Photo 2

This semester I enrolled in photo 2. I'm so glad I got the same teacher I had last semester. Andy is a really good instructor. I usually feel extremely self concious about my photography but I actually felt comfortable in critiques last semester. This semester is supposed to be a little more heated so I'm a little worried about that but I'm sure it'll be fine. I know as an artist you're supposed to have a thick skin so you can recieve critique on your work to help foster growth, but I think im still a little sensitive haha. Showing my photography is in some ways like baring my soul. It's like poetry that is written with pictures instead of words. I know it sounds cheesy and so cliche but as time goes on I'm realizing how true this is. I'm finding connections between my work and the things I feel when no one is around.

Last semester was the first time I enrolled in a college class and didn't drop it. I tried many semesters before but I lacked the confidence. It wasn't easy and I was tempted to drop several times last semester, but I kept going and I even got an A in the class. I fell in love with photography so much, it didn't take a whole lot to put a lot of effort into it. This semester I'm in photo 2 and in psychology. Psychology will help me with work a lot. I want to major in social work and do photography as a side thing to make extra income. Realistically, I just had to go with whatever would provide me the most stable income. I wish I had scanned some of my work last semester to show you all but I mounted a lot of my stuff already. :( So I took pictures of some of my work. The quality won't be the greatest considering it's pictures of pictures...but at least I'll finally get to post some of what I've worked on in the darkroom.

On the trolley one, the light was reflecting off the glossy paper so sorry about that. :( This semester I'll remember to scan things. :)

Give and Take

Seldom will two people ever agree on what is "fair". From my experiences I've gathered that fairness is a self-serving concept that has no real court to justify it. For this reason it is vital that people learn to compromise. Compromise is a situation in which both parties agree to sacrifice something so that both can walk away feeling happy and satisfied. We can't always have everything our way, but it's not fair to ask the other person to give without being willing to sacrifice something ourselves. By asking the person to give with nothing in return, they could be sacrificing many things including their emotions and love.

One thing I've learned about myself recently is that I need to stop accepting less than what i deserve. I cannot give to others what I dont have and by this I mean my love, effort, emotions, or any other means of limited supply.

For example, you can choose to love someone, but if they can't love and respect you in return, they're not replenishing what you've given them. After a while you begin to feel drained, used, and resentful.

I dont know if any of this is making sense in the way that I am wording it all. I had about a million epiphanies in my car this morning and I wish I could remember them all in detail the way I said them. I mostly write this for myself so that I don't forget what I've learned. i'll try to blog more. I've been wanting to for some time but with my work schedule and my classes it seems as though my precious blogging time has been reduced to nothing.

Ah something else I realized....
a guy who truly loves you and wants to be with you will walk on glass (figuratively speaking) to be with the woman he loves. He will be willing to commit to you the way you're willing to commit to him, however big or small that commitment might be. He'll be willing to make sacrifices to ensure that you will be with him and no one else. If he can't secure those ties, there's no reason to hang onto a string that isn't attached to anything.
And if your ex says he wants to be friends, and treats you like you're still dating but doesn't want to make the commitment, don't be flattered. All he's trying to do is soften the blow of the feelings he's not ready to deal with on his own yet. yeah, he might love you. He might really miss you. But the only reason he misses you is because he is chosing to live his life without you. If this is the case, then like the book says...he's just not that into you.

There's someone that used to be in my life that i still love very much but one thing I've realized is that at this point in time, I can't fill his needs, and he can't fulfill mine. I can't go on waiting for him to come around, sacrificing my needs, my emotions, my feelings and my love in order to make him happy and fill his every want and need. I can't do this without some kind of commitment or sacrifice on his part because inevitably, i'm going to hurt myself more in the long run. If he's ready to come to me and make those commitments, I know my arms will be open. But until then I think we just have to grow seperately. It's not to say it doesn't hurt, or that I don't miss him. Or that I don't love him. But I need to take care of myself because I can be capable of taking care of others, especially when the person i'm taking care of isn't willing to do the same for me.
No hard feelings. If our paths cross later and we realize that we grew up and can be together again, great. But like daniel said to me...no expectations, no disappointments.

