Something...

Something has changed within me. I don't know what it is exactly, where it came from, or how it happened.

I'm happy.

I'm happy being me. I'm happy having the extra curves I've looked at with such disdain for all these years. I'm happy to live life, love people, and be loved. I'm confident enough to speak my mind as tactfully and diplomatically as I know how. I'm okay with wearing my bathing suit to the beach...without the shorts and tshirt that for so many years plagued me with yucky tan lines. aka my mormon tan lines ;) I'm independent enough to take care of myself and not fall to pieces when I'm alone. I love myself enough to no longer make people a priority in my life if to them I am merely an option. Something inside me makes me feel so alive. It craves the thrill of living each day and saying yes to opportunities that come my way, as opposed to shying away from them.

I am by no means taking things to the extreme of "yes man" so don't get all carried away thinking you can throw obnoxious requests my way. :p Although I might be down to throw potato salad from a chandelier with you Janis. :) I still want to lose weight. But my motivation now is not to impress a guy or to fit into a smaller pair of jeans. Those are just things that ice the cake that contains my desire to be a healthier, stronger, more energetic daughter of God. That very same health, strength, and energy are the things which will enable me to live and learn as Heavenly Father's plan intended for us to.

I am not saying that from this day until the last day of my existence I will maintain this level of confidence. Like many things in life, happiness and confidence go through cycles. There are times you are stronger than others. But today I am comfortable in my own skin.


And so should you.

happines has a bitter after-taste.

today is the day i feel the pain,
caused by the storm that poured all this rain,
you've bruised my heart and killed my soul,
my emotions have lost control.
i thought i'd never have to feel this once more,
but your silence spoke the words that tore.
i'm trying to find the will to live.
because never again my heart can i give.
i know somehow the sun will soon rise,
despite the decietful words, your lies.
You painted me picture of a colorful future,
just moments before you ripped out the last suture.
i tried to have faith in you despite being young,
but i guess our ship has sailed, our song has been sung.
i'll try to forget your arms, so warm and secure.
and try to find out how my soul i can cure.
I'll try to forget the way we would kiss.
and the way the your lips felt on mine, like bliss.
i'll try to forget the way you looked into my eyes,
and remember why its love i despise.
i'll try to forget all the sweet words you said,
and then at last i'll get you out of my head.

I ordered my first 50mm lens on adorama.com yesterday! It's due to arrive via UPS tomorrow just in time for my shoot with Miss. Jeni Perez! WOOT! I ordered the cheapest canon lens ever made but it takes great pics. It's not the 50mm 1.2 I salivate over every time I think of, it's the 1.8 and about 1/16th of the price at about 100 bucks. The lens is pretty much disposable haha but for someone who is just starting out and doesn't know exactly what the HECK they're doing the price is just perfect. Plus I dig the super wide aperture of 1.8. My current lens only goes to 3.5 and that drives me up the wall when I'm trying to shoot in low light.

More current news...I've booked about 4 shoots this month. I'm starting to take photography a lot more seriously. It's pretty much all I think about right now. It's not like I have anything else to think about at the moment. No guys. No school. So i figured i might as well try to do productive things with my thoughts and energy. Not to mention, I've has insane episodes of insomnia. Sometimes I'm up all night and it makes it worse if I lay awake in bed all night so I just read up on stuff I'm curious about. Sometimes I stay up and blogstalk the fabulous blogs of Scarlett Lillian, Melissa Koehler, Amy Wenzel, and Jasmine Star. Jasmine and Scarlett are probably two of my favorites because they're so down to earth and not afraid to share their spirituality on their blogs. They keep it real, f'sho. Plus they both have FAQ on their blogs that I find to be very helpful. They know what it's like to be aspiring photographers in the industry and have a boat load of silly questions and no one to ask. I better start saving my pennies so I can take some of their workshops!

Hm what else? I'm probably not going to blog on this blog anymore. I'm going to start a new photography blog and it's basically going to be my all-purpose blog. Not that a blog a lot here anymore anyway.

I went to lunch with my dad at Island's yesterday. So delicious but most of all SO MUCH FUN. I'm such a Daddy's girl. I love to go to lunch with him. He's such a good ball and I've inherited that trait from him. Here's a couple pics from my Blackberry because let's face it...no blog is complete without a picture or two!

This is my favorite picture of my dad EVER! I think it captures his personality with accuracy! :) and yes he's my DAD not my GRANDPA haha.

Goodbye blog friends! <3>

Joycie

P.S. In less that 24 hours I'll be opening that fabulous box with my new photo gear. It'll be like an early christmas!

