random useless thoughts

Something...

2010-06-27T05:50:00.000-07:00

Something has changed within me. I don't know what it is exactly, where it came from, or how it happened.

I'm happy.

I'm happy being me. I'm happy having the extra curves I've looked at with such disdain for all these years. I'm happy to live life, love people, and be loved. I'm confident enough to speak my mind as tactfully and diplomatically as I know how. I'm okay with wearing my bathing suit to the beach...without the shorts and tshirt that for so many years plagued me with yucky tan lines. aka my mormon tan lines ;) I'm independent enough to take care of myself and not fall to pieces when I'm alone. I love myself enough to no longer make people a priority in my life if to them I am merely an option. Something inside me makes me feel so alive. It craves the thrill of living each day and saying yes to opportunities that come my way, as opposed to shying away from them.

I am by no means taking things to the extreme of "yes man" so don't get all carried away thinking you can throw obnoxious requests my way. :p Although I might be down to throw potato salad from a chandelier with you Janis. :) I still want to lose weight. But my motivation now is not to impress a guy or to fit into a smaller pair of jeans. Those are just things that ice the cake that contains my desire to be a healthier, stronger, more energetic daughter of God. That very same health, strength, and energy are the things which will enable me to live and learn as Heavenly Father's plan intended for us to.

I am not saying that from this day until the last day of my existence I will maintain this level of confidence. Like many things in life, happiness and confidence go through cycles. There are times you are stronger than others. But today I am comfortable in my own skin.

And so should you.

happines has a bitter after-taste.

2010-05-02T17:33:00.001-07:00

today is the day i feel the pain,
caused by the storm that poured all this rain,
you've bruised my heart and killed my soul,
my emotions have lost control.
i thought i'd never have to feel this once more,
but your silence spoke the words that tore.
i'm trying to find the will to live.
because never again my heart can i give.
i know somehow the sun will soon rise,
despite the decietful words, your lies.
You painted me picture of a colorful future,
just moments before you ripped out the last suture.
i tried to have faith in you despite being young,
but i guess our ship has sailed, our song has been sung.
i'll try to forget your arms, so warm and secure.
and try to find out how my soul i can cure.
I'll try to forget the way we would kiss.
and the way the your lips felt on mine, like bliss.
i'll try to forget the way you looked into my eyes,
and remember why its love i despise.
i'll try to forget all the sweet words you said,
and then at last i'll get you out of my head.

50mm, onion rings, and all things fabulous!

2009-12-03T15:33:00.000-08:00

I ordered my first 50mm lens on adorama.com yesterday! It's due to arrive via UPS tomorrow just in time for my shoot with Miss. Jeni Perez! WOOT! I ordered the cheapest canon lens ever made but it takes great pics. It's not the 50mm 1.2 I salivate over every time I think of, it's the 1.8 and about 1/16th of the price at about 100 bucks. The lens is pretty much disposable haha but for someone who is just starting out and doesn't know exactly what the HECK they're doing the price is just perfect. Plus I dig the super wide aperture of 1.8. My current lens only goes to 3.5 and that drives me up the wall when I'm trying to shoot in low light.

More current news...I've booked about 4 shoots this month. I'm starting to take photography a lot more seriously. It's pretty much all I think about right now. It's not like I have anything else to think about at the moment. No guys. No school. So i figured i might as well try to do productive things with my thoughts and energy. Not to mention, I've has insane episodes of insomnia. Sometimes I'm up all night and it makes it worse if I lay awake in bed all night so I just read up on stuff I'm curious about. Sometimes I stay up and blogstalk the fabulous blogs of Scarlett Lillian, Melissa Koehler, Amy Wenzel, and Jasmine Star. Jasmine and Scarlett are probably two of my favorites because they're so down to earth and not afraid to share their spirituality on their blogs. They keep it real, f'sho. Plus they both have FAQ on their blogs that I find to be very helpful. They know what it's like to be aspiring photographers in the industry and have a boat load of silly questions and no one to ask. I better start saving my pennies so I can take some of their workshops!

Hm what else? I'm probably not going to blog on this blog anymore. I'm going to start a new photography blog and it's basically going to be my all-purpose blog. Not that a blog a lot here anymore anyway.

I went to lunch with my dad at Island's yesterday. So delicious but most of all SO MUCH FUN. I'm such a Daddy's girl. I love to go to lunch with him. He's such a good ball and I've inherited that trait from him. Here's a couple pics from my Blackberry because let's face it...no blog is complete without a picture or two!

This is my favorite picture of my dad EVER! I think it captures his personality with accuracy! :) and yes he's my DAD not my GRANDPA haha.

Goodbye blog friends! <3>

Joycie

P.S. In less that 24 hours I'll be opening that fabulous box with my new photo gear. It'll be like an early christmas!

What isn't on my Christmas list, but that I'd happily take on.

2009-11-24T15:58:00.001-08:00

So I've been sitting here thinking quite a bit today. I guess I've just been in a pensive mood. As I was pondering the mysteries of the universe (not really) it dawned on me that we all spend so much time trying to dodge and avoid any kind of pain or discomfort whether it be physical pain or emotional distress. Obviously physical pain is a good thing to avoid. Pain is our body's way of telling us that something isn't right. However, I believe that emotional distress can take on an entire facet of it's own. I think there are some times (and only we know when there times are appropriate) that just sitting through the pain is more beneficial than trying to escape its torturous jaws. Lets break it down for one second. We cannot become numb to pain and sorrow without shutting off the feelings of joy and all that is coated in whipped cream and shimmering flecks of glitter. (Pumpkin pie just isn't the same with out whipped cream. Had to throw that in there.) Sometimes there is absoloutley nothing we can do to avoid those less than desirable feelings that seem to engulf us in sorrow, yet many of us try to run and fight this. I think Heavenly Father honestly wants us to perch ourselves on the banks of "the blahs" at times as we wait for our very own ships of felicity. It's the Lord's way of tempering us the way a blacksmith tempers steel. I suppose in this case, the Lord is the blacksmith, and we are the steel being tempered at His will so that we may be molded into the children of God the Lord knows we can blossom into. All we have to do is work through the biting anguish that seems to hold us all captive at some point in our lives. There is opposition in all things. There's hot and cold. Sweet and bitter. High and low. Calm and catastrophic. Happiness and sorrow. Without hot, how would we know what cold is? Without the bitter, how would we recognize sweet? It works the same way with happiness and sorrow. Without sorrow we wouldn't know what happiness was. We'd have nothing to compare it so and therefore we would take happiness for granted. With that said, I truly believe that the Lord blesses us when we withstand the adversities placed in our path by increasing our capacity to experience true joy. I'm not saying I'm asking for a life of adversity on my Christmas list this year. But what I am saying, is that when life seems to suck, somewhere out there there's a patch of blue in the gray sky. After the storm, the grass becomes greener. And the deeper the sorrow, the higher we can sail in the breezes of bliss. It's up to each and every one of us to make the most of every situation. Sometimes all we need to gather the blessings the Lord is desperate to bestow on us is to thrive in the midst of misfortune. I share this with you from the bottom of my heart.
Much love,
Joycie.

P.S. Don't expect warm notes too often. I'm maxing out my "warm moments" quota for the month haha

untitled

2009-10-29T19:30:00.000-07:00

I've found the courage to face the day,
because sometimes problems are here to stay.
No matter what damage the strife will cause,
You must learn to take a moment, and just pause.
Time for you, no time for me.
I never realised how important selfishness could be.
Kill the guilt, have no remorse.
All we do is work like a horse.
we carry these problems like a pack mule going to and fro,
It leaves us no time to learn or to grow.
Control is something that as humans we cannot always hold,
Yet we try to force everything we want,
We try to make it fit our own mold.
The tension we cause with this relentless pushing and shoving,
Could cease if we stopped, and started being more loving.
I know it seems like I'm nosy at times,
I don't mean to constantly pry,
But what else can I do when I see a loved one cry?
I'll lend you my sleeve when there aren't any tissues,
Because I sure as hell know what it's like to have issues.
So if you feel like you're lacking a friend,
Just remember, I know it's cheesy but I'm here until the end.
I can't fix anything in this world,
I can't make everything right,
But for now I can listen and understand you,
Just take it night by night.
In due time most things won't seem to matter,
We'll laugh about our past woes and won't care so much if we're a little fatter.
So for now my dear friends, just open your hands,
Let go of that need to control,
It'll loosen the bands.
You'll feel the air gently fill your lungs as the heaviness is lifted,
I know you can do it, you're my friend, you're gifted.
The blue sky will shine through the darkest gray,
You'll be able to take life on come what may.

stole it from jonathans blog...

2009-09-09T02:02:00.000-07:00

What is your current obsession? Photography, travel, psychology, fox's hard candy...can't seem to find it anywhere out of the UK with my luck :( and of course hitting up Sandbar and PB with my friends! :)

What do you hate the most that everybody else seems to love? redbull and vodka hahaha it's my happy drink :)

If you could have any other name besides your own, what would it be? Caprice. If i have a daughter I swear this will be her name!

What's for dinner? We made turkey burgers tonight. And a veggie burger for my vegetarian guest.

What would you eat for your last meal? My MOM's homemade mexican food. Take that Jonathan. I'm sure it beats your taco shops! :) Taco shops are pretty amazing though...esp when they're open 24 hours. (only in CaliFORNIA...note: Not "cali")

What's the last thing you bought? Gas.

What are you listening to right now? Karma Police-Radiohead

What do you think of the person that tagged you? Um no one tagged me but I copied it from jonathan. And he's pretty cool. But we haven't hung out because he's in utah with my favorite girls in the world. Maybe I should go say hi one of these weekends.

If you could have a house, fully paid for, and totally furnished anywhere in the world, where would it be? Bacelona, Spain. Home away from home. I left a piece of my heart there.