We all want to be loved. We all want to be needed. But much of the time we're better off loving, validating, and reaffirming ourselves of the things we need than we are depending on someone else to do those things for us. With or without him, I am a whole person. I don't need him to make me whole, but I know that he added a lot to me as a person. I'll miss him like hell but for now I have to move on. that's my only job. I have so much going for me. I have a career i am building, an education I'm working diligently at, and a good head on my shoulders. I guess that means that someday I wont be so broken anymore.

critique, growth, and black and white photos.

Tonight I had my second photo critique of the semester. The object of this assignment was to experiment with frame and vantage point. I missed class all last week so I was totally stressing because the only time I had was during lab. Luckily I have an awesome teacher who lets us off the hook a bit when he knows we've been working hard. Anyway...I felt really confident with the work I presented. Last week was rough. I felt like I really sucked and the content of my photos wasn't so great. The motivation and inspiration were running low but I thought..."What the heck...I'm going to balboa and taking some pictures!" I took the lady I work with and she offered to pose as my model! Any of you who have met her know she's adorable! She LOVES to be in front of the camera. Unfortunately I can't scan and post any of the photos until I acquire a photo release from work so the company doesn't get used for violating any privacy policies. But I learned a lot during this shoot. I felt like I grew as a photographer by stepping outside of my comfort zone and photographing strangers. Some of them I went up to and talked to and asked them if I could take a picture...some I just did completely candidly. This helped me gain confidence in street photography.
I also grew because I learned to wait for things that inspire me instead of just blowing through a roll of film so I could have something to process in class. Look around you and find the mundane things in life that we often just walk by...find a vantage point that will give you a new perspective of the world.
I love black and white photography! Color has it's place but there are some things better left in black and white because sometimes color can distract us from connecting with an image. For example, a girl in class had a close up photo of a telephone pole with hundreds of nails and tacks. This is something that we would normally walk past and not give a second look. Had it been in color I don't think it would have had the same effect. Anyway...I'm geeking it up pretty bad right now. I'm working on starting another blog for my photo stuff. Once we get into digital in class I'll be able to scan my images and you guys can critique them all you want. You'd be doing me a favor. :) Oh...and I got my first assignment back. I got an A! I got a 100percent on it! YAY!

And for those of you who don't think photography is an art...go try the darkroom instead of photoshop! :) haha

dinner dates...

I have a date tomorrow night with a person who'd name shall remain anonymous. We're going out to dinner and it got me thinking...
I really don't enjoy dinner dates. If anything I'm down for dessert or some fro yo (fro yo deserves it's own category)
Dinner dates are awkward...at least on the first date. You sit across from each other forced to make conversation for about an hour and a half or so. If you're lucky, you and your date really click so the convo comes naturally. But either way...you're sitting across from each other stuffing your faces as you regurgitate random information about yourself, trying to make yourself seem interesting enough to pursue further while still maintaining an attractive facade. Whew....talk about pressure. Have you watched people eat? Have you watched yourself eat? Next time you eat, try putting a mirror in front of you. You'll quickly find that you'll lose your appetite. Not so pretty once you stop and look, huh? Not so pretty once you stop and smell the roses, eh?

I'm sorry if I sound cynical or if I'm promoting poor self esteem. This all dates back to last April. I had a sit-down dinner for my first date with this guy. He said something funny and as I laughed, a grain of rice was expelled from somewhere in my pie hole. Lo and behold it flew across the table and landed next to him. Thankfully, it didn't land in his food. Needless to say...
I.WAS.MORTIFIED!
I'm sure he could sense my embarassment so he didn't say anything even though I knew he saw it. I watched his eyes follow the flying rice across the table. Anywho...I'm going out to dinner with a nice fella tomorrow. I'll make sure to steer clear from the rice.

Until next time...take care of yourself...and each other.

exOH,
Jo

10 Things (cont.)

I still can't think of the last 5 things so I'll just start writing anyway and see what comes to me.