What isn't on my Christmas list, but that I'd happily take on.

So I've been sitting here thinking quite a bit today. I guess I've just been in a pensive mood. As I was pondering the mysteries of the universe (not really) it dawned on me that we all spend so much time trying to dodge and avoid any kind of pain or discomfort whether it be physical pain or emotional distress. Obviously physical pain is a good thing to avoid. Pain is our body's way of telling us that something isn't right. However, I believe that emotional distress can take on an entire facet of it's own. I think there are some times (and only we know when there times are appropriate) that just sitting through the pain is more beneficial than trying to escape its torturous jaws. Lets break it down for one second. We cannot become numb to pain and sorrow without shutting off the feelings of joy and all that is coated in whipped cream and shimmering flecks of glitter. (Pumpkin pie just isn't the same with out whipped cream. Had to throw that in there.) Sometimes there is absoloutley nothing we can do to avoid those less than desirable feelings that seem to engulf us in sorrow, yet many of us try to run and fight this. I think Heavenly Father honestly wants us to perch ourselves on the banks of "the blahs" at times as we wait for our very own ships of felicity. It's the Lord's way of tempering us the way a blacksmith tempers steel. I suppose in this case, the Lord is the blacksmith, and we are the steel being tempered at His will so that we may be molded into the children of God the Lord knows we can blossom into. All we have to do is work through the biting anguish that seems to hold us all captive at some point in our lives. There is opposition in all things. There's hot and cold. Sweet and bitter. High and low. Calm and catastrophic. Happiness and sorrow. Without hot, how would we know what cold is? Without the bitter, how would we recognize sweet? It works the same way with happiness and sorrow. Without sorrow we wouldn't know what happiness was. We'd have nothing to compare it so and therefore we would take happiness for granted. With that said, I truly believe that the Lord blesses us when we withstand the adversities placed in our path by increasing our capacity to experience true joy. I'm not saying I'm asking for a life of adversity on my Christmas list this year. But what I am saying, is that when life seems to suck, somewhere out there there's a patch of blue in the gray sky. After the storm, the grass becomes greener. And the deeper the sorrow, the higher we can sail in the breezes of bliss. It's up to each and every one of us to make the most of every situation. Sometimes all we need to gather the blessings the Lord is desperate to bestow on us is to thrive in the midst of misfortune. I share this with you from the bottom of my heart.
Much love,
Joycie.

P.S. Don't expect warm notes too often. I'm maxing out my "warm moments" quota for the month haha

untitled

I've found the courage to face the day,
because sometimes problems are here to stay.
No matter what damage the strife will cause,
You must learn to take a moment, and just pause.
Time for you, no time for me.
I never realised how important selfishness could be.
Kill the guilt, have no remorse.
All we do is work like a horse.
we carry these problems like a pack mule going to and fro,
It leaves us no time to learn or to grow.
Control is something that as humans we cannot always hold,
Yet we try to force everything we want,
We try to make it fit our own mold.
The tension we cause with this relentless pushing and shoving,
Could cease if we stopped, and started being more loving.
I know it seems like I'm nosy at times,
I don't mean to constantly pry,
But what else can I do when I see a loved one cry?
I'll lend you my sleeve when there aren't any tissues,
Because I sure as hell know what it's like to have issues.
So if you feel like you're lacking a friend,
Just remember, I know it's cheesy but I'm here until the end.
I can't fix anything in this world,
I can't make everything right,
But for now I can listen and understand you,
Just take it night by night.
In due time most things won't seem to matter,
We'll laugh about our past woes and won't care so much if we're a little fatter.
So for now my dear friends, just open your hands,
Let go of that need to control,
It'll loosen the bands.
You'll feel the air gently fill your lungs as the heaviness is lifted,
I know you can do it, you're my friend, you're gifted.
The blue sky will shine through the darkest gray,
You'll be able to take life on come what may.

stole it from jonathans blog...

What is your current obsession? Photography, travel, psychology, fox's hard candy...can't seem to find it anywhere out of the UK with my luck :( and of course hitting up Sandbar and PB with my friends! :)

What do you hate the most that everybody else seems to love? redbull and vodka hahaha it's my happy drink :)

If you could have any other name besides your own, what would it be? Caprice. If i have a daughter I swear this will be her name!

What's for dinner? We made turkey burgers tonight. And a veggie burger for my vegetarian guest.