What is one of your hobbies? Telling stories by capturing moments with my camera in 1/125th of a second.

What are your favorite smells? daniel after he's had a shower hahaha

What is your favorite color? I don't have a favorite. There are lots of pretty colors.

What is your favorite piece of clothing in your wardrobe? My skanky denim skirt from old navy...the one with the frayed edges.

What is your dream job? wedding/portrait photographer.

Describe your personal style. casual, beachy, laid-back, cute with a touch of sexy in the mix. but sexy in a classy way. not scandalous.

What are you going to do after this? probably go to bed.

What inspires you? Traveling alone. It's amazing. You meet people and see things you'd miss along the way if you were distracted by a group of friends. Those little experience open windows into thoughts and inspiration you can't discover elsewhere. It's AMAZING...words do this feeling no justice.

Who was the last person you kissed? daniel

What are you currently reading? I'm OK-You're OK

What delighted you most today? Sleeping in.

By what criteria do you judge a person? How they carry themselves. and how they treat others.

What is something you’ve always wanted to do but haven’t done yet? I crossed a lot of things off my bucket list this summer...but there's so many more. I really want to backpack in thailand, live and work in europe somewhere, work at a sea turtle or manatee rescue in costa rica, recover from my eating disorder, fall in love, overall just live my life...and embrace each opportunity. the list is endless.

a string of thoughts

2009-06-25T02:19:00.000-07:00

So i've hardly posted anything. Oh well. I don't think anyone reads this anyway. I've been writing more in my journal-journal lately. At times it's difficult to find the right words to express my thoughts and feelings, so I resort to my abstract doodling inspired by whatever is playing on my ipod.

As most of my friends know, I'm going to europe in...a week. One week from this moment I'll be barely arriving in Prague. After Prague, it's Parism possibly followed by London. And then last but not least, Barcelona! I'm getting really nervous about this trip because I've never been so far from home, and especially not on my own. Fortunately I'll be staying with friends in Prague and Paris. That eases my nerves up a bit. I've been wanting to go to Europe since I was 14 years old. I almost went in high school after having taken 3 years of german, but then 9.11 happened and my mom backed me out of the trip. I've been left with this intense craving for european culture since then. When I was 13 I kept pen pals from germany just to try to become acquainted with the language and culture in my own way. This really is a dream come true, ot only for me but for my family. I'm the first to venture off and travel on my mom's side of the family. Everyone is kind of shocked that I had the nerve to take off on my own, but then again, it's me. I go against the grain and I make up the rules as I go along when I have to. All I know is that it'll be the first of many trips. I have so many questions in my head about getting around, lots of what ifs...but I know I'll drive myself crazy thinking about it now. I'll just have to figure it out when I get there. I think I'm still in shock. It feels like a dream. Like this isn't really happening. And I'm not sure it'll really sink in, even after I get there.

I was driving to a friend's house tonight and I started thinking a lot about dating and relationship crap. (I do a lot of my thinking while driving.) I realized that right now, the thought of any commitment to anyone would terrify me. Even if I met the guy of my dreams, I don't think I'd be ready for him. I was confused my this feeling I was having, so I pondered it some more until I had the epiphany that I don't trust my own judgment. I'm terrified of feeling the throbbing heartache of love lost. I know true love is out there, I just find myself questioning if it's for me. Finding it required you to let your guard down and be vulerable and this seems like a task too daunting to overcome...at least for now. I might have brick walls around me but they're not necessarily a bad thing. I saw a quote somewhere saying that brick walls are just there to keep out the people who don't want us badly enough. But at the same time you can't chase people away. It's a fine line, as most things in life have those.

Some good news....I took my first academic class after my string of Fs and Ws...and got an A in psychology. It came naturally to me, but that could also be beacause I've lived a lot of the things I studied. Or I learned it vicariously by observing someone else. Life experiences are valuable. It helps you apply what you've learned instead of just seeing it as a theory or some other abstract idea.

I have a busy day at work tomorrow. I better call it a night.

ex-oh

j-bear

6 years

2009-04-29T13:22:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was George's 6th anniversary since he passed away.

I still miss him like crazy. I think I miss him the most when the vicissitudes of life start to hit all at once...that's when I could really use his advice and guidance. He was always there for me growing up and always seemed to make sense of things when they weren't going right. And he was there to celebrate and enjoy the moments of peace and tranquility.

I wrote this for him shortly after he passed away. I was with him when he passed and it's something that's marked me, not scarred me for life. It's taught me a lot about life and it's strengthened my testimony that it's not the end. I know we'll see our loved ones again one day through the blessings of the gospel of jesus Christ.

A New Light

by Joyce Kuklis

I just wish your pain would stop,

and death would heal your wounds.

You've lived your life to it's fullest,

and seen hundreds of blue moons.

All my life you were the one,

Who kissed my skinned knees.

Now I wait for the gentle breeze to blow,

For you to whisper to me through the trees.

Every day I look at you,

and see the pain in your eyes.

You dont have to say a single word,

I can feel all your cries.

I hear the struggle in every breath,

when I'm there with you.

It burns a hole right through my heart,

because reality is becoming true.

I know that soon you will be gone,

I see your light is fading.

But a new one is lighting up,

As the other one is cascading.

No goodbyes will be said,

Because I'll see you again someday,

You've just told me to spread your ashes,

By the calm, magestic bay.

No longer will you be at my side,

But you'll be with the others,

Waiting for the day my time will come,

Rejoicing with your brothers.

You cant speak a single word,

But I know that you love me,

So now I have to show my love,

now I have to let you be free.

R.I.P. Lt. Charles G. Donoho 10.31.1913-4.28.03

San Fran fun and pictures!

2009-04-21T23:40:00.000-07:00

I think I'm going to start blogging more. Most of the time I think of a million things to write about throughout the day, and then forget half of them. The half that somehow gets encoded in my long term memory is usually too jumbled to know where to begin so I end up not blogging at all haha. I promised my sister-in-law I'd update more so she can stay posted on my life since we don't always make it to the phone when we call. I pretty much love her. I've known her for about a year and she's one of those people that I know will be there for me even if we don't talk every single day. She made my hopes and dreams of someday being a part of my niece's life possible despite our Jerry Springer-esque family dynamics...or dysfunctions...however you want to call it. :)

I'm posting some of my favorite photos from my most recent road trip. I went to San Francisco with Cecily. She needed a road trip buddy as she made her trek to her mission companion's wedding! I'll put up all the "people pictures" first and then the ones that made me feel all artsy fartsy in another post.

random statue at the bart station

people around the Porf of SF

taking a break after biking the bridge. It's not as easy as it looks. I'll explain later.

Cecily super pumped to be back on a bike after her mission! HAHA!
taking a break after going up some crazy hills on the bikes we rented!

on the ferry from sausalito back to the wrong pier :(

chillin on the bart

-OMG I was so tired! Biking up and down hills all day and walking up and down 'em too!!!

Anyway...I'm tired. I'll post more stuff later. I'm done for now!!!

V-Day blog om St. Patties

2009-03-17T17:51:00.000-07:00

I haven't been very good at this blogging thing lately. It seems like I always think of a million things to blog about but I never get around to it. Anyway...Valentine's day this year was the best I've had. And I didn't even have a valentine. I started with making v0day cupcakes for my photo class. They were a hit! I decorated them with black hearts and some even had broken hearts. Was my bitterness obvious? Nah. :)

Then on the actual day of valentine's I headed downtown for a couch surfing meeting. This time we all gathered in the little square with the fountain next to Horton Plaza and at the sound of the whistle, we all busted out our concealed pillow weapons and had a massive pillow fight. This may very well be the largest pillow fight in San Diego history. :) You can check out video footage on youtube if you search "san diego pillow fight". The best part had to be when we were kicked off the premises at Horton so we took our festivities to the corner of 5th and Market in the gaslamp to the diagonal crosswalk. When all the lights were red we ran out into the intersection to continue the epic battle of the pillows. The justaposition of the pillow fight with the people dressed up for fancy dinner dates made it all the more humorous. I'm definitley looking forward to it next year. I'll continue to celebrate in this fashion even when I'm in a relationship. Im not really about the valentines day thing anyway. It's just a way for companies to make money between christmas and mother's day. If my man really wants to show me he loves me, he can show me through simple ways year-round. That would mean more to me than one night of a fancy dinner and a movie. Just bust out a pillow and let out your agression folks. We'll probably do it again next year at the same place. I'll keep you all posted!

Photo 2

2009-02-07T10:55:00.000-08:00

This semester I enrolled in photo 2. I'm so glad I got the same teacher I had last semester. Andy is a really good instructor. I usually feel extremely self concious about my photography but I actually felt comfortable in critiques last semester. This semester is supposed to be a little more heated so I'm a little worried about that but I'm sure it'll be fine. I know as an artist you're supposed to have a thick skin so you can recieve critique on your work to help foster growth, but I think im still a little sensitive haha. Showing my photography is in some ways like baring my soul. It's like poetry that is written with pictures instead of words. I know it sounds cheesy and so cliche but as time goes on I'm realizing how true this is. I'm finding connections between my work and the things I feel when no one is around.

Last semester was the first time I enrolled in a college class and didn't drop it. I tried many semesters before but I lacked the confidence. It wasn't easy and I was tempted to drop several times last semester, but I kept going and I even got an A in the class. I fell in love with photography so much, it didn't take a whole lot to put a lot of effort into it. This semester I'm in photo 2 and in psychology. Psychology will help me with work a lot. I want to major in social work and do photography as a side thing to make extra income. Realistically, I just had to go with whatever would provide me the most stable income. I wish I had scanned some of my work last semester to show you all but I mounted a lot of my stuff already. :( So I took pictures of some of my work. The quality won't be the greatest considering it's pictures of pictures...but at least I'll finally get to post some of what I've worked on in the darkroom.

