Something...

Something has changed within me. I don't know what it is exactly, where it came from, or how it happened.

I'm happy.

I'm happy being me. I'm happy having the extra curves I've looked at with such disdain for all these years. I'm happy to live life, love people, and be loved. I'm confident enough to speak my mind as tactfully and diplomatically as I know how. I'm okay with wearing my bathing suit to the beach...without the shorts and tshirt that for so many years plagued me with yucky tan lines. aka my mormon tan lines ;) I'm independent enough to take care of myself and not fall to pieces when I'm alone. I love myself enough to no longer make people a priority in my life if to them I am merely an option. Something inside me makes me feel so alive. It craves the thrill of living each day and saying yes to opportunities that come my way, as opposed to shying away from them.

I am by no means taking things to the extreme of "yes man" so don't get all carried away thinking you can throw obnoxious requests my way. :p Although I might be down to throw potato salad from a chandelier with you Janis. :) I still want to lose weight. But my motivation now is not to impress a guy or to fit into a smaller pair of jeans. Those are just things that ice the cake that contains my desire to be a healthier, stronger, more energetic daughter of God. That very same health, strength, and energy are the things which will enable me to live and learn as Heavenly Father's plan intended for us to.

I am not saying that from this day until the last day of my existence I will maintain this level of confidence. Like many things in life, happiness and confidence go through cycles. There are times you are stronger than others. But today I am comfortable in my own skin.


And so should you.

happines has a bitter after-taste.

today is the day i feel the pain,
caused by the storm that poured all this rain,
you've bruised my heart and killed my soul,
my emotions have lost control.
i thought i'd never have to feel this once more,
but your silence spoke the words that tore.
i'm trying to find the will to live.
because never again my heart can i give.
i know somehow the sun will soon rise,
despite the decietful words, your lies.
You painted me picture of a colorful future,
just moments before you ripped out the last suture.
i tried to have faith in you despite being young,
but i guess our ship has sailed, our song has been sung.
i'll try to forget your arms, so warm and secure.
and try to find out how my soul i can cure.
I'll try to forget the way we would kiss.
and the way the your lips felt on mine, like bliss.
i'll try to forget the way you looked into my eyes,
and remember why its love i despise.
i'll try to forget all the sweet words you said,
and then at last i'll get you out of my head.

I ordered my first 50mm lens on adorama.com yesterday! It's due to arrive via UPS tomorrow just in time for my shoot with Miss. Jeni Perez! WOOT! I ordered the cheapest canon lens ever made but it takes great pics. It's not the 50mm 1.2 I salivate over every time I think of, it's the 1.8 and about 1/16th of the price at about 100 bucks. The lens is pretty much disposable haha but for someone who is just starting out and doesn't know exactly what the HECK they're doing the price is just perfect. Plus I dig the super wide aperture of 1.8. My current lens only goes to 3.5 and that drives me up the wall when I'm trying to shoot in low light.

More current news...I've booked about 4 shoots this month. I'm starting to take photography a lot more seriously. It's pretty much all I think about right now. It's not like I have anything else to think about at the moment. No guys. No school. So i figured i might as well try to do productive things with my thoughts and energy. Not to mention, I've has insane episodes of insomnia. Sometimes I'm up all night and it makes it worse if I lay awake in bed all night so I just read up on stuff I'm curious about. Sometimes I stay up and blogstalk the fabulous blogs of Scarlett Lillian, Melissa Koehler, Amy Wenzel, and Jasmine Star. Jasmine and Scarlett are probably two of my favorites because they're so down to earth and not afraid to share their spirituality on their blogs. They keep it real, f'sho. Plus they both have FAQ on their blogs that I find to be very helpful. They know what it's like to be aspiring photographers in the industry and have a boat load of silly questions and no one to ask. I better start saving my pennies so I can take some of their workshops!

Hm what else? I'm probably not going to blog on this blog anymore. I'm going to start a new photography blog and it's basically going to be my all-purpose blog. Not that a blog a lot here anymore anyway.

I went to lunch with my dad at Island's yesterday. So delicious but most of all SO MUCH FUN. I'm such a Daddy's girl. I love to go to lunch with him. He's such a good ball and I've inherited that trait from him. Here's a couple pics from my Blackberry because let's face it...no blog is complete without a picture or two!

This is my favorite picture of my dad EVER! I think it captures his personality with accuracy! :) and yes he's my DAD not my GRANDPA haha.

Goodbye blog friends! <3>

Joycie

P.S. In less that 24 hours I'll be opening that fabulous box with my new photo gear. It'll be like an early christmas!

What isn't on my Christmas list, but that I'd happily take on.