What would you eat for your last meal? My MOM's homemade mexican food. Take that Jonathan. I'm sure it beats your taco shops! :) Taco shops are pretty amazing though...esp when they're open 24 hours. (only in CaliFORNIA...note: Not "cali")

What's the last thing you bought? Gas.

What are you listening to right now? Karma Police-Radiohead

What do you think of the person that tagged you? Um no one tagged me but I copied it from jonathan. And he's pretty cool. But we haven't hung out because he's in utah with my favorite girls in the world. Maybe I should go say hi one of these weekends.

If you could have a house, fully paid for, and totally furnished anywhere in the world, where would it be? Bacelona, Spain. Home away from home. I left a piece of my heart there.

What is one of your hobbies? Telling stories by capturing moments with my camera in 1/125th of a second.

What are your favorite smells? daniel after he's had a shower hahaha

What is your favorite color? I don't have a favorite. There are lots of pretty colors.

What is your favorite piece of clothing in your wardrobe? My skanky denim skirt from old navy...the one with the frayed edges.

What is your dream job? wedding/portrait photographer.

Describe your personal style. casual, beachy, laid-back, cute with a touch of sexy in the mix. but sexy in a classy way. not scandalous.

What are you going to do after this? probably go to bed.

What inspires you? Traveling alone. It's amazing. You meet people and see things you'd miss along the way if you were distracted by a group of friends. Those little experience open windows into thoughts and inspiration you can't discover elsewhere. It's AMAZING...words do this feeling no justice.


Who was the last person you kissed? daniel

What are you currently reading? I'm OK-You're OK

What delighted you most today? Sleeping in.

By what criteria do you judge a person? How they carry themselves. and how they treat others.

What is something you’ve always wanted to do but haven’t done yet? I crossed a lot of things off my bucket list this summer...but there's so many more. I really want to backpack in thailand, live and work in europe somewhere, work at a sea turtle or manatee rescue in costa rica, recover from my eating disorder, fall in love, overall just live my life...and embrace each opportunity. the list is endless.

a string of thoughts

So i've hardly posted anything. Oh well. I don't think anyone reads this anyway. I've been writing more in my journal-journal lately. At times it's difficult to find the right words to express my thoughts and feelings, so I resort to my abstract doodling inspired by whatever is playing on my ipod.

As most of my friends know, I'm going to europe in...a week. One week from this moment I'll be barely arriving in Prague. After Prague, it's Parism possibly followed by London. And then last but not least, Barcelona! I'm getting really nervous about this trip because I've never been so far from home, and especially not on my own. Fortunately I'll be staying with friends in Prague and Paris. That eases my nerves up a bit. I've been wanting to go to Europe since I was 14 years old. I almost went in high school after having taken 3 years of german, but then 9.11 happened and my mom backed me out of the trip. I've been left with this intense craving for european culture since then. When I was 13 I kept pen pals from germany just to try to become acquainted with the language and culture in my own way. This really is a dream come true, ot only for me but for my family. I'm the first to venture off and travel on my mom's side of the family. Everyone is kind of shocked that I had the nerve to take off on my own, but then again, it's me. I go against the grain and I make up the rules as I go along when I have to. All I know is that it'll be the first of many trips. I have so many questions in my head about getting around, lots of what ifs...but I know I'll drive myself crazy thinking about it now. I'll just have to figure it out when I get there. I think I'm still in shock. It feels like a dream. Like this isn't really happening. And I'm not sure it'll really sink in, even after I get there.

I was driving to a friend's house tonight and I started thinking a lot about dating and relationship crap. (I do a lot of my thinking while driving.) I realized that right now, the thought of any commitment to anyone would terrify me. Even if I met the guy of my dreams, I don't think I'd be ready for him. I was confused my this feeling I was having, so I pondered it some more until I had the epiphany that I don't trust my own judgment. I'm terrified of feeling the throbbing heartache of love lost. I know true love is out there, I just find myself questioning if it's for me. Finding it required you to let your guard down and be vulerable and this seems like a task too daunting to overcome...at least for now. I might have brick walls around me but they're not necessarily a bad thing. I saw a quote somewhere saying that brick walls are just there to keep out the people who don't want us badly enough. But at the same time you can't chase people away. It's a fine line, as most things in life have those.

Some good news....I took my first academic class after my string of Fs and Ws...and got an A in psychology. It came naturally to me, but that could also be beacause I've lived a lot of the things I studied. Or I learned it vicariously by observing someone else. Life experiences are valuable. It helps you apply what you've learned instead of just seeing it as a theory or some other abstract idea.

I have a busy day at work tomorrow. I better call it a night.

ex-oh

j-bear