On the trolley one, the light was reflecting off the glossy paper so sorry about that. :( This semester I'll remember to scan things. :)

Give and Take

2009-02-05T11:07:00.000-08:00

Seldom will two people ever agree on what is "fair". From my experiences I've gathered that fairness is a self-serving concept that has no real court to justify it. For this reason it is vital that people learn to compromise. Compromise is a situation in which both parties agree to sacrifice something so that both can walk away feeling happy and satisfied. We can't always have everything our way, but it's not fair to ask the other person to give without being willing to sacrifice something ourselves. By asking the person to give with nothing in return, they could be sacrificing many things including their emotions and love.

One thing I've learned about myself recently is that I need to stop accepting less than what i deserve. I cannot give to others what I dont have and by this I mean my love, effort, emotions, or any other means of limited supply.

For example, you can choose to love someone, but if they can't love and respect you in return, they're not replenishing what you've given them. After a while you begin to feel drained, used, and resentful.

I dont know if any of this is making sense in the way that I am wording it all. I had about a million epiphanies in my car this morning and I wish I could remember them all in detail the way I said them. I mostly write this for myself so that I don't forget what I've learned. i'll try to blog more. I've been wanting to for some time but with my work schedule and my classes it seems as though my precious blogging time has been reduced to nothing.

Ah something else I realized....
a guy who truly loves you and wants to be with you will walk on glass (figuratively speaking) to be with the woman he loves. He will be willing to commit to you the way you're willing to commit to him, however big or small that commitment might be. He'll be willing to make sacrifices to ensure that you will be with him and no one else. If he can't secure those ties, there's no reason to hang onto a string that isn't attached to anything.
And if your ex says he wants to be friends, and treats you like you're still dating but doesn't want to make the commitment, don't be flattered. All he's trying to do is soften the blow of the feelings he's not ready to deal with on his own yet. yeah, he might love you. He might really miss you. But the only reason he misses you is because he is chosing to live his life without you. If this is the case, then like the book says...he's just not that into you.

There's someone that used to be in my life that i still love very much but one thing I've realized is that at this point in time, I can't fill his needs, and he can't fulfill mine. I can't go on waiting for him to come around, sacrificing my needs, my emotions, my feelings and my love in order to make him happy and fill his every want and need. I can't do this without some kind of commitment or sacrifice on his part because inevitably, i'm going to hurt myself more in the long run. If he's ready to come to me and make those commitments, I know my arms will be open. But until then I think we just have to grow seperately. It's not to say it doesn't hurt, or that I don't miss him. Or that I don't love him. But I need to take care of myself because I can be capable of taking care of others, especially when the person i'm taking care of isn't willing to do the same for me.
No hard feelings. If our paths cross later and we realize that we grew up and can be together again, great. But like daniel said to me...no expectations, no disappointments.

We all want to be loved. We all want to be needed. But much of the time we're better off loving, validating, and reaffirming ourselves of the things we need than we are depending on someone else to do those things for us. With or without him, I am a whole person. I don't need him to make me whole, but I know that he added a lot to me as a person. I'll miss him like hell but for now I have to move on. that's my only job. I have so much going for me. I have a career i am building, an education I'm working diligently at, and a good head on my shoulders. I guess that means that someday I wont be so broken anymore.

critique, growth, and black and white photos.

2008-10-10T01:34:00.000-07:00

Tonight I had my second photo critique of the semester. The object of this assignment was to experiment with frame and vantage point. I missed class all last week so I was totally stressing because the only time I had was during lab. Luckily I have an awesome teacher who lets us off the hook a bit when he knows we've been working hard. Anyway...I felt really confident with the work I presented. Last week was rough. I felt like I really sucked and the content of my photos wasn't so great. The motivation and inspiration were running low but I thought..."What the heck...I'm going to balboa and taking some pictures!" I took the lady I work with and she offered to pose as my model! Any of you who have met her know she's adorable! She LOVES to be in front of the camera. Unfortunately I can't scan and post any of the photos until I acquire a photo release from work so the company doesn't get used for violating any privacy policies. But I learned a lot during this shoot. I felt like I grew as a photographer by stepping outside of my comfort zone and photographing strangers. Some of them I went up to and talked to and asked them if I could take a picture...some I just did completely candidly. This helped me gain confidence in street photography.
I also grew because I learned to wait for things that inspire me instead of just blowing through a roll of film so I could have something to process in class. Look around you and find the mundane things in life that we often just walk by...find a vantage point that will give you a new perspective of the world.
I love black and white photography! Color has it's place but there are some things better left in black and white because sometimes color can distract us from connecting with an image. For example, a girl in class had a close up photo of a telephone pole with hundreds of nails and tacks. This is something that we would normally walk past and not give a second look. Had it been in color I don't think it would have had the same effect. Anyway...I'm geeking it up pretty bad right now. I'm working on starting another blog for my photo stuff. Once we get into digital in class I'll be able to scan my images and you guys can critique them all you want. You'd be doing me a favor. :) Oh...and I got my first assignment back. I got an A! I got a 100percent on it! YAY!

And for those of you who don't think photography is an art...go try the darkroom instead of photoshop! :) haha

dinner dates...

2008-10-04T01:59:00.001-07:00

I have a date tomorrow night with a person who'd name shall remain anonymous. We're going out to dinner and it got me thinking...
I really don't enjoy dinner dates. If anything I'm down for dessert or some fro yo (fro yo deserves it's own category)
Dinner dates are awkward...at least on the first date. You sit across from each other forced to make conversation for about an hour and a half or so. If you're lucky, you and your date really click so the convo comes naturally. But either way...you're sitting across from each other stuffing your faces as you regurgitate random information about yourself, trying to make yourself seem interesting enough to pursue further while still maintaining an attractive facade. Whew....talk about pressure. Have you watched people eat? Have you watched yourself eat? Next time you eat, try putting a mirror in front of you. You'll quickly find that you'll lose your appetite. Not so pretty once you stop and look, huh? Not so pretty once you stop and smell the roses, eh?

I'm sorry if I sound cynical or if I'm promoting poor self esteem. This all dates back to last April. I had a sit-down dinner for my first date with this guy. He said something funny and as I laughed, a grain of rice was expelled from somewhere in my pie hole. Lo and behold it flew across the table and landed next to him. Thankfully, it didn't land in his food. Needless to say...
I.WAS.MORTIFIED!
I'm sure he could sense my embarassment so he didn't say anything even though I knew he saw it. I watched his eyes follow the flying rice across the table. Anywho...I'm going out to dinner with a nice fella tomorrow. I'll make sure to steer clear from the rice.

Until next time...take care of yourself...and each other.

exOH,
Jo

10 Things (cont.)

2008-10-02T13:22:00.001-07:00

I still can't think of the last 5 things so I'll just start writing anyway and see what comes to me.

6) Waxing- I actually enjoy it. I know it hurts, but it feels good. It's crazy. The pain only lasts a second. It feels like you got slapped with a ruler...but only for a moment. It must release some adrenaline or something because it's kind of a rush. The feeling is only magnified when you wax yourself. Sometimes I'll wax my arms and the peach fuzz on the back of my hands for the heck of it. Needless to say I also wax soe facial hair. Yeah I said it! Every girl has it. Nothing wrong with that. However I a pleased to say that I no longer need to wax my chin. I've gotten laser hair removal done and it's worked really well. It was more painful that waxing...even with the topical anesthetic. The laser felt like a series of rubber bands constantly hitting you except it wasn't just felt on the surface of the skin. It was felt deep in the dermis. The laser works by sending concentrated amounts of heat and radiation to the hair follicle which kills the follicle. I have polycystic ovary syndrome which messes with my hormones...which is why I'm such a fuzzy girl. I used to be so ashamed of it but I've grown to accept my body the way it is...most of the time. There are so many ways to get rid of excess hair that it's really not a big deal anymore. A lot more people have this problem than we think, but they just take care of it so well that you'd never notice.

Stuff, stuff, and more stuff.

2008-10-02T02:05:00.000-07:00

There has been a lot on my mind lately. I guess I'll share some of it.
As some of you already know, I broke my foot at the end of June. (You can look up the blog on that if you really want to know the story. I'm not telling it anymore!) I've been a little less than active since then. I spent some time completely non weight bearing and then in July I got an awesome walking cast. I've gained some weight since this has happened so when I found out that the YMCA offers students a special discount at their facilities, I jumped at the opportunity. It's 25 bucks a month and the start up costs are waived. So all you pay is 25 bucks to start! I knew my education was good for something! I went tonight and I wasn't able to do too much. I lost a lot of muscle mass in my left leg while I was using crutches and even with the walking cast it hasn't fully come back. My leg got really tired but I'll just have to work up to it.

I've also been feeling a little depressed and very anxious lately. I know what the culprit of these emotions is so I'm doing what I can to make myself feel better. It's funny...depression even affects you physically. I was starting to feel tired, head achey, sore. I think it might have to do with not being so active like I used to be. My body needs the endorphines. There are also environmental stressors having to do with family and school but those are things that will work themselves out in time.