So I've been sitting here thinking quite a bit today. I guess I've just been in a pensive mood. As I was pondering the mysteries of the universe (not really) it dawned on me that we all spend so much time trying to dodge and avoid any kind of pain or discomfort whether it be physical pain or emotional distress. Obviously physical pain is a good thing to avoid. Pain is our body's way of telling us that something isn't right. However, I believe that emotional distress can take on an entire facet of it's own. I think there are some times (and only we know when there times are appropriate) that just sitting through the pain is more beneficial than trying to escape its torturous jaws. Lets break it down for one second. We cannot become numb to pain and sorrow without shutting off the feelings of joy and all that is coated in whipped cream and shimmering flecks of glitter. (Pumpkin pie just isn't the same with out whipped cream. Had to throw that in there.) Sometimes there is absoloutley nothing we can do to avoid those less than desirable feelings that seem to engulf us in sorrow, yet many of us try to run and fight this. I think Heavenly Father honestly wants us to perch ourselves on the banks of "the blahs" at times as we wait for our very own ships of felicity. It's the Lord's way of tempering us the way a blacksmith tempers steel. I suppose in this case, the Lord is the blacksmith, and we are the steel being tempered at His will so that we may be molded into the children of God the Lord knows we can blossom into. All we have to do is work through the biting anguish that seems to hold us all captive at some point in our lives. There is opposition in all things. There's hot and cold. Sweet and bitter. High and low. Calm and catastrophic. Happiness and sorrow. Without hot, how would we know what cold is? Without the bitter, how would we recognize sweet? It works the same way with happiness and sorrow. Without sorrow we wouldn't know what happiness was. We'd have nothing to compare it so and therefore we would take happiness for granted. With that said, I truly believe that the Lord blesses us when we withstand the adversities placed in our path by increasing our capacity to experience true joy. I'm not saying I'm asking for a life of adversity on my Christmas list this year. But what I am saying, is that when life seems to suck, somewhere out there there's a patch of blue in the gray sky. After the storm, the grass becomes greener. And the deeper the sorrow, the higher we can sail in the breezes of bliss. It's up to each and every one of us to make the most of every situation. Sometimes all we need to gather the blessings the Lord is desperate to bestow on us is to thrive in the midst of misfortune. I share this with you from the bottom of my heart.
Much love,
Joycie.

P.S. Don't expect warm notes too often. I'm maxing out my "warm moments" quota for the month haha

untitled

I've found the courage to face the day,
because sometimes problems are here to stay.
No matter what damage the strife will cause,
You must learn to take a moment, and just pause.
Time for you, no time for me.
I never realised how important selfishness could be.
Kill the guilt, have no remorse.
All we do is work like a horse.
we carry these problems like a pack mule going to and fro,
It leaves us no time to learn or to grow.
Control is something that as humans we cannot always hold,
Yet we try to force everything we want,
We try to make it fit our own mold.
The tension we cause with this relentless pushing and shoving,
Could cease if we stopped, and started being more loving.
I know it seems like I'm nosy at times,
I don't mean to constantly pry,
But what else can I do when I see a loved one cry?
I'll lend you my sleeve when there aren't any tissues,
Because I sure as hell know what it's like to have issues.
So if you feel like you're lacking a friend,
Just remember, I know it's cheesy but I'm here until the end.
I can't fix anything in this world,
I can't make everything right,
But for now I can listen and understand you,
Just take it night by night.
In due time most things won't seem to matter,
We'll laugh about our past woes and won't care so much if we're a little fatter.
So for now my dear friends, just open your hands,
Let go of that need to control,
It'll loosen the bands.
You'll feel the air gently fill your lungs as the heaviness is lifted,
I know you can do it, you're my friend, you're gifted.
The blue sky will shine through the darkest gray,
You'll be able to take life on come what may.

stole it from jonathans blog...

What is your current obsession? Photography, travel, psychology, fox's hard candy...can't seem to find it anywhere out of the UK with my luck :( and of course hitting up Sandbar and PB with my friends! :)

What do you hate the most that everybody else seems to love? redbull and vodka hahaha it's my happy drink :)

If you could have any other name besides your own, what would it be? Caprice. If i have a daughter I swear this will be her name!

What's for dinner? We made turkey burgers tonight. And a veggie burger for my vegetarian guest.

What would you eat for your last meal? My MOM's homemade mexican food. Take that Jonathan. I'm sure it beats your taco shops! :) Taco shops are pretty amazing though...esp when they're open 24 hours. (only in CaliFORNIA...note: Not "cali")

What's the last thing you bought? Gas.

What are you listening to right now? Karma Police-Radiohead

What do you think of the person that tagged you? Um no one tagged me but I copied it from jonathan. And he's pretty cool. But we haven't hung out because he's in utah with my favorite girls in the world. Maybe I should go say hi one of these weekends.

If you could have a house, fully paid for, and totally furnished anywhere in the world, where would it be? Bacelona, Spain. Home away from home. I left a piece of my heart there.

What is one of your hobbies? Telling stories by capturing moments with my camera in 1/125th of a second.

What are your favorite smells? daniel after he's had a shower hahaha

What is your favorite color? I don't have a favorite. There are lots of pretty colors.

What is your favorite piece of clothing in your wardrobe? My skanky denim skirt from old navy...the one with the frayed edges.

What is your dream job? wedding/portrait photographer.

Describe your personal style. casual, beachy, laid-back, cute with a touch of sexy in the mix. but sexy in a classy way. not scandalous.

What are you going to do after this? probably go to bed.

What inspires you? Traveling alone. It's amazing. You meet people and see things you'd miss along the way if you were distracted by a group of friends. Those little experience open windows into thoughts and inspiration you can't discover elsewhere. It's AMAZING...words do this feeling no justice.