6) Waxing- I actually enjoy it. I know it hurts, but it feels good. It's crazy. The pain only lasts a second. It feels like you got slapped with a ruler...but only for a moment. It must release some adrenaline or something because it's kind of a rush. The feeling is only magnified when you wax yourself. Sometimes I'll wax my arms and the peach fuzz on the back of my hands for the heck of it. Needless to say I also wax soe facial hair. Yeah I said it! Every girl has it. Nothing wrong with that. However I a pleased to say that I no longer need to wax my chin. I've gotten laser hair removal done and it's worked really well. It was more painful that waxing...even with the topical anesthetic. The laser felt like a series of rubber bands constantly hitting you except it wasn't just felt on the surface of the skin. It was felt deep in the dermis. The laser works by sending concentrated amounts of heat and radiation to the hair follicle which kills the follicle. I have polycystic ovary syndrome which messes with my hormones...which is why I'm such a fuzzy girl. I used to be so ashamed of it but I've grown to accept my body the way it is...most of the time. There are so many ways to get rid of excess hair that it's really not a big deal anymore. A lot more people have this problem than we think, but they just take care of it so well that you'd never notice.

Stuff, stuff, and more stuff.

There has been a lot on my mind lately. I guess I'll share some of it.
As some of you already know, I broke my foot at the end of June. (You can look up the blog on that if you really want to know the story. I'm not telling it anymore!) I've been a little less than active since then. I spent some time completely non weight bearing and then in July I got an awesome walking cast. I've gained some weight since this has happened so when I found out that the YMCA offers students a special discount at their facilities, I jumped at the opportunity. It's 25 bucks a month and the start up costs are waived. So all you pay is 25 bucks to start! I knew my education was good for something! I went tonight and I wasn't able to do too much. I lost a lot of muscle mass in my left leg while I was using crutches and even with the walking cast it hasn't fully come back. My leg got really tired but I'll just have to work up to it.

I've also been feeling a little depressed and very anxious lately. I know what the culprit of these emotions is so I'm doing what I can to make myself feel better. It's funny...depression even affects you physically. I was starting to feel tired, head achey, sore. I think it might have to do with not being so active like I used to be. My body needs the endorphines. There are also environmental stressors having to do with family and school but those are things that will work themselves out in time.

With my family...I feel like I don't really have one. My mom told me last week that sometimes she feels useless here and wants to move back to mexico. Then last night my cousin in mexico got sick so my mom just up and left for Hermosillo for who knows how long. I feel like her going there has to do with more than just my cousin having seizures. I think she just saw an opportunity and an excuse to go back "home". It's great. It made me sad to see her go on such a whim and I'm feeling really lonely but I know it's what would make her happy and I couldn't deny her what makes her happy. I just feel like I don't have family. My mom loves me but doesn't seem to want to be around me and my dad chose his other family over me. I've met my brother once in my adult life two years ago. I haven't talked to him since. I've tried. I met my sister in law and my niece once last June. It was an amazing experience and one that I am so grateful for. It's a day that will always stay with me. But lately I've tried calling/emailing her and I've gotten no response. If any of you watch One Tree Hill...I kinda feel like Brooke Davis. She's an only child with parents that have gone off and done their own thing. She feels forgotten and alone. I'm not trying to sound all emo or like a total downer. It just helps me to get things out. I know I have my ward family and amazing friends to help me get through anything. Even better than that, I know I have a Father in Heaven who knows what I'm going through and wants me to see every trial to it's end. I had a good talk with Adriane on Monday night and she reminded me of Section 122 in the Doctine & Covenants. It basically tells us that all our trials are for our own benefit. Jesus Christ had to bear unfathomable pain and affliction...and we're no where near being better than Him so we must expect to experience our own trials. I just had an epiphany....Jesus Christ was perfect...and he had to bear the most pain out of all of us. Funny how that works. I don't always post spiritual things like this but it's really the only thing getting me through everything I've felt lately. At least now I understand why I wasn't supposed to go to Utah. My family needed me. I'm not helping directly but if I had gone my mom wouldn't be able to go and I wouldn't have had the money to send to my cousin so she can afford to see the specialist she needs to see. Well I'll write something more uplifting later. If you read this...thank you. You're a trooper and deserve a medal for sticking it out.

Hugs...
Joycie

10 Things

Thanks to Jonathan's inspirational blog about random facts related to himself I've decided to follow in his footsteps and reveal my quirks. In no particular order...here they go...

