L.A./O.C. with Sarah

I haven't been blogging much because i've been busy. Last weekend sarah and I went to L.A. We visited Universal Studios, Hollywood Blvd/Walk of Fame, the hollywood sign, and Rodeo Drive. On the way down to San Diego we hopped on pacific coast highway from Huntington Beach all the way down till it hits the 5 again. We stopped in Newport for some food and watched a GORGEOUS sunset. My friend daniel was kind enough to host us for a night. He's pretty awesome and i miss him a lot already. While we were in Hollywood my friend Chris and his bf Dan met up with us and were kind enough to show us around the town a bit. I love those guys!

Sarah went home this morning. :( I'm going to miss her but I know we will keep in touch. I can't believe I've only known her for about three weeks. It seems like we've known one another so much longer because we totally clicked and spent so much time together. With her around, I've had the opportunity to learn some french. I find that french comes very naturally for me. It might be because I already am fluent in spanish. I understand french a lot better than I can speak it but I'm catching on quickly. Hopefully I'll be good enough at it to get around by the time I go to Paris next summer!

I got some practice in with my photography. My class starts tomorrow! yay! my favorite pic that i took is the one with the tree and the sunset behind it :)

I work hard, and play even harder.

This week has been so busy but it's been loads of fun! It started with the party at Tabbys on saturday. Monday Tabby Nicole Pam and I all went to go see the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2. I absoloutley loved it! Yes, I know it's cheesy! I actually cried at some parts. Their friendship reminds me a lot of the friendship I have with Tabby Bren and Lins. Those three girls are amazing. No matter what's happening or if we're mad at each other (which doesnt happen often) if one of us needs the other, we're so there. Tabby and I have a unique friendship. We can go months without talking but we're always close. Even when life throws us in seperate directions our friendship had always stayed intact. I've been spending a lot of time with her as of late and I love it. It's like old times but better.

Wednesday night I went over to Chris and John's apartment in the gaslamp downtown. That place is amazing. The guys have done an awesome job with the interior decor bu of course it helps that they're both studying architecture. Jeff went over, too which was great. He's been gone a lot so I kinda missed my buddy. Em brought over some of her new decal designs and they were great! I'm ordering some stuff for her to put in my room. I like her style quite a bit. We walked around downtown trying to find a place to eat and we stumbled upon Bucca de Beppos. It was my first time there and the food was absoloutley delicious. Then we went back to the apartment and went up to the rooftop. It gives an interesting view of downtown and all the buildings. I can't wait to post pictures. gah...stinkin router.

Do you want to know why I love Christopher? I decided I love him because he's one of the few guys I can say "I have bad gas." to and he doesn't get grossed out. Instead he'll go get me some anti-gas pills. Ohhh I almost forgot. They sent him 10 copies of the Men on a Mission calendar (he's Mr. October) and he looked GREAT! I actually started blushing. It was awkward hanging out with him and seeing the calendar at first because he looked really good haha. It hits the malls in September so you best be looking for it!

I also love Mr Daniel Noon. He pretty much saved Sarah and I. We were having one heck of a time booking a hotel in Hollywood at a decent price that wasn't a whore house and he offered to let us crash at his apartment in Northridge. I'm so excited to see him! :)

Today I went to lunch with the girls again at Olive Garden. I love the lunch special! :) And I love you. Thanks for reading my insomniatic musings.

Ain't no party like a Tabby party!!!

Last night was crazy fun!!! Tabby had a party to celebrate her mom's birthday AND her puppy-dog Ashley's birthday! Chris even brough a "pupcake" for Ashley and Sam to eat haha. Anyway...what was so amazing was that everyone was there! Everyone as in all the kiddos we basically grew up with through high school...Kerrie, Andrea,Tabby, Nicole, Chris E, Brandon, Stefan, Gary, Shaina, Chris H, Chris F, Brandy, James, Sarah, Angel, Pam, Linn and a ton of other people. There were a few missing. :( I know it's a lot of us and you're probably wondering how such a large group of people can all be best friends...basically we were. It's wasn't impossible. We all had unique and close relationships one another. We've had our drama but more than anything we've had one another's back no matter what. It's the stuff friendship is made of.