With my family...I feel like I don't really have one. My mom told me last week that sometimes she feels useless here and wants to move back to mexico. Then last night my cousin in mexico got sick so my mom just up and left for Hermosillo for who knows how long. I feel like her going there has to do with more than just my cousin having seizures. I think she just saw an opportunity and an excuse to go back "home". It's great. It made me sad to see her go on such a whim and I'm feeling really lonely but I know it's what would make her happy and I couldn't deny her what makes her happy. I just feel like I don't have family. My mom loves me but doesn't seem to want to be around me and my dad chose his other family over me. I've met my brother once in my adult life two years ago. I haven't talked to him since. I've tried. I met my sister in law and my niece once last June. It was an amazing experience and one that I am so grateful for. It's a day that will always stay with me. But lately I've tried calling/emailing her and I've gotten no response. If any of you watch One Tree Hill...I kinda feel like Brooke Davis. She's an only child with parents that have gone off and done their own thing. She feels forgotten and alone. I'm not trying to sound all emo or like a total downer. It just helps me to get things out. I know I have my ward family and amazing friends to help me get through anything. Even better than that, I know I have a Father in Heaven who knows what I'm going through and wants me to see every trial to it's end. I had a good talk with Adriane on Monday night and she reminded me of Section 122 in the Doctine & Covenants. It basically tells us that all our trials are for our own benefit. Jesus Christ had to bear unfathomable pain and affliction...and we're no where near being better than Him so we must expect to experience our own trials. I just had an epiphany....Jesus Christ was perfect...and he had to bear the most pain out of all of us. Funny how that works. I don't always post spiritual things like this but it's really the only thing getting me through everything I've felt lately. At least now I understand why I wasn't supposed to go to Utah. My family needed me. I'm not helping directly but if I had gone my mom wouldn't be able to go and I wouldn't have had the money to send to my cousin so she can afford to see the specialist she needs to see. Well I'll write something more uplifting later. If you read this...thank you. You're a trooper and deserve a medal for sticking it out.

Hugs...
Joycie

10 Things

2008-09-27T00:34:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Jonathan's inspirational blog about random facts related to himself I've decided to follow in his footsteps and reveal my quirks. In no particular order...here they go...

1) Making the bed before I go to sleep. I'm usually too busy and in a rush to get out of the house in the morning so I don't make my bed. However, messy beds really bug me when I'm trying to sleep at night. It just feels dirty even if I just washed everything. I like the sheets, blankets, and pillows all nicely positioned and properly tucked where it all should be. I know the bed gets messy during the night but when I get in it, it better be made. So I make the bed every night before I go to sleep. A little backwards, but that's me. So what if I didn't make the bed? What would happen then? I'd probably feel very anxious and have a hard time falling asleep. Then in the morning, I wouldn't feel so well-rested.

2) Tomatoes- I absoloutley detest them! I don't mind tomato products, or having a slice on a burger or sandwich (as long as it isn't one of those big thick honker slices) but as far as having them alone or in a salad...that'll never happen. I've tried force feeding myself cherry tomatoes hoping I could teach myself to get past my hatred of this fruit but I find that the small tomatoes are the ones I abhor the most. They just seem to pop in your mouth and it's quite a repugnant texture if you ask me. Maybe if I bathe the tomatoes in ranch dressing then they could be somewhat tolerable....ranch seems to doctor anything up. But then that would add inches to my already vast waistline that I'm desperately trying to shrink. I'd go for the fat free stuff but it leaves a nasty after-taste and that's the last thing I need with something I already loathe. But yay for ketchup! :)

3) Chewy textures-Here I go talking about food again, but the texture thing mentioned above reminded me that I don't like chewy textures in my food. Candy is okay...gummy candy and laffy taffys all the way....but for this reason I can't eat sushi. I have a difficult time stomaching the tuna especially. The flavor isn't what bothers me. It's the chewyness! Ack! Growing up my mom made this mexican soup called menudo. If you don't know what it is, it has cow stomach in it. It's chewy and yucky. When she makes the soup I pick all the cow innards right out and just eat the hominy. I can't even begin to explain all the textures the little wiggly chunks of meat has on it...

4)Rodentophobia-I doubt this is a clinical term but from the looks of my possibly self-fabricated word, you can figure out what it is. I have this intense fear of all undomesticated, uncaged rodents. They disgust me and I'm having a difficult time writing this without getting chills or knots in my stomach. I get this lump in my throat just thinking about a rat or a mouse. Bunny rabbits are mostly okay because they're cute. However I'll never forget the time I was driving from Utah and I was almost to Vegas. In the distance I saw a cute little rabbit at the road's edge. I was in the right lane and to my left was a semi truck. Suddenly the little rabbit decided to dart out into the road (smart animal). Out of nowhere a red fluid that resembled taco sauce sprayed all over the car. It was kind like when you drive past a sprinkler system and some idiot aims the sprinklers toward the street. As you drive past this sudden fan of water hits your car. Gotta love when they do that right? Anyway, I was driving and slightly confused (I'm a bit of an airhead at times) and I asked my friend "Did that driver just throw taco sauce at us?" to which she replied "No. Those are bunny guts". I tried spraying the windshield and using the wipers but all that did was smear stuff even more. When the horror hit me I started screaming and nearly vomitted. I had to drive with bunny guts on the windshield and the whole front of the car until we stopped at the big fancy Chevron by Buffalo Bills. We used the squeegees to clean the car off. We went through several. It left some scars.

5) Dental hygiene- I also have an obession with dental hygiene. Growing up I never had insurance or saw a dentist so when I was 18 and went for the first time, I had to get a lot of fillings. I never want to go through that again if I can avoid it. I don't think my routine is quite as rigorous as Jonathan's but it's slightly obessive compulsive. I brush my teeth until they're nice and smooth and then I floss. I might brush my teeth lightly one more time after that along with the palate, cheeks and tongue. Then i use my "enamel strengthening" Listerine. Sometimes I'll use a whitening pre-rinse before I brush my teeth or between the floss and final brush. At night I brush my retainer with toothpaste and then I soak it in Listerine for a few minutes before popping it in. Okay I lied...it's intense. When I date someone, if I'm going to be kissing them (which really doesn't happen much haha) I insist that they keep a good dental hygiene routine. Dirty mouths or teeth and stinky breath are extreme turn offs. I had a boyfriend once who hadn't gotten a cleaning in a long time and didn't floss. After a while I refused to kiss him and we ended up breaking up. But seriously...I work hard to have good teeth and I don't want someone's lazy germs messing it up! I think bad breath is contagious to a certain degree so I don't want that crap in my mouth!

Five things is about all I can think of right now. I'll post the rest later as they come to me.

So many things, so little time.

2008-09-24T13:00:00.000-07:00

i have so many things I've been wanting to blog about lately but now very much time to sit down and write about them! I'll probably write several blogs in the next few days because I've been in a bloggish mood.

This blog will probably be yet another blog about dating. It seems as though getting asked out on dates isn't really a problem for me. The problem seems to be that once a guy asks me out, that's it...we never go out. This is the 3rd time it happens and while I'm not heartbroken by it, it really is annoying. It's almost as though the guy said"Ohhh I want to ask her out. Okay she said she'll go out on a date with me but I don't think I really want to go anymore. Maybe I can just not bring it up and maybe she'll forget about it. "

WRONG! I don't forget. I'm just not desperate or clingy so I don't go bringing it up. I think the problem is, it's BOYS who ask me out. I need to find a real man who will keep his word. It's time to find a guy wit h some balls because apparently these other boy's balls haven't dropped yet. Sorry to sound crude but I'm just being raw, real, and uncut. Besides, if you think you're a real man, this shouldn't offend you anyway, right?

And a note to the guys...

If you want to score brownie points with a lady, call them at a decent hour. When you say you're going to call, don't call late at night and make it the last thing on your list for the day. Call at a decent hour so she can feel like maybe she was a priority. I say this because a ball-less boy said he would call me, and called at 1:30am. Then only talked for 10 minutes and said he would call back in 1/2 and hour....he called back at 4am. Annoying. Then the next night he called at 12:30am and only talked for a few minutes before saying he was going to bed. The way I see it, is it you're not interested enough to sacrifice some time to talk to me and get to know me, how am I to expect that you might be willing to sacrifice your time to spend quality time with me. This is especially important in long distance relationships. This is almost as bad as not calling at all. Actually, I think it's on the same level.

I understand you males have lives, too. You work and go to school and try to balance that with other aspects of your lives such as church/callings and family. Sometimes you might not be able to call because of the demands life places on you, but if that's the case, call the girl anyway. Even if just to say "hey I know I said I would call you today but it looks like i'll be very busy. i just didn't want to leave you hanging. Is it okay if I call another time?" This shows considerations and thoughtfulness...qualities which most girls value. If she's a cool girl she'll understand. So that could be of service to you males as well because it'll let you in on another aspect of the ladies' personality.

If you actually go on a date...

Assume that you are paying for the both of you. Don't ask her "Am I paying your ticket?" because she'll probably get the impression that you don't really want to pay for her because if you did, you'd do it without asking. In girl world, when you ask it basically translates to, 'Do I really have to pay for you? I'm being stingy but if you really want me to pay I will. But if I can get out of it, then it's all the better.' And if you ask, most girls won't say "yes. please pay for my ticket." because a girl shouldn't have to do that. More than likely we'll end up paying for ourselves and then vent to our girl friends about the guy who made us pay our way. Even if the girl asked you out...pay anyway. This will really impress her. Doing the opposite is a surefire way NOT to score a 2nd date.

Call the day before D-day!!! Confirm your plans the day before you take her out to make sure you're both still on. If you don't call sometimes we get a little confused and think maybe you forgot. I've had friends to whom this has happened. We don't want to waste our makeup getting all dolled up only to find that you forgot. Nor do we want to wonder if you forgot beacause we haven't heard from you. While you might not lose brownie points for not confirming the day before, chances are you'll score some points by doing so.

I could go on with a list of tips for guys but I'll save them for other blogs. If any of you guys reading have any tips for the girls please don't hesitate to leave comments. I know there are two sides to every story and I'm sure there are things us ladies do that really get under your skin. Maybe I'll compile a list of gripes from my guy friends and post a blog for my lady readers to tune into.