Who was the last person you kissed? daniel

What are you currently reading? I'm OK-You're OK

What delighted you most today? Sleeping in.

By what criteria do you judge a person? How they carry themselves. and how they treat others.

What is something you’ve always wanted to do but haven’t done yet? I crossed a lot of things off my bucket list this summer...but there's so many more. I really want to backpack in thailand, live and work in europe somewhere, work at a sea turtle or manatee rescue in costa rica, recover from my eating disorder, fall in love, overall just live my life...and embrace each opportunity. the list is endless.

a string of thoughts

So i've hardly posted anything. Oh well. I don't think anyone reads this anyway. I've been writing more in my journal-journal lately. At times it's difficult to find the right words to express my thoughts and feelings, so I resort to my abstract doodling inspired by whatever is playing on my ipod.

As most of my friends know, I'm going to europe in...a week. One week from this moment I'll be barely arriving in Prague. After Prague, it's Parism possibly followed by London. And then last but not least, Barcelona! I'm getting really nervous about this trip because I've never been so far from home, and especially not on my own. Fortunately I'll be staying with friends in Prague and Paris. That eases my nerves up a bit. I've been wanting to go to Europe since I was 14 years old. I almost went in high school after having taken 3 years of german, but then 9.11 happened and my mom backed me out of the trip. I've been left with this intense craving for european culture since then. When I was 13 I kept pen pals from germany just to try to become acquainted with the language and culture in my own way. This really is a dream come true, ot only for me but for my family. I'm the first to venture off and travel on my mom's side of the family. Everyone is kind of shocked that I had the nerve to take off on my own, but then again, it's me. I go against the grain and I make up the rules as I go along when I have to. All I know is that it'll be the first of many trips. I have so many questions in my head about getting around, lots of what ifs...but I know I'll drive myself crazy thinking about it now. I'll just have to figure it out when I get there. I think I'm still in shock. It feels like a dream. Like this isn't really happening. And I'm not sure it'll really sink in, even after I get there.

I was driving to a friend's house tonight and I started thinking a lot about dating and relationship crap. (I do a lot of my thinking while driving.) I realized that right now, the thought of any commitment to anyone would terrify me. Even if I met the guy of my dreams, I don't think I'd be ready for him. I was confused my this feeling I was having, so I pondered it some more until I had the epiphany that I don't trust my own judgment. I'm terrified of feeling the throbbing heartache of love lost. I know true love is out there, I just find myself questioning if it's for me. Finding it required you to let your guard down and be vulerable and this seems like a task too daunting to overcome...at least for now. I might have brick walls around me but they're not necessarily a bad thing. I saw a quote somewhere saying that brick walls are just there to keep out the people who don't want us badly enough. But at the same time you can't chase people away. It's a fine line, as most things in life have those.

Some good news....I took my first academic class after my string of Fs and Ws...and got an A in psychology. It came naturally to me, but that could also be beacause I've lived a lot of the things I studied. Or I learned it vicariously by observing someone else. Life experiences are valuable. It helps you apply what you've learned instead of just seeing it as a theory or some other abstract idea.

I have a busy day at work tomorrow. I better call it a night.

ex-oh

j-bear

6 years

Yesterday was George's 6th anniversary since he passed away.

I still miss him like crazy. I think I miss him the most when the vicissitudes of life start to hit all at once...that's when I could really use his advice and guidance. He was always there for me growing up and always seemed to make sense of things when they weren't going right. And he was there to celebrate and enjoy the moments of peace and tranquility.

I wrote this for him shortly after he passed away. I was with him when he passed and it's something that's marked me, not scarred me for life. It's taught me a lot about life and it's strengthened my testimony that it's not the end. I know we'll see our loved ones again one day through the blessings of the gospel of jesus Christ.

A New Light

by Joyce Kuklis

I just wish your pain would stop,

and death would heal your wounds.

You've lived your life to it's fullest,

and seen hundreds of blue moons.

All my life you were the one,

Who kissed my skinned knees.

Now I wait for the gentle breeze to blow,

For you to whisper to me through the trees.

Every day I look at you,

and see the pain in your eyes.

You dont have to say a single word,

I can feel all your cries.

I hear the struggle in every breath,

when I'm there with you.

It burns a hole right through my heart,

because reality is becoming true.

I know that soon you will be gone,

I see your light is fading.

But a new one is lighting up,

As the other one is cascading.

No goodbyes will be said,

Because I'll see you again someday,

You've just told me to spread your ashes,

By the calm, magestic bay.

No longer will you be at my side,

But you'll be with the others,

Waiting for the day my time will come,

Rejoicing with your brothers.

You cant speak a single word,

But I know that you love me,

So now I have to show my love,

now I have to let you be free.

R.I.P. Lt. Charles G. Donoho 10.31.1913-4.28.03

San Fran fun and pictures!