We were always so close but after graduation we slowly all went our seperate ways. What is so amazing is that when we all see each other, we pick up where we left off. It's like we never missed a day. There isn't that awkward reacquaintance period at all. My wireless router is being lame so I can't use my computer to upload all the pics right now. However, I'll probably upload a whole bunch once I'm at Sarah's dorm. We're going to Universal Studios this weekend and then spending the next day doing all the touristy crap around L.A. :) It shall be great fun!

I also took Sarah with me ( see previous blog to figure out who that is) and I think she had a great time! She probably thinks americans are nuts but that's okay. It's pretty much an understatement haha.

I made it to the library....here are some pictures from that night. I'm going to go steal some more from tabby and kerries myspace.

Sporatic bursts of thought.

There really isn't any particular topic for my blog today. I'm just going to rattle off whatever I feel like writing about.

As some of you know, I've recently joined the Couch Surfing community. (couchsurfing.com) I'm enjoying it quite a bit because it's a great way to make friends with people all around the world. Tonight was the first time I met a friend from there. Her name is Sarah and she's here from Paris. We met up in front of Ben & Jerry's at Horton and went to get some paninis for dinner. Christopher and John joined us for some chit chat then she and I decided to go drive around. She'll only be here a couple more weeks so I want to make sure she sees as much of San Diego as she can. We went to La Jolla to visit the LDS temple. It was gorgeous as ever! We then drove down to the cove and watched the seals for a little bit. Then we walked around Prospect Street to take in the sights and sounds of the upscale La Jolla nightlife. She is a such a cool girl and I'm so glad I met her. She and I have a lot in common, even in our family situations. When you get to know people around the world you start to see that we're really not all that different. We all have more in common than we think we do, and the similarities outweigh the differences. When I go to Paris, hopefully next summer, I'm definitley going to hang out with her. Fortunately facebook and msn messenger are global so we'll have that to keep in touch as well!

I already registered for classes! I think I mentioned that in a previous blog...but I've also decided to change my major. I've been wrestling between nursing and social work. Nursing offers great job security and a great salary, but it isn't something I feel passionate about. It's something I'd end up doing more for the money. On the other hand, social work would offer me a decent occupational outlook and a salary I could comfortably live on, but the earning potential wouldn't be as high as is I was to go into nursing. After careful consideration and counsel with my mom, I think I'm going to go with social work. I'd rather do something I feel passionate about for the rest of my life, rather than do something I loathe but make a little more money. I wouldn't starve if I was a social worker so I'd still be well off enough. I already work in the social work field and I've applied for promotions within my company. There was only one position available as a supervisor and I was one of the top two candidates. The main reason why the other person had an edge over me was because they had the educational background and a few more year's worth of experience under their belt. Both are things I can acquire myself. Needless to say, even though I didn't get the promotion, it was still a learning experience for me. I'd never done something so bold in my career life. Not only was it a learning experience but it also brought me a sense of confidence and empowerment. I'm going to keep applying for promotions when they're available until the day I get the job. Something's got to give eventually!

I went to Sea World again. I love it there! I am absoloutley fascinated by marine life. I think my next passion after social work would be marine biology. Once my foot is better and I have a little more money saved up I would like to go for my SCUBA certificate. I'd love to combine my passions for photography and marine life and do some underwater photogtaphy. I think one of my favorite animals is the sea turtle. There are so many species of them but I think my two favorites are the green turtle and the leatherback turtle. Sea world has a few turtles. It would be so much fun to just go swimming with them!

Anyway folks, this is all for now. It's past my bedtime and I need to start getting on a more timely sleep schedule so I'm not all out of whack when school starts.

Au revoir!

Fathers

Just a heads up, this blog isn't something I'm writing to pity myself. I hope that someone, somewhere out there can relate to this blog and that through my experiences they can learn something or gain a sense of knowing that they're not alone.

"Ooh, you see that skin?

It's the same she's been standing in

Since the day she saw him walking away

Now she's left cleaning up the mess he made

So fathers, be good to your daughters

Daughters will live like you do

Girls become lovers who turn into mothers

So mothers, be good to your daughters too"

Daughters by John Mayer

I really don't know where to start because my thoughts and emotions are currently running a mile a minute. I've been really confused lately, not knowing exactly what I'm feeling or what I want to do with my emotions. My relationship with my dad has always been unique. I guess I should give you a little background story so you understand the current events that have taken place.