Slacker

2008-09-20T16:59:00.000-07:00

I'm a total slacker. I haven't updated this thing for over a month.
My friend Kristyna came from the Czech Republic and stayed at my place for a week. She's a fun girl! We did the usual stuff around San Diego...Balboa Park, the beach, Old Town, La Jolla. We went to the MOPA to check out some photography. I liked the travel photos from India. :) It inspired me to keep shooting more pics! Then then on Saturday the 6th Brenna and I drove Krys up to Long Beach to her next host. We took PCH from Dana Point to Long Beach and stopped in Laguna, Newport and Huntington. We walked down the pier at huntington and watched some of the surfers. It was totally chill and I got some awesome shots of the pier!
I started my photography class at school. I'm doing black and white darkroom photo and it's a lot more challenging than digital. However, I believe if you can be good working with film and the darkroom you can be good at digital and photoshop! I'm seriously considering changing my major to photography. I know, I'm so indecisive. But i feel very passionate about it and I can see myself behind the camera the rest of my life without burning out. I have an awesome instructor. He's very patient, loves to answer questions, and really encourages you. Not to mention he's not very old and he's totally hot! I think most of the girls in class have a thing for him! Funny thing is, he's especially hot when he compliments my work! HAHA! I really feel like I suck working with film in the darkroom at times but I know it's something new and I can't get discouraged.I'm starting to improve in that I don't ask for the teacher to judge my test prints as much. I can look at it and guess which exposure time would be best...and he usually agrees with me...whereas before he had to tell me which one was good. YAY for improvement! :) I checked a tripod out from the school today so I'm eager to set it up and go try some night photography! :) I'm going to ask Christopher and John if I can come to their apartment in downtown since they have roof access. That'll make for some interesting vantage points.
Anyway, I could talk about photography forever so I'll shut up now. I think once we start scanning images and messing around with the digital aspect of photos I'm going to start up a photo blog. :) I want a place where I can post my best and worst work together so I can compare how each improves over time. Anyway I better get going. I have so much more I want to write about but I need to go buy some film and negative sleeves haha.

L.A./O.C. with Sarah

2008-08-25T01:06:00.000-07:00

I haven't been blogging much because i've been busy. Last weekend sarah and I went to L.A. We visited Universal Studios, Hollywood Blvd/Walk of Fame, the hollywood sign, and Rodeo Drive. On the way down to San Diego we hopped on pacific coast highway from Huntington Beach all the way down till it hits the 5 again. We stopped in Newport for some food and watched a GORGEOUS sunset. My friend daniel was kind enough to host us for a night. He's pretty awesome and i miss him a lot already. While we were in Hollywood my friend Chris and his bf Dan met up with us and were kind enough to show us around the town a bit. I love those guys!

Sarah went home this morning. :( I'm going to miss her but I know we will keep in touch. I can't believe I've only known her for about three weeks. It seems like we've known one another so much longer because we totally clicked and spent so much time together. With her around, I've had the opportunity to learn some french. I find that french comes very naturally for me. It might be because I already am fluent in spanish. I understand french a lot better than I can speak it but I'm catching on quickly. Hopefully I'll be good enough at it to get around by the time I go to Paris next summer!

I got some practice in with my photography. My class starts tomorrow! yay! my favorite pic that i took is the one with the tree and the sunset behind it :)

I work hard, and play even harder.

2008-08-15T01:50:00.000-07:00

This week has been so busy but it's been loads of fun! It started with the party at Tabbys on saturday. Monday Tabby Nicole Pam and I all went to go see the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2. I absoloutley loved it! Yes, I know it's cheesy! I actually cried at some parts. Their friendship reminds me a lot of the friendship I have with Tabby Bren and Lins. Those three girls are amazing. No matter what's happening or if we're mad at each other (which doesnt happen often) if one of us needs the other, we're so there. Tabby and I have a unique friendship. We can go months without talking but we're always close. Even when life throws us in seperate directions our friendship had always stayed intact. I've been spending a lot of time with her as of late and I love it. It's like old times but better.

Wednesday night I went over to Chris and John's apartment in the gaslamp downtown. That place is amazing. The guys have done an awesome job with the interior decor bu of course it helps that they're both studying architecture. Jeff went over, too which was great. He's been gone a lot so I kinda missed my buddy. Em brought over some of her new decal designs and they were great! I'm ordering some stuff for her to put in my room. I like her style quite a bit. We walked around downtown trying to find a place to eat and we stumbled upon Bucca de Beppos. It was my first time there and the food was absoloutley delicious. Then we went back to the apartment and went up to the rooftop. It gives an interesting view of downtown and all the buildings. I can't wait to post pictures. gah...stinkin router.

Do you want to know why I love Christopher? I decided I love him because he's one of the few guys I can say "I have bad gas." to and he doesn't get grossed out. Instead he'll go get me some anti-gas pills. Ohhh I almost forgot. They sent him 10 copies of the Men on a Mission calendar (he's Mr. October) and he looked GREAT! I actually started blushing. It was awkward hanging out with him and seeing the calendar at first because he looked really good haha. It hits the malls in September so you best be looking for it!

I also love Mr Daniel Noon. He pretty much saved Sarah and I. We were having one heck of a time booking a hotel in Hollywood at a decent price that wasn't a whore house and he offered to let us crash at his apartment in Northridge. I'm so excited to see him! :)

Today I went to lunch with the girls again at Olive Garden. I love the lunch special! :) And I love you. Thanks for reading my insomniatic musings.

Ain't no party like a Tabby party!!!

2008-08-11T01:35:00.000-07:00

Last night was crazy fun!!! Tabby had a party to celebrate her mom's birthday AND her puppy-dog Ashley's birthday! Chris even brough a "pupcake" for Ashley and Sam to eat haha. Anyway...what was so amazing was that everyone was there! Everyone as in all the kiddos we basically grew up with through high school...Kerrie, Andrea,Tabby, Nicole, Chris E, Brandon, Stefan, Gary, Shaina, Chris H, Chris F, Brandy, James, Sarah, Angel, Pam, Linn and a ton of other people. There were a few missing. :( I know it's a lot of us and you're probably wondering how such a large group of people can all be best friends...basically we were. It's wasn't impossible. We all had unique and close relationships one another. We've had our drama but more than anything we've had one another's back no matter what. It's the stuff friendship is made of.

We were always so close but after graduation we slowly all went our seperate ways. What is so amazing is that when we all see each other, we pick up where we left off. It's like we never missed a day. There isn't that awkward reacquaintance period at all. My wireless router is being lame so I can't use my computer to upload all the pics right now. However, I'll probably upload a whole bunch once I'm at Sarah's dorm. We're going to Universal Studios this weekend and then spending the next day doing all the touristy crap around L.A. :) It shall be great fun!

I also took Sarah with me ( see previous blog to figure out who that is) and I think she had a great time! She probably thinks americans are nuts but that's okay. It's pretty much an understatement haha.

I made it to the library....here are some pictures from that night. I'm going to go steal some more from tabby and kerries myspace.

Sporatic bursts of thought.

2008-08-07T01:36:00.000-07:00

There really isn't any particular topic for my blog today. I'm just going to rattle off whatever I feel like writing about.

As some of you know, I've recently joined the Couch Surfing community. (couchsurfing.com) I'm enjoying it quite a bit because it's a great way to make friends with people all around the world. Tonight was the first time I met a friend from there. Her name is Sarah and she's here from Paris. We met up in front of Ben & Jerry's at Horton and went to get some paninis for dinner. Christopher and John joined us for some chit chat then she and I decided to go drive around. She'll only be here a couple more weeks so I want to make sure she sees as much of San Diego as she can. We went to La Jolla to visit the LDS temple. It was gorgeous as ever! We then drove down to the cove and watched the seals for a little bit. Then we walked around Prospect Street to take in the sights and sounds of the upscale La Jolla nightlife. She is a such a cool girl and I'm so glad I met her. She and I have a lot in common, even in our family situations. When you get to know people around the world you start to see that we're really not all that different. We all have more in common than we think we do, and the similarities outweigh the differences. When I go to Paris, hopefully next summer, I'm definitley going to hang out with her. Fortunately facebook and msn messenger are global so we'll have that to keep in touch as well!

I already registered for classes! I think I mentioned that in a previous blog...but I've also decided to change my major. I've been wrestling between nursing and social work. Nursing offers great job security and a great salary, but it isn't something I feel passionate about. It's something I'd end up doing more for the money. On the other hand, social work would offer me a decent occupational outlook and a salary I could comfortably live on, but the earning potential wouldn't be as high as is I was to go into nursing. After careful consideration and counsel with my mom, I think I'm going to go with social work. I'd rather do something I feel passionate about for the rest of my life, rather than do something I loathe but make a little more money. I wouldn't starve if I was a social worker so I'd still be well off enough. I already work in the social work field and I've applied for promotions within my company. There was only one position available as a supervisor and I was one of the top two candidates. The main reason why the other person had an edge over me was because they had the educational background and a few more year's worth of experience under their belt. Both are things I can acquire myself. Needless to say, even though I didn't get the promotion, it was still a learning experience for me. I'd never done something so bold in my career life. Not only was it a learning experience but it also brought me a sense of confidence and empowerment. I'm going to keep applying for promotions when they're available until the day I get the job. Something's got to give eventually!

I went to Sea World again. I love it there! I am absoloutley fascinated by marine life. I think my next passion after social work would be marine biology. Once my foot is better and I have a little more money saved up I would like to go for my SCUBA certificate. I'd love to combine my passions for photography and marine life and do some underwater photogtaphy. I think one of my favorite animals is the sea turtle. There are so many species of them but I think my two favorites are the green turtle and the leatherback turtle. Sea world has a few turtles. It would be so much fun to just go swimming with them!

Anyway folks, this is all for now. It's past my bedtime and I need to start getting on a more timely sleep schedule so I'm not all out of whack when school starts.

Au revoir!