I think I'm going to start blogging more. Most of the time I think of a million things to write about throughout the day, and then forget half of them. The half that somehow gets encoded in my long term memory is usually too jumbled to know where to begin so I end up not blogging at all haha. I promised my sister-in-law I'd update more so she can stay posted on my life since we don't always make it to the phone when we call. I pretty much love her. I've known her for about a year and she's one of those people that I know will be there for me even if we don't talk every single day. She made my hopes and dreams of someday being a part of my niece's life possible despite our Jerry Springer-esque family dynamics...or dysfunctions...however you want to call it. :)

I'm posting some of my favorite photos from my most recent road trip. I went to San Francisco with Cecily. She needed a road trip buddy as she made her trek to her mission companion's wedding! I'll put up all the "people pictures" first and then the ones that made me feel all artsy fartsy in another post.

random statue at the bart station

people around the Porf of SF

taking a break after biking the bridge. It's not as easy as it looks. I'll explain later.

Cecily super pumped to be back on a bike after her mission! HAHA!
taking a break after going up some crazy hills on the bikes we rented!

on the ferry from sausalito back to the wrong pier :(


chillin on the bart

-OMG I was so tired! Biking up and down hills all day and walking up and down 'em too!!!

Anyway...I'm tired. I'll post more stuff later. I'm done for now!!!

V-Day blog om St. Patties

I haven't been very good at this blogging thing lately. It seems like I always think of a million things to blog about but I never get around to it. Anyway...Valentine's day this year was the best I've had. And I didn't even have a valentine. I started with making v0day cupcakes for my photo class. They were a hit! I decorated them with black hearts and some even had broken hearts. Was my bitterness obvious? Nah. :)

Then on the actual day of valentine's I headed downtown for a couch surfing meeting. This time we all gathered in the little square with the fountain next to Horton Plaza and at the sound of the whistle, we all busted out our concealed pillow weapons and had a massive pillow fight. This may very well be the largest pillow fight in San Diego history. :) You can check out video footage on youtube if you search "san diego pillow fight". The best part had to be when we were kicked off the premises at Horton so we took our festivities to the corner of 5th and Market in the gaslamp to the diagonal crosswalk. When all the lights were red we ran out into the intersection to continue the epic battle of the pillows. The justaposition of the pillow fight with the people dressed up for fancy dinner dates made it all the more humorous. I'm definitley looking forward to it next year. I'll continue to celebrate in this fashion even when I'm in a relationship. Im not really about the valentines day thing anyway. It's just a way for companies to make money between christmas and mother's day. If my man really wants to show me he loves me, he can show me through simple ways year-round. That would mean more to me than one night of a fancy dinner and a movie. Just bust out a pillow and let out your agression folks. We'll probably do it again next year at the same place. I'll keep you all posted!

Photo 2

This semester I enrolled in photo 2. I'm so glad I got the same teacher I had last semester. Andy is a really good instructor. I usually feel extremely self concious about my photography but I actually felt comfortable in critiques last semester. This semester is supposed to be a little more heated so I'm a little worried about that but I'm sure it'll be fine. I know as an artist you're supposed to have a thick skin so you can recieve critique on your work to help foster growth, but I think im still a little sensitive haha. Showing my photography is in some ways like baring my soul. It's like poetry that is written with pictures instead of words. I know it sounds cheesy and so cliche but as time goes on I'm realizing how true this is. I'm finding connections between my work and the things I feel when no one is around.

Last semester was the first time I enrolled in a college class and didn't drop it. I tried many semesters before but I lacked the confidence. It wasn't easy and I was tempted to drop several times last semester, but I kept going and I even got an A in the class. I fell in love with photography so much, it didn't take a whole lot to put a lot of effort into it. This semester I'm in photo 2 and in psychology. Psychology will help me with work a lot. I want to major in social work and do photography as a side thing to make extra income. Realistically, I just had to go with whatever would provide me the most stable income. I wish I had scanned some of my work last semester to show you all but I mounted a lot of my stuff already. :( So I took pictures of some of my work. The quality won't be the greatest considering it's pictures of pictures...but at least I'll finally get to post some of what I've worked on in the darkroom.

On the trolley one, the light was reflecting off the glossy paper so sorry about that. :( This semester I'll remember to scan things. :)

Give and Take

Seldom will two people ever agree on what is "fair". From my experiences I've gathered that fairness is a self-serving concept that has no real court to justify it. For this reason it is vital that people learn to compromise. Compromise is a situation in which both parties agree to sacrifice something so that both can walk away feeling happy and satisfied. We can't always have everything our way, but it's not fair to ask the other person to give without being willing to sacrifice something ourselves. By asking the person to give with nothing in return, they could be sacrificing many things including their emotions and love.

One thing I've learned about myself recently is that I need to stop accepting less than what i deserve. I cannot give to others what I dont have and by this I mean my love, effort, emotions, or any other means of limited supply.

For example, you can choose to love someone, but if they can't love and respect you in return, they're not replenishing what you've given them. After a while you begin to feel drained, used, and resentful.

I dont know if any of this is making sense in the way that I am wording it all. I had about a million epiphanies in my car this morning and I wish I could remember them all in detail the way I said them. I mostly write this for myself so that I don't forget what I've learned. i'll try to blog more. I've been wanting to for some time but with my work schedule and my classes it seems as though my precious blogging time has been reduced to nothing.

