too short to sit around and be afraid of living it. Just get out there, give it your best and be happy with the outcome no matter what it is! That's all for now. I'm excited to be blogging again!

-Joycie

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