a string of thoughts

So i've hardly posted anything. Oh well. I don't think anyone reads this anyway. I've been writing more in my journal-journal lately. At times it's difficult to find the right words to express my thoughts and feelings, so I resort to my abstract doodling inspired by whatever is playing on my ipod.

As most of my friends know, I'm going to europe in...a week. One week from this moment I'll be barely arriving in Prague. After Prague, it's Parism possibly followed by London. And then last but not least, Barcelona! I'm getting really nervous about this trip because I've never been so far from home, and especially not on my own. Fortunately I'll be staying with friends in Prague and Paris. That eases my nerves up a bit. I've been wanting to go to Europe since I was 14 years old. I almost went in high school after having taken 3 years of german, but then 9.11 happened and my mom backed me out of the trip. I've been left with this intense craving for european culture since then. When I was 13 I kept pen pals from germany just to try to become acquainted with the language and culture in my own way. This really is a dream come true, ot only for me but for my family. I'm the first to venture off and travel on my mom's side of the family. Everyone is kind of shocked that I had the nerve to take off on my own, but then again, it's me. I go against the grain and I make up the rules as I go along when I have to. All I know is that it'll be the first of many trips. I have so many questions in my head about getting around, lots of what ifs...but I know I'll drive myself crazy thinking about it now. I'll just have to figure it out when I get there. I think I'm still in shock. It feels like a dream. Like this isn't really happening. And I'm not sure it'll really sink in, even after I get there.

I was driving to a friend's house tonight and I started thinking a lot about dating and relationship crap. (I do a lot of my thinking while driving.) I realized that right now, the thought of any commitment to anyone would terrify me. Even if I met the guy of my dreams, I don't think I'd be ready for him. I was confused my this feeling I was having, so I pondered it some more until I had the epiphany that I don't trust my own judgment. I'm terrified of feeling the throbbing heartache of love lost. I know true love is out there, I just find myself questioning if it's for me. Finding it required you to let your guard down and be vulerable and this seems like a task too daunting to overcome...at least for now. I might have brick walls around me but they're not necessarily a bad thing. I saw a quote somewhere saying that brick walls are just there to keep out the people who don't want us badly enough. But at the same time you can't chase people away. It's a fine line, as most things in life have those.

Some good news....I took my first academic class after my string of Fs and Ws...and got an A in psychology. It came naturally to me, but that could also be beacause I've lived a lot of the things I studied. Or I learned it vicariously by observing someone else. Life experiences are valuable. It helps you apply what you've learned instead of just seeing it as a theory or some other abstract idea.

I have a busy day at work tomorrow. I better call it a night.

ex-oh

j-bear