Ah something else I realized....
a guy who truly loves you and wants to be with you will walk on glass (figuratively speaking) to be with the woman he loves. He will be willing to commit to you the way you're willing to commit to him, however big or small that commitment might be. He'll be willing to make sacrifices to ensure that you will be with him and no one else. If he can't secure those ties, there's no reason to hang onto a string that isn't attached to anything.
And if your ex says he wants to be friends, and treats you like you're still dating but doesn't want to make the commitment, don't be flattered. All he's trying to do is soften the blow of the feelings he's not ready to deal with on his own yet. yeah, he might love you. He might really miss you. But the only reason he misses you is because he is chosing to live his life without you. If this is the case, then like the book says...he's just not that into you.

There's someone that used to be in my life that i still love very much but one thing I've realized is that at this point in time, I can't fill his needs, and he can't fulfill mine. I can't go on waiting for him to come around, sacrificing my needs, my emotions, my feelings and my love in order to make him happy and fill his every want and need. I can't do this without some kind of commitment or sacrifice on his part because inevitably, i'm going to hurt myself more in the long run. If he's ready to come to me and make those commitments, I know my arms will be open. But until then I think we just have to grow seperately. It's not to say it doesn't hurt, or that I don't miss him. Or that I don't love him. But I need to take care of myself because I can be capable of taking care of others, especially when the person i'm taking care of isn't willing to do the same for me.
No hard feelings. If our paths cross later and we realize that we grew up and can be together again, great. But like daniel said to me...no expectations, no disappointments.

We all want to be loved. We all want to be needed. But much of the time we're better off loving, validating, and reaffirming ourselves of the things we need than we are depending on someone else to do those things for us. With or without him, I am a whole person. I don't need him to make me whole, but I know that he added a lot to me as a person. I'll miss him like hell but for now I have to move on. that's my only job. I have so much going for me. I have a career i am building, an education I'm working diligently at, and a good head on my shoulders. I guess that means that someday I wont be so broken anymore.

critique, growth, and black and white photos.

Tonight I had my second photo critique of the semester. The object of this assignment was to experiment with frame and vantage point. I missed class all last week so I was totally stressing because the only time I had was during lab. Luckily I have an awesome teacher who lets us off the hook a bit when he knows we've been working hard. Anyway...I felt really confident with the work I presented. Last week was rough. I felt like I really sucked and the content of my photos wasn't so great. The motivation and inspiration were running low but I thought..."What the heck...I'm going to balboa and taking some pictures!" I took the lady I work with and she offered to pose as my model! Any of you who have met her know she's adorable! She LOVES to be in front of the camera. Unfortunately I can't scan and post any of the photos until I acquire a photo release from work so the company doesn't get used for violating any privacy policies. But I learned a lot during this shoot. I felt like I grew as a photographer by stepping outside of my comfort zone and photographing strangers. Some of them I went up to and talked to and asked them if I could take a picture...some I just did completely candidly. This helped me gain confidence in street photography.
I also grew because I learned to wait for things that inspire me instead of just blowing through a roll of film so I could have something to process in class. Look around you and find the mundane things in life that we often just walk by...find a vantage point that will give you a new perspective of the world.
I love black and white photography! Color has it's place but there are some things better left in black and white because sometimes color can distract us from connecting with an image. For example, a girl in class had a close up photo of a telephone pole with hundreds of nails and tacks. This is something that we would normally walk past and not give a second look. Had it been in color I don't think it would have had the same effect. Anyway...I'm geeking it up pretty bad right now. I'm working on starting another blog for my photo stuff. Once we get into digital in class I'll be able to scan my images and you guys can critique them all you want. You'd be doing me a favor. :) Oh...and I got my first assignment back. I got an A! I got a 100percent on it! YAY!

And for those of you who don't think photography is an art...go try the darkroom instead of photoshop! :) haha

dinner dates...

I have a date tomorrow night with a person who'd name shall remain anonymous. We're going out to dinner and it got me thinking...
I really don't enjoy dinner dates. If anything I'm down for dessert or some fro yo (fro yo deserves it's own category)
Dinner dates are awkward...at least on the first date. You sit across from each other forced to make conversation for about an hour and a half or so. If you're lucky, you and your date really click so the convo comes naturally. But either way...you're sitting across from each other stuffing your faces as you regurgitate random information about yourself, trying to make yourself seem interesting enough to pursue further while still maintaining an attractive facade. Whew....talk about pressure. Have you watched people eat? Have you watched yourself eat? Next time you eat, try putting a mirror in front of you. You'll quickly find that you'll lose your appetite. Not so pretty once you stop and look, huh? Not so pretty once you stop and smell the roses, eh?

I'm sorry if I sound cynical or if I'm promoting poor self esteem. This all dates back to last April. I had a sit-down dinner for my first date with this guy. He said something funny and as I laughed, a grain of rice was expelled from somewhere in my pie hole. Lo and behold it flew across the table and landed next to him. Thankfully, it didn't land in his food. Needless to say...
I.WAS.MORTIFIED!
I'm sure he could sense my embarassment so he didn't say anything even though I knew he saw it. I watched his eyes follow the flying rice across the table. Anywho...I'm going out to dinner with a nice fella tomorrow. I'll make sure to steer clear from the rice.

Until next time...take care of yourself...and each other.

exOH,
Jo

10 Things (cont.)

I still can't think of the last 5 things so I'll just start writing anyway and see what comes to me.