Fathers

2008-08-05T02:34:00.000-07:00

Just a heads up, this blog isn't something I'm writing to pity myself. I hope that someone, somewhere out there can relate to this blog and that through my experiences they can learn something or gain a sense of knowing that they're not alone.

"Ooh, you see that skin?

It's the same she's been standing in

Since the day she saw him walking away

Now she's left cleaning up the mess he made

So fathers, be good to your daughters

Daughters will live like you do

Girls become lovers who turn into mothers

So mothers, be good to your daughters too"

Daughters by John Mayer

I really don't know where to start because my thoughts and emotions are currently running a mile a minute. I've been really confused lately, not knowing exactly what I'm feeling or what I want to do with my emotions. My relationship with my dad has always been unique. I guess I should give you a little background story so you understand the current events that have taken place.

Lets rewind 25 years ago. My mom was waitress and my dad was a regular at the restaurant she worked in. They fell in love. All was blissful except my dad was still married. He told my mother he was in the process of getting a divorce. I was born two years later. My dad still hasn't gotten that divorce. Turns out he was basically cheating on his wife with my mom. Meanwhile he was filling mine and my mom's heads with false hopes and ideas that he would someday come live with us and that we'd be a legitimate family.

Recently my dad said he wanted to "turn a new leaf" and come see me more frequently. Things went well during the month of June. Then all of a sudden in July he disappeared again. Come to find out he took his wife on a little vacation. They flew to Germany to see his wife's daughter and her children. This wouldn't bother me except for the fact that he didn't say he'd be gone for the next few weeks. I was worried that something may have happened to him. He's been back for a little while now and has yet to see or even really call me. Why? Because he brought the family back from Germany with him.

Basicallly I feel like my dad never had the balls to stand up to his wife and tell her that he was going to raise the child he made. Instead he took the easiest way out and told her that he'd never see me or have anything to do with me again and secretly saw me behind her back. He never even bothered to tell his siblings that he had a daughter. Also, he never helped me stay in any contact with my brother or his family. I did that all myself. Two years ago I got up the courage to call my brother. We met and had dinner. That's the last time I saw him... July 17. 2006. Recently my brother's wife and I started talking with one another and I got to meet her and my niece. That was one of the happiest days of my life.

I'm finally coming to realize that I have no control over any of these things that have happened. I can only control myself and my emotions and how i react to things. I'm just having a hard time figuring out what i'm feeling, what to do with it, and what I want out of the situation. There have been many instances where I've told my dad my feelings, how things have affected me, and what I wanted out of our relationship. Obviously it hasn't really done much to benefit our relationship because he still does what he does. He still tells his lies and tries to take the easy way out of things. He still only comes around when it's convenient for him. I feel like if I talk to him again, I'm only wasting my breath. Because of this, I'm feeling like I'm ready to give up on the relationship. It comes to a point where it's not a real relationship because both parts aren't giving equally. I feel like I've been patient with him and put my needs aside to salvage what I could. The attitude I've had toward him has been more like, "Okay this is the time I get to spend with him. It's not fair but I'm going to make the most of it" but now I feel like I'm being pushed to the limit. 23 years ago he had a decision to make. His options were: 1-Leave the wife and raise a child with a new family. 2-Stand up to my wife and let her know I'm raising this child whether she likes it or not. 3-Continue to live a double life with my family and contribute financially to the welfare of this child to satiate my concience.

He chose 3. He chose to be with his family and keep me completely alienated from his real life. I honest to goodness have wondered what was so much better about them....why he picked them over me. Was I not good enough? Did he love them more? I still feel this way sometimes. It puts a hole in my heart constantly as I think about him going on family vacations with them, playing with their kids, laughing with them and overall just having relationships that I have absoloutley no part of. I feel like he's ashamed of me and at times I wonder what I could have done differently to make him want me in his life more.

Now that I'm older I'm realizing that it wasn't me. It's him. He made a mistake and wasn't man enough to own up to it. Whether it was right or wrong, he made his decision. Now that I'm an adult it's time for me to make mine. I've done all I could to be patient, kind and loving toward him. At times I feel like I am a burden to him, as if he doesn't really want to be a part of my life, but the guilt eats away at him so he does just enough to keep his concience at bay.

I'm not giving UP. I'm giving IN. The doors aren't closing. I'm just not going to be there to open them at his beck and call. It's time for me to move on and make my life happen. I've had puzzle pieces scattered around me my whole life. Some of them will never be where they should, but it's up to me to put together what's in my own hands.

Now I realize that it's not me who wasn't good enough. It's them who weren't strong enough to make it on their own. Heavenly Father knew that my mom and I were strong enough to make it on our own all these years and that's why we've had to have all these trials. I know that God sees everything and that He is a God of justice and mercy. We will all be judged by the Lord someday and will hold us accountable for the things we've done in our earthly life. I feel like my ancestors who have passed away already know who I am. I've felt this in the times I've done family history research and found their names. The peace I felt in those moments testified to me that they know me, love me, and appreciate my efforts to take their names to the temple. I know that someday, the truth will be known and that the Lord will compensate us for all that we've lacked. I know that even if my "dad" hasn't been there for me the way a girl needs a father, that I have a Father in heaven who is all I'll ever need and more.

Good Morning Milo!!!

2008-07-31T00:31:00.000-07:00

So my friend's band recently released a new EP and it's amazing! You can listen to some of the songs on their myspace. Just go to music search and type "Good Morning Milo" You won't regret it, I promise! :)

School is starting Aug 25. I am so stoked! I'm taking Biology bc it's a prerequisite I need to get into all the science classes I need to apply to nursing school. And I'm taking photography because it's a hobby I've been wanting to pursue for so long! I'm taking an easy semester with only two classes because I haven't been in school for so long. I don't want to be overwhemled my first semester back. Not only that but I'm also going to adult school in the evenings after work so that I can earn my High School Diploma. High school was really difficult for me as I had a lot of trials that most kids never have to go through. I fell behind and I didnt want to be a "super senior" so I dropped out and took care of my grandpa until he died. I got my GED which is equivalent but I really want the personal satisfaction of having my diploma. Adult school starts on the 25th as well. As for now my friends, it's time for Joycie to lay her weary head to sleep. Thanks for reading another one of my blogs! :)

-Joycie

dance madness!!!

2008-07-24T04:40:00.000-07:00

Friday night was amazing! My friends are awesome and know how to have a wicked good time! Somehow I managed to dance with my boot on. I found a way to work that thing! YAY!

nonsense

2008-07-23T01:55:00.000-07:00

so i'm settled into my new room at my mom's place. I really like it here. I have a lot of the same freedom to go and do as I wish like I did when I was living on my own. I decided that with the money I'm saving with rent, I'm going to travel next year. I decided that already but I wasn't sure if I wanted to see south america or europe. The decisions has been made and I'm pretty sure I'll be going to Europe. There are a plethora of countries I'd like to see and I think I'll spout out a few....France, Spain, England, Ireland, Croatia, Slovenia, Italy, Switzerland, Germany, Czech Republic, Belgium, The Netherlands, and Latvia. That would all probably take me about a month maybe a little more.
I know I said I was taking a hiatus from dating...but then I realized I had a little crush on someone. I don't really have the energy left to do anything about the crush, as I doubt he feels the same way but it's just annoying in a way...it seems like once i get into that mode where i'm like "okay i'm focusing on school and putting dating on the back burner" POP out of nowhere comes someone. Oh well, I don't want to get my hopes up. I dont need another disappointment right now. I shouldn't be so pessemistic. In reality I should probably put my feelings out there even though I'd be risking quite a bit. But like I've said before there's no chance in gaining anything if you dont take a chance and risk something. Right?
Whatevs, I'm a chicken.

Welcome to the closing.

Joycie.

time for a little hiatus...

2008-07-17T15:52:00.000-07:00

from dating.

I've been dating so many guys lately and one in particular really took a lot out of me. I feel like a lot of guys are liars and don't know how to be real with a girl. I think it's hilarious when they say they don't want any games when it's usually the guys who are playing them the most...at least from my experience.
I've been thinking through things and I feel like I've expended a lot of energy in the last year with the guys I've dated. I dont really have anything left to give right now. It's time to fill my bucket. So as far as dating goes, I won't turn a guy down if he wants to take me to dinner or whatever, but I'm making it clear that I'm not in search of anything serious right now. Like a friend of mine said in her blog...you have all of eternity to be married so you may as well make the most of your single days, because those are numbered.

Bitter-sweetness

2008-07-17T12:07:00.000-07:00

So today is technically my last day living in downtown with Brenna as my roommate. It's been a lot of fun and luckily Bren and I are good enough friends to leave the apartment with our friendship still fully intact, if not stronger than before. It's a bitter sweet experience as we move all our stuff out. The location was great, the apartment was cute, and we worked really hard to paint and decorate the place to make it our own. But at the same time we're also happy to be leaving behind the drama that we had to put up with there and certain neighbors, and we definitley won't miss not being able to find parking when we get home past 10pm.
I feel like living at home, as cool as my mom is, I'm giving up part of my independence again. It makes me a little sad because I really like being independent, but I know that I chose the right thing to do. My mom has been having some health issues again so it's good I'm living with her. I'm the only family she has in the United States so I feel like we need to stick together. Living at home again will be beneficial to me too. Saving rent money means I can finally travel and see the world like I've always wanted to. I'm still thinking about taking a backpacking trip to europe next summer. Anyone looking for a travel companion? lol It also means I'll be able to keep working part time so that I can go to school in the mornings. My mom's place is also a lot closer to Grossmont College so I won't have to commute so far. I know I want to do a lot of things right now, but I can't do them all at once. Everything has a time and place and I think this is where I need to be right now.