1) Making the bed before I go to sleep. I'm usually too busy and in a rush to get out of the house in the morning so I don't make my bed. However, messy beds really bug me when I'm trying to sleep at night. It just feels dirty even if I just washed everything. I like the sheets, blankets, and pillows all nicely positioned and properly tucked where it all should be. I know the bed gets messy during the night but when I get in it, it better be made. So I make the bed every night before I go to sleep. A little backwards, but that's me. So what if I didn't make the bed? What would happen then? I'd probably feel very anxious and have a hard time falling asleep. Then in the morning, I wouldn't feel so well-rested.

2) Tomatoes- I absoloutley detest them! I don't mind tomato products, or having a slice on a burger or sandwich (as long as it isn't one of those big thick honker slices) but as far as having them alone or in a salad...that'll never happen. I've tried force feeding myself cherry tomatoes hoping I could teach myself to get past my hatred of this fruit but I find that the small tomatoes are the ones I abhor the most. They just seem to pop in your mouth and it's quite a repugnant texture if you ask me. Maybe if I bathe the tomatoes in ranch dressing then they could be somewhat tolerable....ranch seems to doctor anything up. But then that would add inches to my already vast waistline that I'm desperately trying to shrink. I'd go for the fat free stuff but it leaves a nasty after-taste and that's the last thing I need with something I already loathe. But yay for ketchup! :)

3) Chewy textures-Here I go talking about food again, but the texture thing mentioned above reminded me that I don't like chewy textures in my food. Candy is okay...gummy candy and laffy taffys all the way....but for this reason I can't eat sushi. I have a difficult time stomaching the tuna especially. The flavor isn't what bothers me. It's the chewyness! Ack! Growing up my mom made this mexican soup called menudo. If you don't know what it is, it has cow stomach in it. It's chewy and yucky. When she makes the soup I pick all the cow innards right out and just eat the hominy. I can't even begin to explain all the textures the little wiggly chunks of meat has on it...

4)Rodentophobia-I doubt this is a clinical term but from the looks of my possibly self-fabricated word, you can figure out what it is. I have this intense fear of all undomesticated, uncaged rodents. They disgust me and I'm having a difficult time writing this without getting chills or knots in my stomach. I get this lump in my throat just thinking about a rat or a mouse. Bunny rabbits are mostly okay because they're cute. However I'll never forget the time I was driving from Utah and I was almost to Vegas. In the distance I saw a cute little rabbit at the road's edge. I was in the right lane and to my left was a semi truck. Suddenly the little rabbit decided to dart out into the road (smart animal). Out of nowhere a red fluid that resembled taco sauce sprayed all over the car. It was kind like when you drive past a sprinkler system and some idiot aims the sprinklers toward the street. As you drive past this sudden fan of water hits your car. Gotta love when they do that right? Anyway, I was driving and slightly confused (I'm a bit of an airhead at times) and I asked my friend "Did that driver just throw taco sauce at us?" to which she replied "No. Those are bunny guts". I tried spraying the windshield and using the wipers but all that did was smear stuff even more. When the horror hit me I started screaming and nearly vomitted. I had to drive with bunny guts on the windshield and the whole front of the car until we stopped at the big fancy Chevron by Buffalo Bills. We used the squeegees to clean the car off. We went through several. It left some scars.

5) Dental hygiene- I also have an obession with dental hygiene. Growing up I never had insurance or saw a dentist so when I was 18 and went for the first time, I had to get a lot of fillings. I never want to go through that again if I can avoid it. I don't think my routine is quite as rigorous as Jonathan's but it's slightly obessive compulsive. I brush my teeth until they're nice and smooth and then I floss. I might brush my teeth lightly one more time after that along with the palate, cheeks and tongue. Then i use my "enamel strengthening" Listerine. Sometimes I'll use a whitening pre-rinse before I brush my teeth or between the floss and final brush. At night I brush my retainer with toothpaste and then I soak it in Listerine for a few minutes before popping it in. Okay I lied...it's intense. When I date someone, if I'm going to be kissing them (which really doesn't happen much haha) I insist that they keep a good dental hygiene routine. Dirty mouths or teeth and stinky breath are extreme turn offs. I had a boyfriend once who hadn't gotten a cleaning in a long time and didn't floss. After a while I refused to kiss him and we ended up breaking up. But seriously...I work hard to have good teeth and I don't want someone's lazy germs messing it up! I think bad breath is contagious to a certain degree so I don't want that crap in my mouth!

Five things is about all I can think of right now. I'll post the rest later as they come to me.