6) Waxing- I actually enjoy it. I know it hurts, but it feels good. It's crazy. The pain only lasts a second. It feels like you got slapped with a ruler...but only for a moment. It must release some adrenaline or something because it's kind of a rush. The feeling is only magnified when you wax yourself. Sometimes I'll wax my arms and the peach fuzz on the back of my hands for the heck of it. Needless to say I also wax soe facial hair. Yeah I said it! Every girl has it. Nothing wrong with that. However I a pleased to say that I no longer need to wax my chin. I've gotten laser hair removal done and it's worked really well. It was more painful that waxing...even with the topical anesthetic. The laser felt like a series of rubber bands constantly hitting you except it wasn't just felt on the surface of the skin. It was felt deep in the dermis. The laser works by sending concentrated amounts of heat and radiation to the hair follicle which kills the follicle. I have polycystic ovary syndrome which messes with my hormones...which is why I'm such a fuzzy girl. I used to be so ashamed of it but I've grown to accept my body the way it is...most of the time. There are so many ways to get rid of excess hair that it's really not a big deal anymore. A lot more people have this problem than we think, but they just take care of it so well that you'd never notice.

Stuff, stuff, and more stuff.

There has been a lot on my mind lately. I guess I'll share some of it.
As some of you already know, I broke my foot at the end of June. (You can look up the blog on that if you really want to know the story. I'm not telling it anymore!) I've been a little less than active since then. I spent some time completely non weight bearing and then in July I got an awesome walking cast. I've gained some weight since this has happened so when I found out that the YMCA offers students a special discount at their facilities, I jumped at the opportunity. It's 25 bucks a month and the start up costs are waived. So all you pay is 25 bucks to start! I knew my education was good for something! I went tonight and I wasn't able to do too much. I lost a lot of muscle mass in my left leg while I was using crutches and even with the walking cast it hasn't fully come back. My leg got really tired but I'll just have to work up to it.

I've also been feeling a little depressed and very anxious lately. I know what the culprit of these emotions is so I'm doing what I can to make myself feel better. It's funny...depression even affects you physically. I was starting to feel tired, head achey, sore. I think it might have to do with not being so active like I used to be. My body needs the endorphines. There are also environmental stressors having to do with family and school but those are things that will work themselves out in time.

With my family...I feel like I don't really have one. My mom told me last week that sometimes she feels useless here and wants to move back to mexico. Then last night my cousin in mexico got sick so my mom just up and left for Hermosillo for who knows how long. I feel like her going there has to do with more than just my cousin having seizures. I think she just saw an opportunity and an excuse to go back "home". It's great. It made me sad to see her go on such a whim and I'm feeling really lonely but I know it's what would make her happy and I couldn't deny her what makes her happy. I just feel like I don't have family. My mom loves me but doesn't seem to want to be around me and my dad chose his other family over me. I've met my brother once in my adult life two years ago. I haven't talked to him since. I've tried. I met my sister in law and my niece once last June. It was an amazing experience and one that I am so grateful for. It's a day that will always stay with me. But lately I've tried calling/emailing her and I've gotten no response. If any of you watch One Tree Hill...I kinda feel like Brooke Davis. She's an only child with parents that have gone off and done their own thing. She feels forgotten and alone. I'm not trying to sound all emo or like a total downer. It just helps me to get things out. I know I have my ward family and amazing friends to help me get through anything. Even better than that, I know I have a Father in Heaven who knows what I'm going through and wants me to see every trial to it's end. I had a good talk with Adriane on Monday night and she reminded me of Section 122 in the Doctine & Covenants. It basically tells us that all our trials are for our own benefit. Jesus Christ had to bear unfathomable pain and affliction...and we're no where near being better than Him so we must expect to experience our own trials. I just had an epiphany....Jesus Christ was perfect...and he had to bear the most pain out of all of us. Funny how that works. I don't always post spiritual things like this but it's really the only thing getting me through everything I've felt lately. At least now I understand why I wasn't supposed to go to Utah. My family needed me. I'm not helping directly but if I had gone my mom wouldn't be able to go and I wouldn't have had the money to send to my cousin so she can afford to see the specialist she needs to see. Well I'll write something more uplifting later. If you read this...thank you. You're a trooper and deserve a medal for sticking it out.

Hugs...
Joycie

10 Things

Thanks to Jonathan's inspirational blog about random facts related to himself I've decided to follow in his footsteps and reveal my quirks. In no particular order...here they go...

1) Making the bed before I go to sleep. I'm usually too busy and in a rush to get out of the house in the morning so I don't make my bed. However, messy beds really bug me when I'm trying to sleep at night. It just feels dirty even if I just washed everything. I like the sheets, blankets, and pillows all nicely positioned and properly tucked where it all should be. I know the bed gets messy during the night but when I get in it, it better be made. So I make the bed every night before I go to sleep. A little backwards, but that's me. So what if I didn't make the bed? What would happen then? I'd probably feel very anxious and have a hard time falling asleep. Then in the morning, I wouldn't feel so well-rested.