Lets rewind 25 years ago. My mom was waitress and my dad was a regular at the restaurant she worked in. They fell in love. All was blissful except my dad was still married. He told my mother he was in the process of getting a divorce. I was born two years later. My dad still hasn't gotten that divorce. Turns out he was basically cheating on his wife with my mom. Meanwhile he was filling mine and my mom's heads with false hopes and ideas that he would someday come live with us and that we'd be a legitimate family.

Recently my dad said he wanted to "turn a new leaf" and come see me more frequently. Things went well during the month of June. Then all of a sudden in July he disappeared again. Come to find out he took his wife on a little vacation. They flew to Germany to see his wife's daughter and her children. This wouldn't bother me except for the fact that he didn't say he'd be gone for the next few weeks. I was worried that something may have happened to him. He's been back for a little while now and has yet to see or even really call me. Why? Because he brought the family back from Germany with him.

Basicallly I feel like my dad never had the balls to stand up to his wife and tell her that he was going to raise the child he made. Instead he took the easiest way out and told her that he'd never see me or have anything to do with me again and secretly saw me behind her back. He never even bothered to tell his siblings that he had a daughter. Also, he never helped me stay in any contact with my brother or his family. I did that all myself. Two years ago I got up the courage to call my brother. We met and had dinner. That's the last time I saw him... July 17. 2006. Recently my brother's wife and I started talking with one another and I got to meet her and my niece. That was one of the happiest days of my life.

I'm finally coming to realize that I have no control over any of these things that have happened. I can only control myself and my emotions and how i react to things. I'm just having a hard time figuring out what i'm feeling, what to do with it, and what I want out of the situation. There have been many instances where I've told my dad my feelings, how things have affected me, and what I wanted out of our relationship. Obviously it hasn't really done much to benefit our relationship because he still does what he does. He still tells his lies and tries to take the easy way out of things. He still only comes around when it's convenient for him. I feel like if I talk to him again, I'm only wasting my breath. Because of this, I'm feeling like I'm ready to give up on the relationship. It comes to a point where it's not a real relationship because both parts aren't giving equally. I feel like I've been patient with him and put my needs aside to salvage what I could. The attitude I've had toward him has been more like, "Okay this is the time I get to spend with him. It's not fair but I'm going to make the most of it" but now I feel like I'm being pushed to the limit. 23 years ago he had a decision to make. His options were: 1-Leave the wife and raise a child with a new family. 2-Stand up to my wife and let her know I'm raising this child whether she likes it or not. 3-Continue to live a double life with my family and contribute financially to the welfare of this child to satiate my concience.

He chose 3. He chose to be with his family and keep me completely alienated from his real life. I honest to goodness have wondered what was so much better about them....why he picked them over me. Was I not good enough? Did he love them more? I still feel this way sometimes. It puts a hole in my heart constantly as I think about him going on family vacations with them, playing with their kids, laughing with them and overall just having relationships that I have absoloutley no part of. I feel like he's ashamed of me and at times I wonder what I could have done differently to make him want me in his life more.

Now that I'm older I'm realizing that it wasn't me. It's him. He made a mistake and wasn't man enough to own up to it. Whether it was right or wrong, he made his decision. Now that I'm an adult it's time for me to make mine. I've done all I could to be patient, kind and loving toward him. At times I feel like I am a burden to him, as if he doesn't really want to be a part of my life, but the guilt eats away at him so he does just enough to keep his concience at bay.

I'm not giving UP. I'm giving IN. The doors aren't closing. I'm just not going to be there to open them at his beck and call. It's time for me to move on and make my life happen. I've had puzzle pieces scattered around me my whole life. Some of them will never be where they should, but it's up to me to put together what's in my own hands.

Now I realize that it's not me who wasn't good enough. It's them who weren't strong enough to make it on their own. Heavenly Father knew that my mom and I were strong enough to make it on our own all these years and that's why we've had to have all these trials. I know that God sees everything and that He is a God of justice and mercy. We will all be judged by the Lord someday and will hold us accountable for the things we've done in our earthly life. I feel like my ancestors who have passed away already know who I am. I've felt this in the times I've done family history research and found their names. The peace I felt in those moments testified to me that they know me, love me, and appreciate my efforts to take their names to the temple. I know that someday, the truth will be known and that the Lord will compensate us for all that we've lacked. I know that even if my "dad" hasn't been there for me the way a girl needs a father, that I have a Father in heaven who is all I'll ever need and more.