I went to institute last night. Elder and Sister North are teaching a class on the Pearl of Great Price and let me just say...it's amazing! I think it's quickly becoming one of my favorite standard works! It imparts a wealth of information regarding where we came from....things that aren't recorded in the book of Genesis. I've been struggling through a spiritual slump but this class definitley helped me out. It's geting me excited about the scriptures. Before last night it had been months since i read from them.

Tuesday I went with my mom to her bible study with her pastor. I kinda just wanted to spend time with my mom, but I think my testimony of the gospel grew. A lot of the adventist beliefs line up with LDS beliefs but there were some things that didn't make sense. I asked certain questions that were answered in a round-about way. What really didn't make sense to me was when her pastor told me that when we die we are nothing. He said our bodies return to the ground and so i asked what happens to our spirits. He said we don't have a spirit/soul unless our bodies are resurrected and God gives us life again. Basically he said when we die we are nothing. The funny thing is, when he said these things, I didn't feel the spirit. That's how I knew these things weren't true. But when I study what we know to be true in the LDS church, the spirit is there. These experiences this week between my mom's pastor and the institute class really helped me find my testimony again. Now I'm starting to remember why I joined the church in the first place. I missed this feeling and I'm glad to have it back.

Moon walker!!!

2008-07-12T01:57:00.001-07:00

So I've got my moon boot! :) That's what I call the walking boot I got from the orthopedic surgeon at UCSD Urgent Care today! As some of you may know, I've gone many routes trying to find the medical attention necessary to ensure that my 5th metatarsal avulsion fracture heals properly. I went through CMS and that lady was a _ _ _ _ _ (you fill in the blanks) who apparently misinformed me completely! Then I went thru medical but because I'm not pregnant or disabled I didn't qualify. I asked the medi-cal eligibility worker if I needed to go get knocked up and screw my life up at this point to get the medical services i needed. She laughed and said "yeah its screwed up isn't it?".

Today my mom encouraged me to go to UCSD (it's a teaching hospital) and the services were great. At Sharop Grossmont I didnt even get seen by a doctor. I was only seen by the nurse. At UCSD the doctor and the OS both came and saw me and gave me the number to their orthopedic clinic for a follow up in 2 weeks. Not only that but the on-site CMS worker confirmed that the other lady clearly misinformed me and that I should probably report her.

Oh I also loved how the receptionist asked, "Is this injury a result of can accident?" to which I replied "Well I accidently fell. It's not like i did it on purpose." haha...seriously people. c'mon!

The good news was it WASNT a Jones fracture. It's an avulsion fracture so that means it'll only take about 6 weeks to heal. I'm supposed to keep using my crutches even though I have the walking boot. They said I could bear as much weight as I could comfortably bear. So far it's not a whole lot but it'll get better in time. I feel soooo much better! Oh and here's the pic of one of my crutches! Kim and i went through a bunch of her scrap material and found some cute material to make cushions for the crutches. They're so uncomfortable but the cushions definitley help!

Sunday bloginocity...

2008-07-07T01:24:00.001-07:00

Today was an amazing day at church! Bishop Petersen bore his testimony and he quoted a General Authority...I don't remember which one. But he posed the question: "Are you active in the church? Or are you active in the gospel?" I think it really got a lot of people thinking. So many of us go through the motions but it's like we're on autopilot. We do things like robots without our hearts and minds truly being engaged in the gospel.

I think one thing I need to learn to go is to let people serve me. Being on these stinkin' crutches really sucks. It was fun maybe the first day. But now it's a pain in the butt because it makes a lot of menial tasks a little more challenging. Like for example, just carrying my plate of food from the serving area to the table. I get really stubborn and I want to do everything on my own because I don't want to become a burden to others, however, when people offer to help I should probably let them. If you don't allow a willing person to serve you, you're denying them the blessings of serving others. I guess I'll just have to swallow my pride and suck it up.

Pictures from Sea World I promised...

2008-07-05T20:41:00.000-07:00

mi amiga Chrissy...

2008-07-05T19:55:00.000-07:00

She moved away on Thursday :( We had one last oo-rah for her on Tuesday at Chilis (cause JR is awesome like that). This girl is flippin awesome and I'm going to miss her lots. She's one of those people who I didn't need to talk to and see constantly to know that she was my friend and that she'd be there for me if i needed her. Even though she moved I know we'll keep in touch. This is us in the car when I dropped her off after Chilis...

me and my bum foot!

2008-07-05T13:10:00.000-07:00

So I have my very first broken bone! HAHA.. you can still see the sand between my toes in the pic...

Here's the story...
I went to a bonfire last friday and I thought the water was warm and inviting. I went home and got my swim suit and went in for a nice dip in the ocean. On my way out I was running and my foot hit a hole. I thought I sprained my ankle since i've done that a couple times before on my left foot. I tried "walking it off". I stayed on crutches for a couple days. Tuesday i was able to bear weight on my foot with minimal pain so I ditched the crutches. Wednesday the swelling started to go down and the side of my foot looked a bit crooked. It didnt seem like a sprain to me anymore. I decided to go to the E.R. that night after work. Turns out my 5th metatarsal (the bone on the outside of the foot that starts at you pinky toe) is broken. It may possibly be a Jones fracture which may take up to 6 months to heal. I don't have insurance so I'm going to see the CMS social worker on the 9th. After taht I'll be able to see the doctor again and get the referal I need for the orthopedic specialist. Then we'll figure out what the prognosis really is. I'm praying it's not a Jones fracture...I really don't want to be on crutches for 4-6 months :( At first I was really depressed because this means that was my last ooh-rah for the summer but I'll just have to take up other hobbies and take pleasure in other things. Here are some things I might try...

-Exercise: I will go speed crutching! haha I can do sit ups/crunches and my arms will probably tone up really nice. Plus I'll have one sexy right leg!
-Read the Twilight books. My roomie says they're amazing!
-Photography. I'll figure out how to take awesome pics while balancing on one leg! haha
-blog. i'll be doing lots of that.

-try and talk the pedicure lady into giving me 1/2 price for a 1-foot pedicure! haha
anyone have anymore suggestions?

I've found that I really like using the electric chair at the grocery store! it's a lot of fun! i never want to shop on 2 feet again! Anyway I'm going to go write another blog!

Best day of my life so far!!!

2008-06-29T13:54:00.000-07:00

Some of you know my family dynamics, and for those of you who don't, here is a quick rundown...
My dad cheated on his wife with my mom and they had me. My dad and his wife stayed together and they have a son who's about 15 years older than I am. He is married and they have a child of their own. Her name is Ena. My bro (Jerry) and I have never been close. I've kept in contact with his wife Julia over the last year and about two months ago we talked about meeting up and going somewhere to get to know one another and so i can get to know my 2-year-old niece.

On Wednesday she called and said that she really wanted to meet up with me so we decided to look at our calendars and get back to each other about which days would be good. I called her back on thursday and she said that they were going to Sea World the following day and that they'd like me to come...SO I DID!!! This may not be a big deal for a lot of people but it is for me. All my life it's just been me and my mom and that's been enough for me. However there were times I felt that missing link with other members of my family. Jerry is my closest blood-related sibling. When I found out they had a baby I wanted nothing more than to meet her. After all, this is my dad's grandchild. Julia had sent me pictures of Ena before and she looked a lot like I did when I was a kid. She looks like her dad, and my brother and I both look a lot like our father.

We saw the dolphins, Shamu, sharks, the penguins, and Sea Otters. She seems fascinated by animals! Her speech is very clear for such a young child and she's very aware of her surroundings. i honestly fell in love that with kid when I laid eyes on her. To me she is the most beautiful kid I've seen and my heart just swelled with joy. I know it sounds cheesy! haha But when she'd ask me to hold her, or she would hug me, I just melted! I've always known I want kids someday but I didn't really feel passionately about it. After spending time with Ena playing, wrestling around, talking, and just seeing what it is to love a kid like that, I feel a lot more passionate about having children of my own when the time is right.

I can't wait to see her again. I might have some pictures up as soon as i get them developed. I left my SD card for my camera at home so I had to buy a disposable camera :(

Just because I'm fat doesn't mean...

2008-06-22T02:07:00.000-07:00

...that I can't have an eating disorder. Most people don't realize that the majority of bulimics AREN'T emaciated. As a matter of fact most of us "mias" (as we are called in the underground world of eating disorders) are either average, or overweight. People don't usually suspect that we're puking our guts out so it's easier to hide it. Most of the time when we purge our body cannot rid itself of ALL the calories we've consumed in our binge (which can be thousands upon thousands within an hour...sometimes even in just a few minutes). Some of those calories are absorbed before we purge, and some simply cannot escape our stomachs. So why do we torment ourselves if we often end up being chunky anyway?

I can't answer that question for every girl. Each case if unique and all I can do is simply provide you with my own theories and perspectives derived from my own personal experiences. I know that for me, bulimia has everything to do with a control fallacy. I started binging and purging when I was 12 years old. This was when I was going through a lot of difficult things that as a child I had no control over. I turned to food as my comfort. I quickly became overweight and out of desperation I searched for ways to control my food intake. I remembered the girls with eating disorders I saw on talk shows and one night I thought "well i could just try puking". Little did I know that this would be the beginning of a vicious cycle that would last 11 years. Binging for me became a means of compensation for the guilt and loss of control I felt after a binge. Over time the purge almost seemed to become symbolic of all the negative feelings I harbored within myself. I adapted my own rituals that made it feel almost therapeutic.

For the past 11 years I have tried to seek help and attempted many times to recover on my own. The problem I ran into a lot of the time is that no one took me seriously. I would tell adults such as my counselors at school or even my therapist about what i was going through....well actually it was my mom who would tell them. They usually shrugged it off and just gave me the whole spiel on why it's so bad for my body and to just stop. The engorged fat cells on my body kept them from seeing what an issue it was becoming.