2) Tomatoes- I absoloutley detest them! I don't mind tomato products, or having a slice on a burger or sandwich (as long as it isn't one of those big thick honker slices) but as far as having them alone or in a salad...that'll never happen. I've tried force feeding myself cherry tomatoes hoping I could teach myself to get past my hatred of this fruit but I find that the small tomatoes are the ones I abhor the most. They just seem to pop in your mouth and it's quite a repugnant texture if you ask me. Maybe if I bathe the tomatoes in ranch dressing then they could be somewhat tolerable....ranch seems to doctor anything up. But then that would add inches to my already vast waistline that I'm desperately trying to shrink. I'd go for the fat free stuff but it leaves a nasty after-taste and that's the last thing I need with something I already loathe. But yay for ketchup! :)

3) Chewy textures-Here I go talking about food again, but the texture thing mentioned above reminded me that I don't like chewy textures in my food. Candy is okay...gummy candy and laffy taffys all the way....but for this reason I can't eat sushi. I have a difficult time stomaching the tuna especially. The flavor isn't what bothers me. It's the chewyness! Ack! Growing up my mom made this mexican soup called menudo. If you don't know what it is, it has cow stomach in it. It's chewy and yucky. When she makes the soup I pick all the cow innards right out and just eat the hominy. I can't even begin to explain all the textures the little wiggly chunks of meat has on it...

4)Rodentophobia-I doubt this is a clinical term but from the looks of my possibly self-fabricated word, you can figure out what it is. I have this intense fear of all undomesticated, uncaged rodents. They disgust me and I'm having a difficult time writing this without getting chills or knots in my stomach. I get this lump in my throat just thinking about a rat or a mouse. Bunny rabbits are mostly okay because they're cute. However I'll never forget the time I was driving from Utah and I was almost to Vegas. In the distance I saw a cute little rabbit at the road's edge. I was in the right lane and to my left was a semi truck. Suddenly the little rabbit decided to dart out into the road (smart animal). Out of nowhere a red fluid that resembled taco sauce sprayed all over the car. It was kind like when you drive past a sprinkler system and some idiot aims the sprinklers toward the street. As you drive past this sudden fan of water hits your car. Gotta love when they do that right? Anyway, I was driving and slightly confused (I'm a bit of an airhead at times) and I asked my friend "Did that driver just throw taco sauce at us?" to which she replied "No. Those are bunny guts". I tried spraying the windshield and using the wipers but all that did was smear stuff even more. When the horror hit me I started screaming and nearly vomitted. I had to drive with bunny guts on the windshield and the whole front of the car until we stopped at the big fancy Chevron by Buffalo Bills. We used the squeegees to clean the car off. We went through several. It left some scars.

5) Dental hygiene- I also have an obession with dental hygiene. Growing up I never had insurance or saw a dentist so when I was 18 and went for the first time, I had to get a lot of fillings. I never want to go through that again if I can avoid it. I don't think my routine is quite as rigorous as Jonathan's but it's slightly obessive compulsive. I brush my teeth until they're nice and smooth and then I floss. I might brush my teeth lightly one more time after that along with the palate, cheeks and tongue. Then i use my "enamel strengthening" Listerine. Sometimes I'll use a whitening pre-rinse before I brush my teeth or between the floss and final brush. At night I brush my retainer with toothpaste and then I soak it in Listerine for a few minutes before popping it in. Okay I lied...it's intense. When I date someone, if I'm going to be kissing them (which really doesn't happen much haha) I insist that they keep a good dental hygiene routine. Dirty mouths or teeth and stinky breath are extreme turn offs. I had a boyfriend once who hadn't gotten a cleaning in a long time and didn't floss. After a while I refused to kiss him and we ended up breaking up. But seriously...I work hard to have good teeth and I don't want someone's lazy germs messing it up! I think bad breath is contagious to a certain degree so I don't want that crap in my mouth!

Five things is about all I can think of right now. I'll post the rest later as they come to me.

So many things, so little time.

i have so many things I've been wanting to blog about lately but now very much time to sit down and write about them! I'll probably write several blogs in the next few days because I've been in a bloggish mood.

This blog will probably be yet another blog about dating. It seems as though getting asked out on dates isn't really a problem for me. The problem seems to be that once a guy asks me out, that's it...we never go out. This is the 3rd time it happens and while I'm not heartbroken by it, it really is annoying. It's almost as though the guy said"Ohhh I want to ask her out. Okay she said she'll go out on a date with me but I don't think I really want to go anymore. Maybe I can just not bring it up and maybe she'll forget about it. "

WRONG! I don't forget. I'm just not desperate or clingy so I don't go bringing it up. I think the problem is, it's BOYS who ask me out. I need to find a real man who will keep his word. It's time to find a guy wit h some balls because apparently these other boy's balls haven't dropped yet. Sorry to sound crude but I'm just being raw, real, and uncut. Besides, if you think you're a real man, this shouldn't offend you anyway, right?

And a note to the guys...

If you want to score brownie points with a lady, call them at a decent hour. When you say you're going to call, don't call late at night and make it the last thing on your list for the day. Call at a decent hour so she can feel like maybe she was a priority. I say this because a ball-less boy said he would call me, and called at 1:30am. Then only talked for 10 minutes and said he would call back in 1/2 and hour....he called back at 4am. Annoying. Then the next night he called at 12:30am and only talked for a few minutes before saying he was going to bed. The way I see it, is it you're not interested enough to sacrifice some time to talk to me and get to know me, how am I to expect that you might be willing to sacrifice your time to spend quality time with me. This is especially important in long distance relationships. This is almost as bad as not calling at all. Actually, I think it's on the same level.

I understand you males have lives, too. You work and go to school and try to balance that with other aspects of your lives such as church/callings and family. Sometimes you might not be able to call because of the demands life places on you, but if that's the case, call the girl anyway. Even if just to say "hey I know I said I would call you today but it looks like i'll be very busy. i just didn't want to leave you hanging. Is it okay if I call another time?" This shows considerations and thoughtfulness...qualities which most girls value. If she's a cool girl she'll understand. So that could be of service to you males as well because it'll let you in on another aspect of the ladies' personality.

If you actually go on a date...

Assume that you are paying for the both of you. Don't ask her "Am I paying your ticket?" because she'll probably get the impression that you don't really want to pay for her because if you did, you'd do it without asking. In girl world, when you ask it basically translates to, 'Do I really have to pay for you? I'm being stingy but if you really want me to pay I will. But if I can get out of it, then it's all the better.' And if you ask, most girls won't say "yes. please pay for my ticket." because a girl shouldn't have to do that. More than likely we'll end up paying for ourselves and then vent to our girl friends about the guy who made us pay our way. Even if the girl asked you out...pay anyway. This will really impress her. Doing the opposite is a surefire way NOT to score a 2nd date.

Call the day before D-day!!! Confirm your plans the day before you take her out to make sure you're both still on. If you don't call sometimes we get a little confused and think maybe you forgot. I've had friends to whom this has happened. We don't want to waste our makeup getting all dolled up only to find that you forgot. Nor do we want to wonder if you forgot beacause we haven't heard from you. While you might not lose brownie points for not confirming the day before, chances are you'll score some points by doing so.

I could go on with a list of tips for guys but I'll save them for other blogs. If any of you guys reading have any tips for the girls please don't hesitate to leave comments. I know there are two sides to every story and I'm sure there are things us ladies do that really get under your skin. Maybe I'll compile a list of gripes from my guy friends and post a blog for my lady readers to tune into.

Slacker

I'm a total slacker. I haven't updated this thing for over a month.
My friend Kristyna came from the Czech Republic and stayed at my place for a week. She's a fun girl! We did the usual stuff around San Diego...Balboa Park, the beach, Old Town, La Jolla. We went to the MOPA to check out some photography. I liked the travel photos from India. :) It inspired me to keep shooting more pics! Then then on Saturday the 6th Brenna and I drove Krys up to Long Beach to her next host. We took PCH from Dana Point to Long Beach and stopped in Laguna, Newport and Huntington. We walked down the pier at huntington and watched some of the surfers. It was totally chill and I got some awesome shots of the pier!
I started my photography class at school. I'm doing black and white darkroom photo and it's a lot more challenging than digital. However, I believe if you can be good working with film and the darkroom you can be good at digital and photoshop! I'm seriously considering changing my major to photography. I know, I'm so indecisive. But i feel very passionate about it and I can see myself behind the camera the rest of my life without burning out. I have an awesome instructor. He's very patient, loves to answer questions, and really encourages you. Not to mention he's not very old and he's totally hot! I think most of the girls in class have a thing for him! Funny thing is, he's especially hot when he compliments my work! HAHA! I really feel like I suck working with film in the darkroom at times but I know it's something new and I can't get discouraged.I'm starting to improve in that I don't ask for the teacher to judge my test prints as much. I can look at it and guess which exposure time would be best...and he usually agrees with me...whereas before he had to tell me which one was good. YAY for improvement! :) I checked a tripod out from the school today so I'm eager to set it up and go try some night photography! :) I'm going to ask Christopher and John if I can come to their apartment in downtown since they have roof access. That'll make for some interesting vantage points.
Anyway, I could talk about photography forever so I'll shut up now. I think once we start scanning images and messing around with the digital aspect of photos I'm going to start up a photo blog. :) I want a place where I can post my best and worst work together so I can compare how each improves over time. Anyway I better get going. I have so much more I want to write about but I need to go buy some film and negative sleeves haha.

L.A./O.C. with Sarah

I haven't been blogging much because i've been busy. Last weekend sarah and I went to L.A. We visited Universal Studios, Hollywood Blvd/Walk of Fame, the hollywood sign, and Rodeo Drive. On the way down to San Diego we hopped on pacific coast highway from Huntington Beach all the way down till it hits the 5 again. We stopped in Newport for some food and watched a GORGEOUS sunset. My friend daniel was kind enough to host us for a night. He's pretty awesome and i miss him a lot already. While we were in Hollywood my friend Chris and his bf Dan met up with us and were kind enough to show us around the town a bit. I love those guys!

Sarah went home this morning. :( I'm going to miss her but I know we will keep in touch. I can't believe I've only known her for about three weeks. It seems like we've known one another so much longer because we totally clicked and spent so much time together. With her around, I've had the opportunity to learn some french. I find that french comes very naturally for me. It might be because I already am fluent in spanish. I understand french a lot better than I can speak it but I'm catching on quickly. Hopefully I'll be good enough at it to get around by the time I go to Paris next summer!

I got some practice in with my photography. My class starts tomorrow! yay! my favorite pic that i took is the one with the tree and the sunset behind it :)