I used to recover sometimes for months at a time and I'd gain back a lot of weight. You see, I recovered from the purging part and not the binging part for a time. So this translated to me still eating like a pig but actually digesting it all so I ballooned up to almost 270 pounds. That was at the end of high school.

So where am I now with this whole recovery thing?

Five years later I am working on recovery...still. I learned a lot though. I find that when you try to quit a habit or an addiction you have times when you might relapse. Instead of getting upset and throwing in the towel, it's should be embraced as time for growth and analyzation. I'm an analyitical person so I like to take each relapre and figure out what went wrong. Once you know what's gone wrong you can figure out a way to stop it from happening again. In essence, it's a time for learning about oneself. As a matter of fact, I am a firm believer that a part of recovery are the relapses themselves. I am currently in therapy to help me figure out ways to deal with stress and life in general so that I don't turn to food and then to purging. I've been doing pretty well lately. I dont want to post any numbers as that may be triggering to others who are in recovery but I will say that I've been able to lose some weight without purging as a means of weight control. (I actually still am overweight so losing weight is good. if i was already thin that wouldnt be so great). I've been learning to eat healthier food and control my portions. I exercise more than I used to (although still not enough haha).

I basically came to the realization that I wasn't going to grow out of this disorder. I had to take control of it and not let it control me anymore. Someday I'll have a family of my own and there will be enough trials to work through and this is one thing that shouldn't be on my plate when I'm raising children.

Bulimia can control your life in ways people don't even realize unless they've been through it themselves. For this reason I caution anyone who's even thinking about doing it to dismiss those thoughts and go exercise instead. This next part may be too descriptive for some people so if you don't think you can handle the details then I suggest you stop reading right here....

Bulimia controls your thoughts. When you're not binging or purging, you're thinking about what youre goign to eat next, where you'll get it, how much it'll cost, how you'll lie to cover it up, where you'll get rid of it and how you'll get rid of it. Heaven forbid your plan of action for disposal may face some interference...when that happens you'll most likely get a panic attack and start crying and hyperventilating as you realize you just ate three jumbo jacks, a large order of fries, 4 tacos, cheese sticks and a milkshake and that youre actually about to digest them if you don't do something quick.

For those of you who think bulimia is something glamorous...let me give you a reality check. There is nothing glamorous about having your head in a toilet with water/puke splashing up at you with every heave that explodes into your porcelain throne. Or how about the nights you might not be able to get to a toilet so you puke in your fast food cup and empty the contents into plastic bags and then throw them in the dumpster behind the grocery store and hope that no one catches you. Bulimia is disgusting. It's an ugly monster that preys on the minds of innocent victims who are at times too naive to know that this may possibly take over their lives, if not take them altogether. There are so many health risks related to eating disorders but I'm not going to sit here and talk about them all. Most of us already know of the havoc they can wreak on our bodies and if you don't you can just google it.

This is my experience with bulimia. I'm happy to say that I'm doing a lot better and I'm finding happiness in my life without it. For so long I was afraid to let "mia" go but now I see that without her I have time to LIVE again! I used to keep it a secret but now that I'm doing so much better I just hope that my own experiences can help someone out. If youve gotten this far you're awesome and youre a real trooper.

Thanks for reading another one of my blogs...

-Joycie

"times change and mind rearrange"

2008-06-15T23:53:00.000-07:00

That's actually a lyric from a Mest song I liked a lot in high school. And it's the truth. Just a RUT (Random Useless Thought).

So I've made a few new goals for myself to add to the ones I mentioned in my first blog.

-Become scuba certified by the end of summer.

-Dive in the Great Barrier Reef (whenever it happens ha)

-Go shark diving (in a cage of course)

-Go to Costa Rica next summer and work with the endangered leatherback turtles.

-Get underwater housing for my camera and do underwater photography.

-Take a cake decorating class over the summer.

These are things I've thought about for a while but wasn't sure I wanted to do. But the way I see it, 70% of the world is water...why not explore what's under it? I'm sure its probably more fascinating than land exploration. And the Costa Rica/Turtle thing...Well I've always wanted to go to south america...and turtles are my favorite animal! Leatherback turtles are actually the largest of sea turtle species weighing in at a whopping 1800-2000 pounds! I have so many things I want to do. I just need to take it one at a time. Eventually I'll do them all.

As far as cake decorating goes...I love baking! Especially cakes! I think decorating them is fun. I'm a total novice but I'm sure with some classes offered at Michaels I can learn the basics and then expand on that. Plus it would be cool to do cakes for friends weddings. When you're mormon everyone gets married all the time. So it's a little extra spending money. :)

joy and a time for change...

2008-06-08T17:07:00.000-07:00

I went to church today for the first time in about a month and a half and can i just say WOW! I didnt realize how good the gospel felt until I started to miss it. The funniest thing happened last week. I got a call from the bishop and I thought I was being released from my calling as Relief Society Secretary because I hadn't been attending church and we were getting a new presidency since Isabel got married this weekend. Come to find out, they actually wanted me to stay and come back to church...and not release me. I gladly reaccepted the calling and I'm so stoked to be serving in the relief society alongside three really awesome girls! We had a meeting this morning to throw out ideas and let me just say I am STOKED for the things to come our way! We really would like to work with the Elder's Quorum and help make our Relief Society and Ward a more unified place to be where everyone feels like they belong. This calling is just what I've been needing. Even though I didn't realize it until today, Heavenly Father never stopped looking out for me even when I was making unwise decisions and I felt my testimony begin to crumble. I will be truthful, lately I've had a lot of doubts and at times I didn't want anything to do with the church but deep in my heart I know without the gospel I'm not as happy as I could be. The world has a lot to offer us to make us happy but it's only temporary. Only LASTING happiness comes from the joy that only the gospel can offer us. Joy and happiness are in a way completely different from one another. Happiness to me can be a fleeting moment of an elevated mood...when something good happens you feel happy but that feeling often wears off rather quickly. Joy is more of a feeling of satisfaction that lasts no matter what life throws at you. When you know who you are, where you came from, and where you are going *in a spiritual sense* and you truly believe in it, joy is something much easier to come by.

Now is the time for you, me, and everyone to make changes in their lives. It's your shot to call WHEN you'll make the changes but as for me, this is my time for change. I really long to have the testimony I had three years ago. It was a simple testimony but it was so strong and no one could tell me anything different. I almost feel like I'm starting over but that's okay...as long as I'm starting. Everything has a starting point...right?

Something else I've been thinking about the last couple of days is the human tendency to worry. I speak for myself when I say these things but I'm sure a lot of us can relate to this more than we would like to admit. I spent so much time in my life worrying about everything...worrying about things that are happening, may happen, may NOT happen, or did happen. My mom always tells me that if something has a solution, not to worry about it. And if it doesn't have a solution, then dont worry about that either because it's beyond your control and then you just have to accept whatever it is. My own epiphany this week was that I shouldn't worry about the future. A lot of the time I find myself stressing about things that might never even happen and usually dont. Just enjoy life for the moment you're living it in. Make the most of it because once the moment passes you can't go back and live it again. So cheesy. So cliche. So true.

These are my random musings for now. I hope if anyone reads this, they gained something from it.

Friendships

2008-06-04T00:23:00.000-07:00

I got in touch with an old friend tonight and we have had an interesting conversation. I've come to the realization that there are some friends you'll have in life that you dont have to talk to or see all the time to know they're your friend. You know they're always there for you and when you do see them you just pick up where you left off. That's an amazing feeling. Those of you in my life who are those friends to me know who you are. Thanks for being so awesome!

Excited!!!

2008-06-03T02:31:00.000-07:00

I'm stoked to be starting this blog! I was going to just continue using my Xanga (i'll post a link later) and it's been years since I've posted anything in that one. However, I was reading through it today and realized how much CRAP I wrote in that blog and you could clearly see the immaturity at that age. I figured I'd just start fresh and post something right here, right now.

it's 2:30am right now. I've had a lot on my mind today so I've found it difficult to stop my mind from spinning. The thing that has weighed on my mind the most has been school, and the many things I want to accomplish. Here is a list of the things I would like to accomplish.

-Become a R.N.
-Play Piano
-Play guitar
-Learn to decorate cakes. (I LOVE baking!)
-Take a photography class and spend more time with that hobby.
-Travel! I want to see the world! More specifically I'd like to see all of Europe!
-Brush up on my German skills
-Take Spanish classes so I can learn the language properly.
-Learn to speak Portuguese, Italian and French. I really love language!
-Write at least one song on my own...the music and lyrics both!

I'm sure I could keep going but these are the things that are on my mind tonight! I have a lot of ambitions at this point. Sometimes when there are a lot of things you want to do, accomplishing them all can be such a daunting task that we procrastinate and don't do anything at all. You have to prioritize and start with one thing and work your way down the list. It takes time but once you accomplish those things you'll be empowered to do so much more! I would say becoming a nurse definitley takes precedence above all the other things on the list. I think it would be wise to get my career moving.

I've been a little torn lately as I've been unsure of which career path to take. I've kind of fallen into social work with my current job and I absoloutley love it. I can see myself doing it as a career and I know it would be easy for me. However, the occupational outlook is much bleaker than it is for nurses. The salary isn't as good either. When I was in high school and even up until a couple of years ago I truly had a desire to be a nurse. I ended up shying away from that goal because I was afraid I would fail. So I chose social work as a major because I knew it would be easy for me. It was safe. But there isn't any growth in comfort. Lately I've come to learn that sometimes we need to take a chance and not be afraid of failiure. I talked to my mom about it today and she said something along the lines of
"You haven't failed until you've failed to try."
It's so true! I hadn't thought of it like that. I really want to do this. I don't want to give up on my goals and aspirations anymore. Life is too short to sit around and be afraid of living it. Just get out there, give it your best and be happy with the outcome no matter what it is! That's all for now. I'm excited to be blogging again!

-Joycie

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